Climate Teenager Greta Launches Barrage Of Disapproving Looks To Save Planet

Greta

NEW YORK – Swedish climate activist Greta Thunberg has figured out that by firing off disapproving looks at weak-minded politicians, she can shame them into doing what she wants. She is deathly afraid of climate change, and there’s no end to the pouting she’ll do until it’s fixed. Those on the Left have elevated the teenager to near-Saint status just because they can’t bear to see the disappointment on her face due to their inability to save us all from bursting into flames in a few years. The young Swede…

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Ailing Biden Looking For Van To Fall Into To Secure Dem Nomination

WASHINGTON – Frailty seems to be an attractive trait that Democrats look for in their presidential candidates. Just like Hillary Clinton in 2016, Joe Biden is falling apart before our eyes. Still, he continues to lead in the polls for 2020. Biden sported bloody eyes during CNN’s climate fairy tale town hall this week. The Babylon Bee even reported that Biden’s head fell off during his time onstage at the event. Now, that IS embarrassing. However, he continues to lead all candidates whose heads are still attached. One Biden aide…

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Root Canal Appts Skyrocket For Same Hours As CNN Climate Change Town Hall

CHICAGO – Dentists across the nation are reporting a huge influx of appointments for root canal procedures, with patients wanting to schedule during the same 7-hour period that CNN will be broadcasting a climate change town hall. Ten 2020 Democratic presidential hopefuls will numb viewers during the event. Bruce Weaver of the American Dental Association says he’s never seen anything like this. “We’re getting reports from all over the country that dentists are receiving tons of calls for root canal procedures specifically during the CNN climate show. People have already…

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AOC Freaks At 3:30 AM After Climate Change Alarmist Clock Goes Off At Wrong Time

alarmist

WASHINGTON – Chalk it up to user error. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (AOC) mistakenly set her alarmist clock wrong and it startled her when it went off at 3:30 am instead of the usual 6:30 am. Cortez awakens each day to a climate change alarmist clock so she can begin each day worrying about climate change. “I screwed up the alarmist setting, just like I screwed up this mac n’ cheese,” she admitted. “I should probably stay out of the kitchen and off Instagram where I post my inane videos, but I…

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Pretend Scientist and Pretend Sane Person Meet At SXSW

AUSTIN – In a fairy tale meeting at this year’s SXSW event, a man who pretends to be a climate expert and a woman who pretends to be a sane person – as well as a climate expert – got together to showcase their stupidity. Bill Nye the Science? Guy, and socialist darling Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez dazzled a SXSW crowd with apocalyptic stories about climate change and how, together, they could combine their powers to save the world. Wonder Twin powers, activate! “She blinded me with science!” Nye exclaimed after hearing…

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Weather Channel’s Mike Seidel Caught In Hellish Personal Hurricane

NORTH CAROLINA – Veteran Weather Channel personality Mike Seidel thought he’d seen it all from the storms he’s covered before. Hurricane Florence changed all of that. Seidel spent much of the recent rain event trapped in his own hellish, personal hurricane. Video footage showed Seidel fighting to brave intense storm conditions within a “hurricane bubble.” The Weather Channel describes a hurricane bubble as “a pocket of hurricane force conditions that exist in a 10 to 20-foot radius, while areas outside the bubble experience much milder conditions.” “Hurricane bubbles are pretty…

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Al Gore’s Latest Dire Predictions to Promote New Climate Movie

LOS ANGELES – In an effort to drum up curiosity for his An Inconvenient Truth sequel, self-appointed climate expert Al Gore gave an audience his latest predictions for our world over the next 5 years – if climate change does not immediately become the #1 priority for every nation on Earth. “I’m not trying to scare you just to scare you,” Gore told a crowd at a recent climate conference here. “In my Inconvenient Truth sequel, you’ll realize that I should have made the movie Waterworld instead. If we don’t…

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Tim Kaine Believes Answers to Life’s Mysteries Contained in Trump Tax Returns

VIRGINIA – After coming down from his debate high, Democratic VP candidate Tim Kaine explained why he just couldn’t let the issue of Donald Trump’s unreleased tax returns go during his interrupt-a-thon. Kaine tried to tie a number of issues to Trump’s tax returns, including finding out how Trump would handle the crisis in Syria, of all things. But the real reason he was so incessant about the returns being made public is because he believes the secret to solving climate change is contained somewhere in Trump’s taxes from the…

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