CNN’s Acosta Nearly Kicks Out Own Reflection For Being Huge Douche

douche

WASHINGTON – CNN crybaby Jim Acosta is used to having people want to kick him out of places. In fact, just yesterday he had his White House press pass revoked and Secret Service denied him entrance to a briefing. Acosta had been a huge douchebag in an exchange with the president earlier in the day. Now, the problem is hitting the reporter close to home. “I was standing in my dressing room, preparing for an appearance on a late night TV show, and my reflection was being such a douche!…

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Leftists Outraged Over Mob Label, Prefer Calling Activists Flash Mobs

ATLANTA – Media types, especially those at CNN, can’t bear to hear of Antifa-types being labeled as ‘mobs.’ Besides, just because a group of hateful people walks like a mob, and talks like a mob, doesn’t mean it’s a mob. Right? “I don’t like the ‘M’ word. I prefer to refer to them as flash mobs,” CNN’s Brooke Baldwin admitted. “They’re just a bunch of people who spontaneously decide to harass, attack, and fight Trump supporters. A true mob would be made up of a bunch of angry people suddenly…

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CNN Furious After Trump Calls MSNBC Bottom of Fake News Barrel

ATLANTA – CNN personalities are furious after President Trump called MSNBC “the worst of all” when it comes to fake news outlets. His comments took place at a rally this weekend. It was bad enough for the network when Trump supporters made CNN reporter Jim Acosta cry at the event. Now this. Their bad weekend got worse when the president gave the worst news outlet title to MSNBC instead. CNN has long prided itself on being the leader in fake news, and their ratings bear out that fact. But the…

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CNN: Acosta Dodged Sniper Fire, IED’s At Trump Rally

Acosta

TAMPA – According to CNN reporter April Ryan, fellow network reporter Jim Acosta’s life was in danger at a recent rally held here for President Trump and a local politician. After enduring chants from the crowd of “CNN sucks!” Ryan says Acosta is lucky to be alive. Speaking to racist anchor Don Lemon, Ryan said, “It was like a war zone in there. Not only was Jim crawling on his elbows through the crowds to avoid sniper fire from Secret Service, but IED’s had been placed near many of the…

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CNN: Stormy Daniels Secures Release of 3 NoKo Hostages

hostages

THIS IS CNN – In the early morning hours, as President Trump welcomed home three American hostages who had been held captive in North Korea, CNN cut to the chase and presented the facts of their negotiated release as it exists in the CNN newsroom. “We’re pleased to report that it was in fact Stormy Daniels who – having flown to North Korea on a plane that crashed in the sea – escaped injury, soldiered on to Pyongyang, and secured the freedom of these three captive Americans. CNN will have…

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Sporting Goods CEO Interview Gives CNN a Mouthful of Dick’s

Dick's

NEW YORK – The CEO of Dick’s Sporting Goods announced in an interview with CNN that his company is going limp on gun sales. Network anchor Chris Cuomo remarked after the interview, “He sure said a mouthful! I haven’t given Dick’s much thought lately, but I sure will now. He told me more about Dick’s than I ever cared to know.” Dick’s CEO Ed Stack said he thinks the store’s customer base will remain loyal despite the removal of all scary-looking guns from store shelves. “Our customers, we refer to…

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CNN Poll: Oprah 60% Jesus 28% Trump 12% for 2020

ATLANTA – CNN sees 2020 as the second coming of Oprah for president. Even Jesus couldn’t beat her. And Trump might as well quit now. That’s the result of the network’s latest poll on possible presidential candidates for the next election cycle. Anchor Jake Tapper said CNN polled 896 random viewers of their network. The margin of error for the poll was +/- 25%. Digging through the data, some insights among those polled were discovered: Breakdown by political affiliation of those polled – 55% Democrat, 35% Independent, 10% Republican. This…

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CNN Unveils New Slogan With “Fruits First” Ad

ATLANTA – Tired of being embarrassed by President Trump over their inability to report unbiased truth, CNN has decided to embarrass themselves. The network has released an ad campaign featuring what they feel pretty strongly is an apple, called “Fruits First.” The ad caught many in the media off guard, unsure why CNN is so adamant about fruit. The ad begins with the picture of an apple, with the words “This is an apple” under it. The ad goes on to insist the object pictured is not a banana –…

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Alt-Left Media: “Why Didn’t Trump Provide Live Hurricane Coverage Himself?”

hurricane

NEW YORK – Members of the alt-left media are disgusted that President Trump didn’t volunteer to provide live coverage to the public as Hurricane Harvey made landfall Friday night. They said they would only be happy had the president put his own life in danger at the worst of the storm. As high winds and flooding rains slammed the Texas coast, CNN’s Don Lemon told viewers, “If the president really cared for Texans, he would have put himself in harm’s way to give them the most accurate reports of deteriorating…

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Anti-Trump Media Explain Charlottesville Violence in Pictures

VIRGINIA – If you’re one of those people who don’t watch CNN, MSNBC, PBS or any of the big network news shows, you might not know what really happened in Charlottesville last weekend. So, according to the media outlets named above, here is their take on the ‘one-sided’ violence, as explained with pictures of the event:             This is their version of events as they happened in Charlottesville, and the mainstream media is sticking to it. So, if you’re a Trump supporter, we’re sorry that…

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