Biden Promises To Rescue Any Americans Stuck In Ukraine With Seal Team Brandon

Seal Team Brandon

WASHINGTON – Joe Biden’s Afghanistan exit last year set the gold standard for evacuation efforts from a war-torn country. He’ll tell you that himself. So, as war seems inevitable between Russia and Ukraine, the time for Americans to get out of Ukraine is now. Acting President Jen Psaki, the one who ultimately tells us what Joe meant to say, explained today. “We are telling all Americans in Ukraine, and their families, to leave Ukraine now. We have no idea how to handle this Russian aggression. But, there is hope. Joe…

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Angry Prez Lifts Nervous Nation With Platitudes, Delusions and Gibberish

prez

WASHINGTON – Raising Americans’ spirits during difficult times isn’t easy. Between the virus, inflation, open borders and sky-high crime rates, it’s been a rough year. Sensing the nation needed a pick-me-up, President Joe Biden held a press conference today. The presser went as smooth as a Biden presser can go. The Prez blew smoke up the nation’s a$$ like only he can. Blending empty platitudes, delusions, and beltway gibberish, Joe wove tall tales about how great his first year as president has gone. “No nation wants common sense solutions,” Biden…

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Biden Visits Dairy Queen To Demand Chain Do Away With FiliBuster

FiliBuster

VIRGINIA – They’re American classics at Dairy Queen – the Hungr-Buster, BeltBuster, and TripleBuster burgers. Joe Biden loves burgers and ice cream, but he’s objecting to one thing he says the chain needs to do away with for the betterment of the country. “I’m here today to plead with my friends at Dairy Queen. I need your help,” the president told patrons. “Look, I’ll confess…I’ve had my share of Hungr-Busters and BeltBusters over the years. They’re quality products. But if we’re to save our democracy, Dairy Queen must get rid…

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‘Twas The Night Before VaXmas – A Biden Christmas Poem

VaXmas

‘Twas the Night Before VaXmas ‘Twas the night before VaXmas, when in the White House Not a Biden was stirring, except Jill’s inept spouse; Face masks were hung by the chimney with care, As the president readied his next variant scare; The Commies were nestled all snug in their beds, While visions of lockdowns danced in their heads; And Jill in her nightie, and I, tired as crap, Had just settled down for my 4th or 5th nap, When then on the news there arose so much chatter, Joe Manchin,…

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Tornado Biden: Worst Destruction I’ve Seen Since Helen Hunt and Bill Paxton Played Twister

twister

KENTUCKY – After being convinced by staff that he hadn’t been transported to Oz, President Biden toured tornado-ravaged Kentucky today. The destruction is devastating. And reporters noted that Joe seemed overwhelmed by what he saw. “Folks, what I’ve seen today is hard to put into words. I’ve been to many disaster sites over my last century in politics. But this one is especially bad. I’ve been trying to think of how to convey just how bad the destruction here is. Do you all remember a climate documentary from the ’90’s…

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Biden Blames Grandson For Cough, Inflation, Low Poll Numbers, Omicron

grandson

WASHINGTON – Hoarse, and coughing his way through a press conference, Joe Biden worried members of the press. When asked, he told reporters his baby grandson was to blame for giving him a cold. Biden said his grandson had been “kissing my, anyway…you know, the thing.” TMI. But Joe wasn’t through. He went on to blame his grandson for the poor November jobs report, skyrocketing inflation, and other issues that are dragging down his presidency. “I love the little bastard, but he’s not only made me sick, he’s singlehandedly wrecking…

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Americans Liken Kamala Harris 1-Hour Presidency To Getting A Colonoscopy

colonoscopy

ALL 57 STATES – President Joe Biden had a colonoscopy today. That meant that for about an hour, while he was under general anesthesia, America’s worst nightmare came true. VP Kamala Harris briefly became president during his procedure. As he went under, doctors instructed Biden to say “Let’s Go, Brandon” backwards three times. Harris became the first Indian-Jamaican, unlikeable female to ever hold the American presidency during a colonoscopy. It’s a monumental achievement for those who worship at the altar of identity politics. Democrats should be very proud. Ironically though,…

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2024 Favoritism? WH Tells Kamala That Buttigieg Gayness Trumps Her Vagina

favoritism

WASHINGTON – Inside the beltway, Democrat Pete Buttigieg is getting a lot of buzz as a presidential front-runner in 2024. However, VP Kamala Harris is upset, thinking she would assume the crown by that time. She’s crying favoritism. Fortunately, the White House has provided some clarity on the issue. According to Biden aides, Buttigieg’s gayness may trump the VP’s possession of a vagina. “Look, the vice president checks a number of boxes for Democrats,” one aide said. “She’s mixed-race, female, and unlikeable. And it would be foolish to ignore the…

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As Biden Fails, Numbers In LGBFJB+ Community Swells To Record Levels

LGBFJB+

AMERICA – President Biden sucks, most of us can agree on that. His extreme suckage has even created a new social class. The LGBFJB+ (Let’s Go Brandon F*ck Joe Biden+) community is growing exponentially. Sports fans across the country sing his praises during games. LGBFJB+ has begun appearing on t-shirts, signs, etc. everywhere. People want to feel they’re part of something. So, as the president continues to overreach and intrude more into our lives, those who realize how bad he sucks needed a unified voice. The + at the end…

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WH: Supply Chain Crisis Due To Americans’ Stockpiling Ahead Of Our Next Big Blunder

stockpiling

WASHINGTON – The Biden White House is never to blame for anything. Take the ongoing supply chain crisis that is tying up cargo shipments. Stores continue to deal with empty shelves for some items. And orders for big ticket items like furniture and appliances are taking months to fulfill. At today’s press briefing to update the nation on how nothing is their fault, Jen Psaki set the record straight. A New York Times reporter asked Psaki about shipping delays for large appliances and treadmills. Why hasn’t Biden solved the problem?…

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