Democrat Jerry Nadler Hoping To Avoid Catching Virus Through Forehead

Jerry Nadler

WASHINGTON – Saying “I believe it’s common knowledge,” Democrat congressman Jerry Nadler asserted that everyone knows the coronavirus enters the human body through the forehead. For this reason, the politician has raised his mask position to mirror the higher-than-normal position of his belt. Nadler was photographed today in the House chamber, where he showed how he protects his forehead with his mask. “This is the best way to stay safe during this pandemic,” Jerry told reporters. “You’ve got to block the forehead. Why do you think they scan your forehead…

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Biden Touts Latest CNN Poll Showing Him Leading Trump By 120 Million Percent

120 million

PENNSYLVANIA – Democrat presidential hopeful Joe Biden feels good about his chances to win the White House this fall. The Grand Wizard of the Democratic party poked his head out of his basement, saw his shadow, and predicted six more months of gaffes and/or incomplete thoughts or sentences. However, during his brief appearance outside, Biden touted the latest CNN poll, which shows him with a commanding 120 million percent lead over President Trump. “Have you folks seen this? CNN has crunched the numbers and tell me that I lead in…

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Arrogant Prick Blasts Trump’s Virus Response For Not Being As Smooth As His Obamacare Website Debut

arrogant prick

WASHINGTON – During a virtual commencement speech to brainwashed students, an arrogant prick took veiled swipes at President Trump’s response to the coronavirus outbreak. “These folks in charge don’t know what they’re doing,” the arrogant prick told his audience. “Their response to the current pandemic has been weak, sloppy, and a model of inefficiency. Compare that to the flawless roll out of my Obamacare website during my first term. I, I, I, uh, I, I, uh, rest my case.” For those who might not remember, the Obamacare website launch was…

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VP Pence To Head Up Murder Hornet Task Force, Dems Call Trump Bee-ist

WASHINGTON – Coronavirus is still a huge issue in our society, but America has a new foe to deal with on top of it – the Asian Murder Hornet. They’re pretty scary creatures with a painfully, toxic sting, and an appetite for destroying honeybees. But the murder hornets haven’t dealt with an enemy like Donald Trump yet. Today, the president appointed VP Mike Pence to lead a new task force against the murderous hoard of insects. And Democrats are not happy about it. “The president is doing what he did…

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Obama Unsure Whether Climate Change Models Or Coronavirus Models Are More Wrong

MARTHA’S VINEYARD – It’s Earth Day, so Barack Obama emerged just long enough to make his obligatory comments about the dangers of climate change. The former president released a statement saying climate change would be more devastating to the world than the coronavirus. Each year, Obama picks a different boogeyman to pit against the coming doom of climate change. And climate change always wins. Always. However, he wasn’t sure which models were more incorrect. Are climate change models more wrong than coronavirus models? “That’s difficult to answer. Both have been…

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With Mask Shortage, AOC Confused Over Why No Run On Masking Tape

masking

WASHINGTON – As she made margaritas in her swanky apartment, Socialist Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez wondered aloud about many things to her Instagram audience. Each one more stupid than the previous one. Finally, she got to a subject that she said has puzzled her throughout the current coronavirus pandemic. “Like, people are going nuts over toilet paper. I get that. Makes perfect sense to me. But, like, why has there not been a run on masking tape?” AOC asked. “We have a national mask shortage. People are starting to make their own…

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Barack Obama Says He Would Have Talked Coronavirus To Death By Now

talked to death

NEW YORK – Former President Barack Obama emerged from his life of luxury today, just long enough to criticize President’s Trump handling of the current pandemic. He chastised Trump for his travel bans, inability to stop the pandemic in its tracks, and not taking China at its word. “If Joe (Biden) and I were still in office, I would have bowed to the Chinese leaders numerous times – even if they weren’t telling us the truth about the disease – and I certainly think I could have talked the coronavirus…

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Corona-Styleless: Surgical Mask Fashion Runway Shows Being Cancelled

mask

NEW YORK – Another victim of the COVID-19 virus that’s affecting our world right now is the fashion industry. As most public events get cancelled, the fashion industry is forced to call off upcoming fashion runway shows. The latest casualty is the 2020 Surgical Mask Runway Show, normally held in New York City. The show features what trendy hipsters in Paris will be wearing in the surgical mask fashion category in the upcoming year. “This really sucks,” said fashion designer Ophilea Johnson. “We had some very trendy surgical mask entries…

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Leftist Nightmare: Worse To Have Chinese Virus Or Hear Someone Call It Chinese Virus?

Chinese Virus

CALIFORNIA – Progressives on the American Left are having a tough time right now. Besides a deep-down knowing that Donald Trump will be their president for four more years, this coronavirus thing is hitting them from all sides. Yesterday, the president called the coronavirus the “Chinese Virus.” The anguish on the left was immeasurable. And it unleashed a hellish conundrum for them. Is it more painful to actually contract and suffer through having the Chinese Virus…or is it much, much, much worse to hear someone call it that in person…

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AOC Slams Trump For Not Using Presidential Magic Wand Against Virus

WASHINGTON – Democrats in Congress are continuously slamming President Trump for not instantly curing the coronavirus that is plaguing mankind at the moment. Many are reminding the public that a Democrat would have already eradicated the disease, were they in the White House. Representative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez can’t believe the president isn’t doing more to protect Americans. “Like, it’s common knowledge that the Speaker (Pelosi) has her magic gavel. And the president has, like, this presidential magic wand. I see no evidence that he’s used it to solve this coronavirus crisis.…

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