Trump Eats Bowl Of Covid, Chugs Gallon Of Liberal Tears Just Before Discharge

liberal tears

WALTER REED – Just before being discharged, President Trump requested one last hospital meal before heading back to the White House. The president is being discharged following a successful treatment for Covid-19. Trump requested ‘a heaping bowl of coronavirus and a gallon of liberal’s tears.’ The president said he’d gotten quite an appetite during his stay and that Walter Reed Hospital has excellent chefs. According to his chief-of-staff Mark Meadows, “The president scarfed down the entire bowl of the virus. He washed it down by chugging the entire gallon of…

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Media Furious After Doc Says Trump Tested Negative For ‘White Supremacy’ In Hospital

white supremacy

MARYLAND – Doctors treating President Trump for covid-19 at Walter Reed Hospital gave an update on the president’s condition today. However, members of the press were outraged at what else the doctors said. Throughout the health update, there wasn’t even a mention of whether the president had denounced white supremacy while receiving treatment. CNN’s Jim Acosta was driven to tears after the presser. “All they gave us was information on treatments, the president’s mood, oxygen levels. Who cares about that?” “There was not one mention by the doctors that the…

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Officials Announce New ‘Social Justice Distancing’ Rules For Woke Protesters

social justice distancing

SEATTLE – We’re all familiar with ‘social distancing’ guidelines. Now, there are also ‘social justice distancing’ guidelines for the woke among us. City leaders here have outlined new rules for progressive protesters and looters, to keep them safe in the Covid-19 age. According to a press release on Friday, “If you’re around people in normal situations, the 6′ distance is still optimal between you and others. However, liberal scientists have told us that tests reveal the coronavirus doesn’t spread as easily when faced with social justice. If you’re a woke…

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MLB: Baseball May Never Return If Spitting Banned Due To COVID

NEW YORK – Word on the diamond is that Major League Baseball may never return if players are banned from spitting, due to the Covid-19 pandemic. And, let’s be honest, spitting is in the top 5 of America’s favorite past times. Representatives for the MLB Player’s Union say the game will not be the same if players aren’t allowed to spit every 15 seconds, both on the field and in the dugout. The Union is at odds with team owners, many of whom don’t have spit in the game. Due…

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With Mask Shortage, AOC Confused Over Why No Run On Masking Tape

masking

WASHINGTON – As she made margaritas in her swanky apartment, Socialist Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez wondered aloud about many things to her Instagram audience. Each one more stupid than the previous one. Finally, she got to a subject that she said has puzzled her throughout the current coronavirus pandemic. “Like, people are going nuts over toilet paper. I get that. Makes perfect sense to me. But, like, why has there not been a run on masking tape?” AOC asked. “We have a national mask shortage. People are starting to make their own…

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Barack Obama Says He Would Have Talked Coronavirus To Death By Now

talked to death

NEW YORK – Former President Barack Obama emerged from his life of luxury today, just long enough to criticize President’s Trump handling of the current pandemic. He chastised Trump for his travel bans, inability to stop the pandemic in its tracks, and not taking China at its word. “If Joe (Biden) and I were still in office, I would have bowed to the Chinese leaders numerous times – even if they weren’t telling us the truth about the disease – and I certainly think I could have talked the coronavirus…

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Corona-Styleless: Surgical Mask Fashion Runway Shows Being Cancelled

mask

NEW YORK – Another victim of the COVID-19 virus that’s affecting our world right now is the fashion industry. As most public events get cancelled, the fashion industry is forced to call off upcoming fashion runway shows. The latest casualty is the 2020 Surgical Mask Runway Show, normally held in New York City. The show features what trendy hipsters in Paris will be wearing in the surgical mask fashion category in the upcoming year. “This really sucks,” said fashion designer Ophilea Johnson. “We had some very trendy surgical mask entries…

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