Biden Touts Latest CNN Poll Showing Him Leading Trump By 120 Million Percent

120 million

PENNSYLVANIA – Democrat presidential hopeful Joe Biden feels good about his chances to win the White House this fall. The Grand Wizard of the Democratic party poked his head out of his basement, saw his shadow, and predicted six more months of gaffes and/or incomplete thoughts or sentences. However, during his brief appearance outside, Biden touted the latest CNN poll, which shows him with a commanding 120 million percent lead over President Trump. “Have you folks seen this? CNN has crunched the numbers and tell me that I lead in…

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NASCAR Driver Bubba Wallace Insists Snow Cone Cups In Lounge Are KKK Hoods

Bubba

TALLADEGA – The controversy of the “noose” in the garage of NASCAR driver Bubba Wallace continues. Even as 15 FBI agents came to the conclusion that the alleged noose was simply a garage door pull, Wallace insists he is the target of a crime. Bubba appeared on Don Lemon’s show on CNN last night and, since nobody watched it, here is a summary of Wallace’s version of recent events. Lemon: This is unacceptable in our country. Do we know yet if President Trump personally placed the rope in your team’s…

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News Anchors Can’t Pronounce Name ‘Tara Reade,’ Working With Speech Therapists For Help

Tara

NEW YORK – In an incredible coincidence, all news anchors for the major networks, CNN, and MSNBC, admit they’re unable to pronounce the name ‘Tara Reade.’ Reade is the woman who has accused Democrat Joe Biden of sexual assault in the 1990’s. According to Media Matters, it’s some kind of fluke that Fox News anchors have no trouble pronouncing the name. “We can’t explain this one,” the Leftist news company said. They noted that neither Chuck Todd, George Stephanopoulis, Jake Tapper, Anderson Cooper, Joe Scarborough, Rachel Maddow, Lester Holt, Nora…

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CNN Says ‘Truth Distancing’ Is What Sets Them Apart In Cable News Race

truth distancing

ATLANTA – As a practice, social distancing is a new way of life for most. CNN, on the other hand, has been distancing for decades. The lowly cable news outlet admits that ‘truth distancing’ is what has differentiated them from their competition. Network anchor Chris Cuomo said, “We’ve been ‘truth distancing’ since I was a baby. CNN didn’t used to practice that, but as more cable news channels popped up, we had to do something to stand out. Distancing ourselves from the truth is what the suits came up with,…

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Reacting To Latest CNN Ratings, Talking Heads Laugh Until They Cry

NEW YORK CITY – During a segment on Don Lemon’s show last night, the host and two guests were responding to the latest ratings disaster for CNN programming. The numbers were so dismal that all the three talking heads could do was laugh until they cried. “I can’t believe we’re still a network!” Don Lemon said between laughs. “Thank God for airports or we wouldn’t have jobs!” His two guests broke out in laughter. Guest Rick Wilson, a Never Trumper, at one point tried to talk about Trump supporters in…

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Ailing Biden Looking For Van To Fall Into To Secure Dem Nomination

WASHINGTON – Frailty seems to be an attractive trait that Democrats look for in their presidential candidates. Just like Hillary Clinton in 2016, Joe Biden is falling apart before our eyes. Still, he continues to lead in the polls for 2020. Biden sported bloody eyes during CNN’s climate fairy tale town hall this week. The Babylon Bee even reported that Biden’s head fell off during his time onstage at the event. Now, that IS embarrassing. However, he continues to lead all candidates whose heads are still attached. One Biden aide…

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Root Canal Appts Skyrocket For Same Hours As CNN Climate Change Town Hall

CHICAGO – Dentists across the nation are reporting a huge influx of appointments for root canal procedures, with patients wanting to schedule during the same 7-hour period that CNN will be broadcasting a climate change town hall. Ten 2020 Democratic presidential hopefuls will numb viewers during the event. Bruce Weaver of the American Dental Association says he’s never seen anything like this. “We’re getting reports from all over the country that dentists are receiving tons of calls for root canal procedures specifically during the CNN climate show. People have already…

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Bernie: Boston Bomber’s Brother Should Be Allowed To Vote From Hell

boston bomber

NEW YORK – During a CNN town hall event on Monday, Democrats’ favorite socialist, Bernie Sanders, said the Boston Bomber should be given the right to vote for his party from prison. Several other 2020 candidates seemed to be in agreement with the proposal. When asked if felons like the Boston Marathon Bomber should be given back their right to vote, Sanders answered, “I do believe the one brother should be allowed to vote from his cell, and his dead brother should be allowed to vote from Hell.” Bernie’s base…

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CNN: Mueller Report Racist Because Redactions Made In Black

redactions

NEW YORK – Members of CNN’s news team were outraged today when the long-awaited Mueller Report was released, but with some redactions being colored black. Anchor Don Lemon and contributor Van Jones were the most triggered by the incident. “This is preposterous!” Van Jones firmly stated. “Attorney General Barr could have made redactions in any color. They DO have color printers at the Department of Justice, I’m sure. This was intentional. What we’re seeing in this report are ‘re-Black-tions,’ and it’s a slap in the face to all people of…

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CNN’s Acosta Nearly Kicks Out Own Reflection For Being Huge Douche

douche

WASHINGTON – CNN crybaby Jim Acosta is used to having people want to kick him out of places. In fact, just yesterday he had his White House press pass revoked and Secret Service denied him entrance to a briefing. Acosta had been a huge douchebag in an exchange with the president earlier in the day. Now, the problem is hitting the reporter close to home. “I was standing in my dressing room, preparing for an appearance on a late night TV show, and my reflection was being such a douche!…

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