Making Ends: Chris Cuomo Forced To Hawk Fitness Videos In Wake Of CNN Suspension

suspension

NEW YORK – CNN has wisely suspended anchor Chris Cuomo. The network admits this is the first thing they’ve done right in decades. Cuomo was busted for trying to use media contacts to dig up dirt on his brother’s sexual assault victims. So how does a cocky bro make ends meet after being suspended? Cuomo says he will hawk many of the thousands of fitness pics and workout videos he’s made of himself over the years. “Fredo,” as he’s better known, has a few fans, but none bigger than himself.…

Read More

CNN’s Don Lemon Recommends The Unvaxxed Abstain From Breathing

unvaxxed

NEW YORK – CNN’s Don Lemon is scared to death of COVID. He’s a devoted Fauci-ite. As such, he views the unclean, unwashed, unvaxxed masses as less than human. And if you’re one of those sub-humans, he’s got some unsolicited advice. “I do believe those who choose not to get the shot should not go to the hospital if they get sick,” Lemon told BFF Chris Cuomo on air this week. “I also believe the unvaxxed should follow CDC guidelines by not traveling this Labor Day weekend. But I think…

Read More

CNN’s Chris Cuomo Insists He Doesn’t Have Any Brothers

Cuomo brothers

NEW YORK – CNN anchor Chris “Fredo” Cuomo has become tangled in scandal. The cocky TV host has been tied to brother Andrew Cuomo’s sex scandal. However, in typical CNN spin fashion, Chris now claims that he’s never had any brothers. Talking to the only ‘brother’ he claims to be close to, anchor Don Lemon, Cuomo said, “Don, you know me. We go way back. I’ve always had your back, no matter how bizarre or racist your takes have always been, haven’t I?” “Yes you have, brother,” Lemon responded. “People…

Read More

Andrew Cuomo Sorry All Women Don’t Realize He’s God’s Gift To Them

NEW YORK – Governor Andrew Cuomo is very sorry he’s having to defend himself. He’s sorry that random groping, kissing and touching are frowned upon in today’s society. But he’s sorry most of all that all women don’t realize that he’s God’s gift to them. In a very. Slow and. Monotone voice, he defended himself against sexual abuse allegations made by 11 women who’ve worked for him. Reading from a prepared statement, Cuomo said, “I don’t understand….how these women…don’t get what a big deal…I am. Being groped, fondled, or kissed…

Read More

Biden Named Worst Comedian After Prefacing Every Punchline With “I’m Not Joking”

CNN – Joe Biden performed stand-up comedy at a town hall show on the network this week. Sadly, every joke the Democrat delivered fell flat. Even CNN anchors couldn’t save the floundering jokester from bombing on stage. Most well-known comics cited his technique as the reason for his poor showing. “You can’t start every joke with ‘Seriously, I’m not joking…,’ before you deliver the punchline,” Jerry Seinfeld said. “It confuses the audience. They don’t know if you’re playing it straight, the joke’s on them, or what.” Comedian Kevin Hart shouted,…

Read More

Dr. Fauci Suggests Babies Start Wearing Masks While Still Inside Womb

CNN – Dr. Anthony Fauci, keeper of all knowledge covid-related, has new mask recommendations for the very young. The doc made his latest degree on a recent show on the network that nobody watches. Ok, it was Brian Stelter’s show. “Look, masks are going to be part of our lives in some fashion for years to come,” Fauci stated. “I recently recommended that children older than 2 wear a mask when they return to school. But since I like to play God, I realized we could do better. I now…

Read More

CNN Rebrand: ‘Same Sh*t, Different Day With Don Lemon’ Replaces ‘CNN Tonight With Don Lemon’

NEW YORK – CNN has decided to rebrand one of its shows. It’s a change that show host Don Lemon teased on social media last Friday. Lemon announced that his show, CNN Tonight with Don Lemon, was ending abruptly that night. Dozens of his fans were thrown into a panic, thinking the host was leaving the network. As it turns out, it was all a publicity stunt to gain attention for his newly titled show that starts Monday night. Same Sh*t, Different Day with Don Lemon debuts tonight, and the…

Read More

Chris Cuomo, Don Lemon Slam Pro-Trump Protests For Doing It Wrong

pro-Trump

CAPITOL HILL – CNN anchor-bros Chris Cuomo and Don Lemon were disgusted at what they saw at the US Capitol this afternoon. A pro-Trump crowd stormed the House and Senate chambers to protest certifying November’s election results. Then things got ugly. However, the two Democratic hacks said the pro-Trump supporters were ‘doing it wrong.’ Cuomo said, “I don’t know what I’m looking at! This is not a protest. I’m not even sure how to describe to our viewers what I’m seeing right now.” “I know,” a disgusted Don Lemon replied.…

Read More

CNN: Don Lemon’s Friends Realize Being His Friend Was Hitting Rock Bottom

NEW YORK – CNN’s Don Lemon announced this week that he’s had to ‘get rid of’ his friends who support President Trump. He likened his friends to drug addicts. Then he told buddy Chris Cuomo that sometimes you just have to let people like that “hit rock bottom.” Lemon has long been a race pimp who uses hate and condescension to bring people together. It’s a novel approach. Now, some former friends are responding to his heartless comments from this week. “I was attending our latest meeting of Don Lemons’…

Read More

CNN Unsure About Jeffrey’s Future, Toobin Says He’d Like To Stick It Out

Toobin

NEW YORK – Masturbating during Zoom calls has not gone mainstream yet. CNN legal analyst Jeffrey Toobin didn’t get the memo. So network executives met to discuss his future with the company. Toobin has taken a leave of absence in light of being caught pleasuring himself during a Zoom call. The network says their guy is suffering from over-exposure. “At first, I thought about just giving him the shaft,” said CNN president Jeff Zucker. “But after I cooled down, I realized that Jeffrey is just the kind of degenerate we…

Read More