CNN’s Don Lemon Recommends The Unvaxxed Abstain From Breathing

unvaxxed

NEW YORK – CNN’s Don Lemon is scared to death of COVID. He’s a devoted Fauci-ite. As such, he views the unclean, unwashed, unvaxxed masses as less than human. And if you’re one of those sub-humans, he’s got some unsolicited advice. “I do believe those who choose not to get the shot should not go to the hospital if they get sick,” Lemon told BFF Chris Cuomo on air this week. “I also believe the unvaxxed should follow CDC guidelines by not traveling this Labor Day weekend. But I think…

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CNN’s Chris Cuomo Insists He Doesn’t Have Any Brothers

Cuomo brothers

NEW YORK – CNN anchor Chris “Fredo” Cuomo has become tangled in scandal. The cocky TV host has been tied to brother Andrew Cuomo’s sex scandal. However, in typical CNN spin fashion, Chris now claims that he’s never had any brothers. Talking to the only ‘brother’ he claims to be close to, anchor Don Lemon, Cuomo said, “Don, you know me. We go way back. I’ve always had your back, no matter how bizarre or racist your takes have always been, haven’t I?” “Yes you have, brother,” Lemon responded. “People…

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Andrew Cuomo Sorry All Women Don’t Realize He’s God’s Gift To Them

NEW YORK – Governor Andrew Cuomo is very sorry he’s having to defend himself. He’s sorry that random groping, kissing and touching are frowned upon in today’s society. But he’s sorry most of all that all women don’t realize that he’s God’s gift to them. In a very. Slow and. Monotone voice, he defended himself against sexual abuse allegations made by 11 women who’ve worked for him. Reading from a prepared statement, Cuomo said, “I don’t understand….how these women…don’t get what a big deal…I am. Being groped, fondled, or kissed…

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Biden Named Worst Comedian After Prefacing Every Punchline With “I’m Not Joking”

CNN – Joe Biden performed stand-up comedy at a town hall show on the network this week. Sadly, every joke the Democrat delivered fell flat. Even CNN anchors couldn’t save the floundering jokester from bombing on stage. Most well-known comics cited his technique as the reason for his poor showing. “You can’t start every joke with ‘Seriously, I’m not joking…,’ before you deliver the punchline,” Jerry Seinfeld said. “It confuses the audience. They don’t know if you’re playing it straight, the joke’s on them, or what.” Comedian Kevin Hart shouted,…

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Dr. Fauci Suggests Babies Start Wearing Masks While Still Inside Womb

CNN – Dr. Anthony Fauci, keeper of all knowledge covid-related, has new mask recommendations for the very young. The doc made his latest degree on a recent show on the network that nobody watches. Ok, it was Brian Stelter’s show. “Look, masks are going to be part of our lives in some fashion for years to come,” Fauci stated. “I recently recommended that children older than 2 wear a mask when they return to school. But since I like to play God, I realized we could do better. I now…

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CNN Rebrand: ‘Same Sh*t, Different Day With Don Lemon’ Replaces ‘CNN Tonight With Don Lemon’

NEW YORK – CNN has decided to rebrand one of its shows. It’s a change that show host Don Lemon teased on social media last Friday. Lemon announced that his show, CNN Tonight with Don Lemon, was ending abruptly that night. Dozens of his fans were thrown into a panic, thinking the host was leaving the network. As it turns out, it was all a publicity stunt to gain attention for his newly titled show that starts Monday night. Same Sh*t, Different Day with Don Lemon debuts tonight, and the…

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Chris Cuomo, Don Lemon Slam Pro-Trump Protests For Doing It Wrong

pro-Trump

CAPITOL HILL – CNN anchor-bros Chris Cuomo and Don Lemon were disgusted at what they saw at the US Capitol this afternoon. A pro-Trump crowd stormed the House and Senate chambers to protest certifying November’s election results. Then things got ugly. However, the two Democratic hacks said the pro-Trump supporters were ‘doing it wrong.’ Cuomo said, “I don’t know what I’m looking at! This is not a protest. I’m not even sure how to describe to our viewers what I’m seeing right now.” “I know,” a disgusted Don Lemon replied.…

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CNN: Don Lemon’s Friends Realize Being His Friend Was Hitting Rock Bottom

NEW YORK – CNN’s Don Lemon announced this week that he’s had to ‘get rid of’ his friends who support President Trump. He likened his friends to drug addicts. Then he told buddy Chris Cuomo that sometimes you just have to let people like that “hit rock bottom.” Lemon has long been a race pimp who uses hate and condescension to bring people together. It’s a novel approach. Now, some former friends are responding to his heartless comments from this week. “I was attending our latest meeting of Don Lemons’…

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CNN Unsure About Jeffrey’s Future, Toobin Says He’d Like To Stick It Out

Toobin

NEW YORK – Masturbating during Zoom calls has not gone mainstream yet. CNN legal analyst Jeffrey Toobin didn’t get the memo. So network executives met to discuss his future with the company. Toobin has taken a leave of absence in light of being caught pleasuring himself during a Zoom call. The network says their guy is suffering from over-exposure. “At first, I thought about just giving him the shaft,” said CNN president Jeff Zucker. “But after I cooled down, I realized that Jeffrey is just the kind of degenerate we…

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CNN: Authorities Intercept Package Of ‘Mostly Peaceful’ Ricin Meant For Trump

package

NEW YORK – It was learned on Saturday that a package addressed to President Trump earlier in the week contained the toxic poison ricin. Fortunately, law enforcement agents intercepted the package before it reached the White House. While the poison can be deadly to humans, even in the smallest amounts, CNN is reporting that the ricin has been tested and was deemed to be ‘mostly peaceful.’ Mostly peaceful ricin is apparently a new strain of the poison. So new, in fact, that law enforcement didn’t know about it. “This is…

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