Andrew Cuomo: Don’t Want To Live In World Where Random Groping Is Not Appreciated

NEW YORK – Governor Andrew Cuomo has had enough. Enough with having to try to live in a normal society. Enough with chicks not understanding how wonderful he is. And enough of women not appreciating his random groping. So, he’s quitting as governor. He told his subjects: “I love my state. I love the people of New York. And by love, I mean I want to have sex with them. But if this is now going to be a world where random groping is frowned upon…that’s a society I don’t…

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CNN’s Chris Cuomo Insists He Doesn’t Have Any Brothers

Cuomo brothers

NEW YORK – CNN anchor Chris “Fredo” Cuomo has become tangled in scandal. The cocky TV host has been tied to brother Andrew Cuomo’s sex scandal. However, in typical CNN spin fashion, Chris now claims that he’s never had any brothers. Talking to the only ‘brother’ he claims to be close to, anchor Don Lemon, Cuomo said, “Don, you know me. We go way back. I’ve always had your back, no matter how bizarre or racist your takes have always been, haven’t I?” “Yes you have, brother,” Lemon responded. “People…

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CNN Rebrand: ‘Same Sh*t, Different Day With Don Lemon’ Replaces ‘CNN Tonight With Don Lemon’

NEW YORK – CNN has decided to rebrand one of its shows. It’s a change that show host Don Lemon teased on social media last Friday. Lemon announced that his show, CNN Tonight with Don Lemon, was ending abruptly that night. Dozens of his fans were thrown into a panic, thinking the host was leaving the network. As it turns out, it was all a publicity stunt to gain attention for his newly titled show that starts Monday night. Same Sh*t, Different Day with Don Lemon debuts tonight, and the…

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Gov. Cuomo Asking Public For Ideas On New Excuses He Can Use

Andrew Cuomo

NEW YORK – New York Governor Andrew Cuomo doesn’t think he’s ever to blame for any of his bad governance. Typical leftist elite. But nursing home deaths, hiding damaging data, and multiple sexual harassment charges are piling up, making it harder for the guv to ignore. So far, Cuomo has blamed Trump, federal guidelines, lying women, and Trump again for his repeated failures. He’s starting to run out of excuses. Now, the governor is asking for the public’s help in coming up with new excuses he can use to save…

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Chris Cuomo, Don Lemon Slam Pro-Trump Protests For Doing It Wrong

pro-Trump

CAPITOL HILL – CNN anchor-bros Chris Cuomo and Don Lemon were disgusted at what they saw at the US Capitol this afternoon. A pro-Trump crowd stormed the House and Senate chambers to protest certifying November’s election results. Then things got ugly. However, the two Democratic hacks said the pro-Trump supporters were ‘doing it wrong.’ Cuomo said, “I don’t know what I’m looking at! This is not a protest. I’m not even sure how to describe to our viewers what I’m seeing right now.” “I know,” a disgusted Don Lemon replied.…

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Sporting Goods CEO Interview Gives CNN a Mouthful of Dick’s

Dick's

NEW YORK – The CEO of Dick’s Sporting Goods announced in an interview with CNN that his company is going limp on gun sales. Network anchor Chris Cuomo remarked after the interview, “He sure said a mouthful! I haven’t given Dick’s much thought lately, but I sure will now. He told me more about Dick’s than I ever cared to know.” Dick’s CEO Ed Stack said he thinks the store’s customer base will remain loyal despite the removal of all scary-looking guns from store shelves. “Our customers, we refer to…

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