Kamala Harris Quits Race: Without Likable Personality, I Saw No Path Forward

likable

CALIFORNIA – 2020 Democratic presidential hopeful Kamala Harris has quit the race. She ended her run for the White House today, saying she lacked “anything remotely resembling likability to the average American.” Harris joins an elite group of unlikable Democratic drop-outs that includes the likes of Beto, Hillary Clinton and Howard Dean. Kamala is the latest to realize that you can’t learn to be likable. You either have it or you don’t. “Apparently, not enough voters appreciated my snobby, smarter-than-thou attitude,” Kamala concluded. “People are so stupid. I guess I’ll…

Read More

Beto Asks Supporters To Update Their Versions Of Him To 3.0

3.0

ARKANSAS – As he made the rounds at a local gun show, Democratic presidential candidate Beto O’Rourke began the third launch of himself to potential voters. He asked all of his supporters to please update their versions of him to the newest 3.0 version. “I’m hopeful that this version will be the one people want. The previous versions of me were glitchy, slow, and annoying. We’ve finished the Beto-testing on this latest version of me and I think people will find it more up to speed,” Beto explained while waving…

Read More

2020 Dems Appoint Debbie Downer As Official Campaign Mascot

MIAMI – Following the Democratic Freak Show, uh, debate, last week, the DNC has appointed Debbie Downer to be the official face of their 2020 campaign. In fact, the negativity spewed by the debate participants makes Downer sound like Tony Robbins. Yes, despite a historically low unemployment rate, a strong economy, millions of jobs created, foreign leaders taking President Trump seriously, and achieving energy independence, America really sucks. That’s the Democrats’ story and they’re sticking to it. Debbie Downer was honored by the chance to be the image of Democrats…

Read More

Democrats’ 2018 Slogan: ‘For the Sheeple,’ ‘For the Illegals’ Almost Win

slogan

WASHINGTON – “For the People” is the new campaign slogan chosen for Democrats during the 2018 midterm election season. But the slogan didn’t win by much. Several other suggestions were wanted by party higher-ups, who felt other taglines better portrayed the vibe of Democrats these days. “We really wanted either ‘For the Sheeple,’ or ‘For the Illegals,’ Party Chairman Tom Perez said. “Most of our supporters are sheeple, so that was a no-brainer. I thought that was a slam dunk. But my co-chair Keith Ellison, and leaders Schumer and Pelosi,…

Read More

Hillary’s Latest: “Pulled Hamstring Kept Me From Running Better Race”

NEW YORK CITY – Hillary Clinton limped to the stage a few days ago at the Plaza Hotel here, in an attempt to explain to her top donors why their hard-earned millions ended up being part of the worst political investment in history. The Clinton campaign managed to flush over $1 billion down the toilet, just to come in second. Granted, Mrs. Clinton faced strong headwinds in her quest for the presidency, only having had every available advantage known to man helping carry her to her throne. But, besides those…

Read More

ISIS Gives Obama Couple of Months Off to Campaign for Hillary

PHILADELPHIA – As Hillary Clinton stepped off a curb and caught pneumonia last week, President Obama stepped up behind the podium to campaign for her. Like the rest of us, Obama can’t stand Hillary – but he values his legacy more than life itself. He only has a few months left in office (thank God), and fortunately for him, leaders of ISIS have decided to let him have the next couple of months off from his job to campaign for Mrs. Clinton.   A masked ISIS general said, “We understand…

Read More

Clinton Campaign Says Hillary Has ‘Happy Pneumonia’

NEW YORK CITY – A day after collapsing while she was trying to board a van to leave a 9-11 ceremony, Hillary Clinton’s campaign is clarifying her diagnosis of pneumonia. If her people are to be believed, she has the best kind of pneumonia you can get. Hillary assistant Huma Weiner explained her boss’s condition this way: “Hillary does, in fact, have pneumonia. But she is an extraordinary woman, so she doesn’t have pneumonia like the commoners. She has what doctor’s call ‘Happy Pneumonia.’ Happy pneumonia is extremely rare, and…

Read More