Debate: Pence Hopes Plexiglass Will Protect Him From STD From Kamala

plexiglass

SALT LAKE CITY – During last-minute preparations for the VP debate here tonight, Vice President Mike Pence had a few questions. Mostly about health and safety. Mostly about the plexiglass partition that will separate he and his opponent, Kamala Harris. “Forget Covid,” the Vice President said. “From what I’ve heard over the years, I’m more worried about catching a STD from Senator Harris. I know her a little bit, but God knows where she’s been. I could tell you some stories that even make me blush.” The VP wondered aloud…

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Biden Floats Ferraro, Barbara Jordan, Ann Richards For VP, Ruth Bader-Ginsburg For Court

VP

WASHINGTON – Pandering for the female vote, presidential candidate Joe Biden said in tonight’s debate that he would pick a woman to be his running mate. “I don’t run as much as I used to,” Biden said, “But I’m still in great shape for a guy that doesn’t know what’s going on.” When pressed about who he was considering as a potential vice-president, should he get the nomination, Joe rattled off a few names. Biden: “Oh gosh, we have some wonderful women I would be honored to have serve as…

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Bernie Gives ‘My Depends Were Riding Up’ Excuse For Extra Crankiness At Debate

Depends

SOUTH CAROLINA – Cable news pundits even noticed that grumpy Bernie Sanders seemed crankier than normal in the last Democratic debate. Many said he didn’t look comfortable being in the middle position on stage. Now we may know why. Sanders said in an interview with MSNBC that his Depend diaper was too snug, and it was giving him fits. “My Depends were riding up my butt crack,” he told Joe Scarborough. “It didn’t have anything to do with how I felt being attacked as the front-runner.” Bernie then decided to…

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Mike Bloomberg Loses Coveted Horse-Faced Lesbians Group Endorsement

horse-faced

NEVADA – 2020 presidential hopeful Mike Bloomberg’s road to the White House just got much tougher. In last night’s debate, Democratic rival Elizabeth Warren exposed Bloomberg’s past mocking of horse-faced lesbians, and it has cost him the coveted demographic’s vote. No candidate has won the presidency since 1954 without first winning the endorsement of the horse-faced lesbian voting bloc. The National Horse-Faced Lesbian Union (HFLU) is so mad at Bloomberg that they’ve pulled their previous endorsement of him. The horse-faced president of the union said the group now endorses Warren…

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Fly on Hillary’s Face During Debate Sent by Russia’s Putin

ST. LOUIS – Those watching the second presidential debate noticed a fly land on Hillary Clinton’s face, just as the candidate was delivering another round of bullsh*t to the audience with her answer to a question. Robby Mook, Clinton’s annoying, 15 year-old campaign manager, said he believes the fly landing was the work of Russians. “Everybody knows Putin and the Russians will stop at nothing to see Hillary defeated. Not even Trump could have pulled this stunt off.” The stealth fly, still on the loose tonight, landed just above Hillary’s…

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Tim Kaine Believes Answers to Life’s Mysteries Contained in Trump Tax Returns

VIRGINIA – After coming down from his debate high, Democratic VP candidate Tim Kaine explained why he just couldn’t let the issue of Donald Trump’s unreleased tax returns go during his interrupt-a-thon. Kaine tried to tie a number of issues to Trump’s tax returns, including finding out how Trump would handle the crisis in Syria, of all things. But the real reason he was so incessant about the returns being made public is because he believes the secret to solving climate change is contained somewhere in Trump’s taxes from the…

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“Drug-Fueled” Kaine and Disabled Ticket Takes Hit After VP Debate

VIRGINIA – After watching the Vice-Presidential debate on Tuesday, one thing was clear – Tim Kaine must have been on something. He was up and down and all over the place. And that was just his eyebrows. Kaine came off, even to many in his own party, as manic, hyper, out of control. He interrupted opponent Mike Pence 57 times during the 90-minute debate, causing most on social media to declare Pence the easy winner. No one knows what Kaine might have been cruising on. Was it lidoKaine, benzoKaine, novoKaine,…

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Hillary Complained About Graffiti on Backdrop of Debate Stage

NEW YORK – During the walk-through before the first presidential debate, Hillary Clinton pointed out something she didn’t think was appropriate on an American debate stage. She asked producers why there needed to be walls covered with graffiti behind both podiums on the big night. “Don’t get me wrong,” she said, “The lettering and work that went into that graffiti showed real talent by the artist. But what does it have to do with politics? It just seems oddly out of place.” Clinton’s staff were equally dumbfounded, unable to explain…

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