WH On Buttigieg Paternity Leave: Pete’s Recovering From Episiotomy After Difficult Adoption

paternity

WASHINGTON – The White House acknowledged today that Transportation Secretary Pete Buttigieg has been on paternity leave for two months. Meanwhile, America’s logistics system is a mess, and getting worse. Biden mouthpiece Jen Psaki updated reporters today on the situation. “As many of you know, Secretary Buttigieg and his husband recently welcomed two children into their family. However, it was a difficult adoption, and that’s why Pete has been on paternity leave the past 2 months. Unfortunately, because he’s kind of a wuss, doctors had to perform an episiotomy on…

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Reporters Shout ‘President Brandon? President Brandon?!’ As He Turns Back On Questions

President Brandon

WASHINGTON – No matter the topic, the American president doesn’t care about your questions. After every speech, he tucks his tail, turns his back on reporters, and leaves the room. The prez has failed at everything he touches, except at being a coward. There, he excels. Since stupid reporters believe chants at sporting events of “F*** Joe Biden!” are really chants of “Let’s Go, Brandon!” they’ll keep the lie going. So, after his most recent speech following a devastating jobs report, reporters continued the lie. As Biden said ‘thank you’…

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Biden Proposes Raiding The Human Fund, Using Carbon Credits To Pay For Trillions In Spending

human fund

WASHINGTON – President Joe Biden, also known as ‘Go Brandon,’ is one sharp cookie. He thinks he may have found a way to get approval for his insane spending agenda – without raising taxes on citizens. He floated his idea at an event this week in Michigan. “Folks, let me tell ya. I think I’ve got this funding thing all figured out. They told me not to talk about this, but I’m so excited about it that I just have to tell you. Now, people on the other side of…

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Biden Wonders Why People So Upset About A Haitian Rodeo

Haitian rodeo

WASHINGTON – President Joke Biden seemed confused today after photos of a US Border Patrol agent wrangling a Haitian border crosser went viral. The officer is on horseback, and appears to be trying to corral a wild Haitian. “I don’t see what all the hubbub is about,” said Biden. “Looks like a good ole-fashioned Haitian rodeo to me. What’s wrong with that?” His spokesgirl Jen Psaki addressed his position to reporters. “While I, Vice President Harris, and many on the Left, are faking outrage over these images of made-up cruelty,…

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White House: Drone Attack Was Mercy Killing To Save 10 From Being Killed Later By Taliban

drone attack

WASHINGTON – Following the deaths of 13 US military members in Afghanistan, President Joke Biden needed a distraction. He needed to drone attack somebody over there – anybody. Then claim it was some really bad guys. After getting caught lying about who they killed in the drone attack, the spin was on. General Mark Milley, a self-described Paul Revere, said the attack was supposed to take out those who planned the Kabul Airport attack. Instead, Biden’s drone strike killed an aid worker and 9 others, including 7 children. “While unfortunate,…

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Blinken Says About 100 ‘As-Of-Now-Unbeheaded’ Americans Still In Afghanistan

Blinken

WASHINGTON – Antony Blinken, one of the architects of President Joke Biden’s Afghanistan debacle, testified to Congress today. The Secretary of State (SoS) hid behind a Zoom screen for the hearing, instead of appearing in person (because Covid). Under questioning from House members, Blinken spun, dodged, ignored, and deflected any criticism he faced during the appearance. When asked how many Americans are still being held hostage in Afghanistan, Blinken seemed unsure. “We believe there are roughly 100 ‘as-of-now-unbeheaded’ Americans still in the country. But what do I know? We’ve been…

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Biden Considering Using Taliban To Enforce His Tyrannical Vaccine Mandates

tyrannical

WASHINGTON – President Joke Biden needled the unvaccinated in America today. Unveiling his new, tyrannical vaccine mandate program, Biden has decided to rule with an iron fist. “We’ve been patient, but our patience is wearing thin. And your refusal is pissing me off,” he told the un-vaxxed. Biden claimed to follow the science and explained new ways the Delta variant behaves. “We’ve learned that the covid-19 delta strain cannot affect you if you work for a company that has less than 100 employees. That’s why, today, I’m ordering all companies…

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Can Biden Maintain Such A High Level Of Incompetence For Rest Of Term?

incompetence

WASHINGTON – In a little over six months, Joke Biden has set the new standard for incompetence. Past US presidents have shown incompetence in certain areas, but Biden excels in failing in every area. That takes a special gift. But can he keep it up? Biden has wondered the same thing himself recently. “Look, folks, I can’t promise I’ll always be able to be this incompetent. Yes, I really screwed the pooch in Afghanistan. And the border. And the economy. And on COVID-19. This is world-class incompetence. Frankly, I’m exhausted.…

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Louisianans Grateful Biden Not Calling Shots For Hurricane Ida Evacuations

Hurricane Ida

BATON ROUGE – Millions of residents across the state will thankfully survive the incoming wrath of Hurricane Ida. And after his Afghanistan disaster, most of those Louisianans are thanking God that Joke Biden isn’t overseeing evacuation plans. The president commented on the storm preparations today. “Nobody asked me for help, which is strange,” Biden told reporters. “I would encourage the fine people of Louisiana to shelter in place until the hurricane passes, and THEN I would urge them to get to safety. Some will tell you that’s backwards, but that…

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Jen Psaki Issues Preferred Descriptors For Those Stranded In Afghanistan

stranded

WASHINGTON – Biden spokesgal Jen Psaki takes issue with the term “stranded” when it comes to Americans stranded in Afghanistan. Because being stranded is not nearly as scary if you don’t define yourself as stranded. Personally, Psaki’s preferred descriptor is “hopelessly delayed.” When those at the Kabul Airport heard this news, they were relieved. Many were said to be less fearful of a torturous death at the hands of the “Tollybon” after hearing Psaki’s new definitions. Jen got her panties twisted when FNC’s Peter Doocy called stranded Americans ‘stranded.’ “These…

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