ABC Town Hall Shocker: Stephanopoulos Surprised To Learn Biden Has Children

NEW YORK – Democrat Joe Biden held a town hall event Thursday night. The show aired on ABC, with George Stephanopoulos running interference for the former vice president. Joe wore his mask and a softball uniform due to the lack of tough questions he would face. Although Biden’s son, Hunter, is implicated with his dad in a Ukrainian corruption scandal, the presidential candidate was never asked about the growing scandal. The story has gone viral after mainstream media outlets tried to hide it from the American people. Stephanopoulos: Tell us…

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Kamala Harris Hosts DNC Hollywood Squares, ‘Deranged Democrat’ Edition

DELAWARE – To liven up a boring Democratic National Convention, VP-nominee Kamala Harris hosted a version of the iconic Hollywood Squares game show last night. It’s been dubbed the ‘Deranged Democrat‘ edition of the show. As host, Harris asked deranged Democrats various questions about what makes America such a terrible place. Contestants pressed a button that illuminated their square with a colored circle, the color depending on the order they buzzed in. The enthusiasm was so weak for the show that some of the contestants were duplicated to fill out…

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Birther Theories Solved: CNN Confirms Kamala Harris Was Birthed

NEW YORK – The controversy over whether Kamala Harris is eligible to be Joe Biden’s running mate appears to be solved. Due to her mixed heritage, birther theories have exploded on social media. Now, CNN has weighed in on the controversy and, like Kamala, is trying to but the matter to bed. The network’s Don Lemon confirmed Friday night that the crack research team at CNN has determined that Kamala Harris was indeed birthed. “There should be no doubt now that these baseless birther theories are pure conjecture,” Lemon told…

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Joe Biden Said To Be Elated After Kamala Harris Picks Him To Be Her VP

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DELAWARE – From deep within his own basement, Democrat Joe Biden is beaming with joy. The former vice-president is said to be elated after receiving news yesterday that he’d been chosen to be Kamala Harris’ VP. “This is great!” a grinning from ear-to-ear Biden said. “My wife Jill tried to tell me that I was the one who had chosen Kamala to be my running mate, but she was just messin’ with me. Can you imagine the thought of me at the top of the ticket?!” (Laughing wildly) “I can’t…

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Corn Pop And The Sugar Cereal Gang No Match For Badass Biden

DELAWARE – Joe Biden has lived quite a life in his own head. And he’s willing to share it with anyone who’s willing to listen. Finally, video has emerged that introduces America to the exploits of Badass Biden the Lifeguard and his nemesis Corn Pop and the Sugar Cereal Gang. As he tells it, Biden went all Baywatch in the early 1960’s at a community pool where he was a lifeguard. A player named Corn Pop wouldn’t obey when Joe ordered him to step off (the diving board). Words were…

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Biden Blames Trump, Bourne Supremacy For Recent Mass Shootings

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IOWA – Speaking to campaign crowds, former VP Joe Biden accused President Trump of being responsible for stoking Bourne supremacy with his rhetoric and inspiring two recent mass shootings in America. Many thought Biden meant “white supremacy” in his remarks, but this is Joe Biden we’re talking about. A reporter at the event questioned Obama’s vice president with this exchange: Reporter: Mr. Vice President, when you say ‘Bourne Supremacy’ do you mean to say ‘white supremacy?’ Biden: What did Jason Bourne do to everyone he didn’t like? Reporter: He killed…

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Biden Vows To Make Word ‘Malarkey’ Popular Among Youth Again

DETROIT – In the second Democratic debate this week, 2020 hopeful Joe Biden vowed that one of his first duties as president would be to make the word ‘malarkey’ cool again with the nation’s young people. That’d be just swell. “The word has dropped out of favor, and that’s a shame,” Biden told CNN’s Don Lemon. “I think once kids see how hip I am, they’ll want to start copying me and my coolness. In case you can’t tell, kiddo, I’m really with it.” Biden told Lemon he envisions the…

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Ocasio-Cortez Considering Changing Last Name To Pelosi

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WASHINGTON – Alexandria Pelosi? Maybe. But is this town big enough for two Pelosi’s? Incoming Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi has long cemented her spot as the biggest idiot in Congress. Now, a new challenger has appeared. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, the ditzy darling of the Socialist-Democrat party, is desperately trying to out Pelosi Pelosi. “I say, like, 10 more moronic things a day than Nancy does. I’m even thinking of changing my last name to Pelosi.” “It’s kind of a way to honor her stupidity, but also a way to…

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DHS Dubs Terrorist ‘Dumbass Bomber,’ Based On Those Targeted

WASHINGTON – The Department of Homeland Security issued a statement this morning regarding the serial mail bomber currently terrorizing Democrats. The statement reads “that the domestic terrorist has been dubbed the ‘Dumbass Bomber.’” The label is applicable because of those who have been targeted so far. Part of the statement reads as follows: For the time being, the Dept. of Homeland Security will officially be referring to the serial bomber as the ‘Dumbass Bomber.’ Based on forensic analyses of the recipients of the devices found to this point, it appears…

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