Portland Mommies Bring Snacks To Rioting Antifa Children

Portland

PORTLAND – Rioting ain’t easy. So dozens of moms who have children participating in the civil unrest in this city have come to the rescue. They’ve supplied their immature kids with juice boxes, pretzels, Lunchables, and popsicles as the rioting continues. “I wanted to make sure my son was happy as he helps destroy the city,” said the mother of Jacob Thompson, 24, of Eugene, Oregon. “If he doesn’t get his snacks, he’s even worse. I also wanted to let him know that I made his bed for him. He’s…

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Woke NFL: Players Should Raise Closed Fist When Scoring If They Want Points To Count

closed fist

NEW YORK – In a further effort to show they’ve cowed to the demands of the Black Lives Matter (BLM) movement, the NFL has suggested any player scoring a touchdown should raise a closed fist when crossing the goal line – IF they want the points to count for their team. A raised, closed fist is the accepted symbol of black power, the resistance, and wokeness. In addition to playing the Black national anthem before the first game, NFL officials want to remind fans that they can’t truly enjoy a…

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How the Socialist Grinch Almost Stole the 4th of July

socialist grinch

JUST OUTSIDE AMERICAVILLE – The Socialist Grinch was a bitter, ungrateful member of Grinch Lives Matter, who lived next to Mount Trumpit and overlooked the states of Americaville. Each 4th of July, he seethed inside as Americaville celebrated her freedom and independence. Citizens of Americaville celebrated with fireworks, parades, baseball, beer, cookouts, and friends. It was a happy occasion each year, but he couldn’t understand what was so great about Americaville that was worth celebrating. You see, the Socialist Grinch was a product of the university system, where he had…

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NASCAR Driver Bubba Wallace Insists Snow Cone Cups In Lounge Are KKK Hoods

Bubba

TALLADEGA – The controversy of the “noose” in the garage of NASCAR driver Bubba Wallace continues. Even as 15 FBI agents came to the conclusion that the alleged noose was simply a garage door pull, Wallace insists he is the target of a crime. Bubba appeared on Don Lemon’s show on CNN last night and, since nobody watched it, here is a summary of Wallace’s version of recent events. Lemon: This is unacceptable in our country. Do we know yet if President Trump personally placed the rope in your team’s…

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Trans Character ‘Aunt Jeremiah’ To Replace Aunt Jemima Likeness, Appease Rage Mob

PHILADELPHIA – The suits at Pepsico/Quaker Foods have cowered to the rage mob of the American Left. The company makes Aunt Jemima products, and has decided to bow to pressure from Black Lives Matter (BLM) and other extremists by replacing the iconic mascot. The likeness of a former slave has been used on the product line for over a century. “We’ve decided to go with ‘Aunt Jeremiah’ as our new mascot for the product line,” a company spokesman said. “Jeremiah is a character who has completed their transition from uncle…

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Police Offer To Use Marshmallows Instead Of Beanbags As Ammo, BLM Says No, Because They’re White

AUSTIN – The Austin Police Department has been discussing new methods of riot control with the City Council. The Council has made it clear that they want all uses of force by police to be outlawed in the near future. The city has already demanded that police cease using beanbags as ammo during riots or protests. Jokingly, the Chief of Police suggested his officers swap beanbags for marshmallows when shooting to subdue lawbreakers. Austin Mayor Steve Adler took the idea to council members and local leaders of the Black Lives…

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Nancy Pelosi Intros New ‘I’m Kneeling, And I Can’t Get Up!’ Life Alert System

kneeling

WASHINGTON – What do you get the aging, white, career politician in your life who needs to bend the knee to the rage mob? Do you need to take a knee to convey how woke you are? Are you begging for votes this November? Well, the Speaker of the House has just what you need. Introducing the “I’m kneeling…..and I can’t get up!” medical alert system. This week, Nancy Pelosi showed off her new product in the Pander Collection from Life Alert. The discreet device can be used to call…

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Officials Announce New ‘Social Justice Distancing’ Rules For Woke Protesters

social justice distancing

SEATTLE – We’re all familiar with ‘social distancing’ guidelines. Now, there are also ‘social justice distancing’ guidelines for the woke among us. City leaders here have outlined new rules for progressive protesters and looters, to keep them safe in the Covid-19 age. According to a press release on Friday, “If you’re around people in normal situations, the 6′ distance is still optimal between you and others. However, liberal scientists have told us that tests reveal the coronavirus doesn’t spread as easily when faced with social justice. If you’re a woke…

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