At Last Minute, Biden Nixes ‘Get The Shot Or Get Shot’ Vaccine Program

get the shot

WASHINGTON – Americans may have just dodged a bullet. President Biden decided against a vaccine program his people wanted, and he made the decision just before delivering a pleading speech to the masses. According to spokesgal Jen Psaki, “The president decided not to move forward with a ‘Get the Shot or Get Shot’ vaccine program that many of us wanted. A majority in the White House believe the unvaccinated deserve a choice. Get the shot….or eat lead. That’s pretty straightforward. We think most would choose Pfizer over Smith & Wesson.…

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Psaki: Door-To-Door Vaccine Gestapo May Also Check Your Facebook Page For Disinformation

disinformation

WASHINGTON – Biden spokesgal Jen Psaki clarified remarks she made the other day regarding social media platforms doing the administration’s bidding. Psaki previously said the White House was telling Facebook to ban whatever content they deem to be disinformation or “problematic.” Today, Jen elaborated on their plan. “We don’t expect Facebook to be able to catch every post we deem offensive or inaccurate. So what we are considering, is having our door-to-door vaccine gestapo also check your Facebook page while they’re there. It won’t be intrusive or anything. When our…

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Biden Considering Adding Vaccine To Girl Scout Cookies In Door-To-Door Push

door-to-door

WASHINGTON – Joe Biden wants to start a door-to-door campaign to get more Americans vaccinated. As part of his administration’s brilliant scheme, the Girl Scouts of America are being consulted as vaccine pushers. Slipping the vaccine into cookies may be an easy way to dupe those resistant to getting jabbed. Spokesgal Jen Psaki explained the idea to members of the press. “Who doesn’t love Girl Scout cookies?” she asked with a smile. “So if we can slip a small amount of the vaccine into cookies that are sold to the…

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Kamala Harris Says Words Near Border, Vague Platitudes End Immigration Crisis

words

EL PASO – Immigration guru Kamala Harris stepped foot in the vicinity of the border here and feels her work on this issue is done now. It only took her a few hours on the ground to effectively end the current immigration nightmare. Harris delivered a series of vague platitudes, tired clichés, and untruths to reporters covering her border photo-op. “We’ve made extreme progress, extreme progress,” she told adoring reporters. “I’m here to use my words to talk about the root causes of this immigration issue. I don’t know what…

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VP Harris Visits Guatemala/San Salvador Border To Quell Criticism She’s Ignoring Border Crisis

GUATEMALA – Kamala Harris is sick of peasants who say she’s been avoiding going to the border. She’s currently on a talking tour in Central America to show that she’s pretending to care about America’s border crisis. The VP was visibly pissed when NBC’s Lester Holt questioned why she hasn’t visited the border to see for herself how bad things really are there. So she decided to call Lester’s bluff. This afternoon, in a surprise move, Harris showed up at the border between Guatemala and San Salvador. “See? I’ve gone…

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Joe Biden Signs Exec Order Barring Ghosts From Owning Guns

WASHINGTON – President Joe Biden today signed an executive order effectively banning any ghost from owning a gun. During his speech, he said there is an epidemic of gun violence, and laid the blame at the feet of the paranormal. “We can all agree that ghosts are scary,” the president announced. “And we can all agree that guns are scary. But the only thing scarier is a ghost with a gun. So today, I am signing an EO that will target the sales of ghost guns. My action will make…

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Biden Admin Insists Kids At Border Being Kept In ‘Tiny Cells’ Not ‘Cages’

cages

LAREDO – Administration officials took issue today with Republican lawmakers over the way they are handling the Biden border crisis. They insist that unaccompanied children are not being held in cages. “We are currently housing these undocumented children in ‘tiny cells,’ not ‘cages,’” Biden spokeshuman Jen Psaki told reporters. “The term cages is disingenuous, and should only be used to falsely accuse a Republican president with being barbaric and uncaring. We prefer the term tiny cells.” “Look, people love those tiny homes. You know, the ones they show on HGTV?…

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Biden: Texans Can Achieve Unity By Huddling Together For Warmth

WASHINGTON – President Joe Biden always says he’s going to bring America together. The so-called Great Healing. He has no ideas on how to make that a reality, but that never matters. But as millions of Texans shiver through another frigid day without power and water, Biden sees an angle. He says that Texans being forced to huddle together just to keep warm is promoting unity. “When you’re freezing your balls off, you don’t care if the people next to you, keeping you warm, are Republicans or Democrats,” Joe told…

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After Excessive ‘Circling Back,’ Jen Psaki Diagnosed With Severe Vertigo

circling back

WASHINGTON – Biden spokesperson Jen Psaki has been diagnosed with severe vertigo after ‘circling back’ too many times. The lopsided redhead has started medication to help with the condition. “Jen has ‘circled back’ so many times, it was inevitable that she would develop vertigo,” a White House doctor told reporters. “She presented saying she felt like her head was spinning. I told her she had to cut way down on ‘circling back’ or this was bound to happen.” Psaki partly blamed her unbalanced hairstyle, which causes her head to tilt…

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Joe Biden Calls For Establishing Dept. Of Feigned Democratic Outrage

feigned

WASHINGTON – As he prepares to assume the presidency, Joe Biden is already planning changes to our government structure. One addition he wants to make – the creation of the Department of Feigned Democratic Outrage. “We need a central agency that controls narratives, releases talking points, and perpetuates double standards. One that ensures that Democrats ALWAYS jumps the shark when it comes to faking outrage at our opponents,” a weary looking Biden told reporters. “For instance, just this week, President Trump held a rally that was followed by minimal violence…

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