With Mask Shortage, AOC Confused Over Why No Run On Masking Tape

masking

WASHINGTON – As she made margaritas in her swanky apartment, Socialist Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez wondered aloud about many things to her Instagram audience. Each one more stupid than the previous one. Finally, she got to a subject that she said has puzzled her throughout the current coronavirus pandemic. “Like, people are going nuts over toilet paper. I get that. Makes perfect sense to me. But, like, why has there not been a run on masking tape?” AOC asked. “We have a national mask shortage. People are starting to make their own…

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Hillary: Joe Biden Could Seal Deal With Voters By Getting Thrown Into Van

NEW YORK – Two-time presidential loser Hillary Clinton has some advice for her friend Joe Biden. Get your handlers to throw you into a waiting van. She said in an interview on CNN that getting thrown into a van was the high point of her campaign in 2016. “Sympathy can do wonders,” Clinton said, “And we Clinton’s are not the most sympathetic people. So, it’s a way of manipulating the emotions of voters. I think that’s what Joe needs to seal the deal against Bernie. And, trust me Joe, Democrats…

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Scientists: Finding Coronavirus Vaccine Easier Than Cure For Trump Derangement Syndrome

coronavirus

OMAHA – Researchers at the University of Nebraska Medical Center are confident they’ll be able to come up soon with a vaccine that will counter the coronavirus outbreak. However, those same scientists are far less optimistic about finding a cure for Trump Derangement Syndrome (TDS). Initially, there was hope that whatever vaccine worked to hold the coronavirus at bay could also be infused with a broad-spectrum anti-derangement agent. Unfortunately, the TDS component has failed to show positive results in clinical trials. “I think we’ll find a suitable vaccine for the…

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Supreme Court Rules Chuck Schumer Is A Knuckle-Nuts Chode Monster For Threatening Justices

Justices

WASHINGTON – Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer is an azzhole. That’s not news. In fact, it’s been common knowledge for decades. But now, the senator has gone too far. He’s now publicly threatening conservative justices on the Supreme Court if they restrict, in any way, his party’s ability to kill babies. Schumer told a rabid crowd of pro-choice supporters that Justices Kavanaugh and Gorsuch would “pay the price” and “won’t know what hit you,” if they didn’t vote his way. That’s a threat, no matter what part of the country…

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Bloomberg Wins Then Quits: Ignores ‘As American Samoa Goes, So Goes Rest Of America’ Tradition

American Samoa

NEW YORK – Fresh off his stunning victory in the Democratic caucus in American Samoa, Michael Bloomberg shocked supporters by dropping out of the 2020 race. In doing so, he ignored the long held election creed of ‘As American Samoa goes, so goes the rest of America.’ Cable news pundits were stunned. A. B. Stoddard, of RealClearPolitics, said, “Everyone in punditry understands that our culture and politics flows downstream from American Samoa. Bloomberg’s people had to have known that. Why he would quit after winning delegate-rich Samoa is beyond me.”…

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Bernie Sanders Considering Lawsuit Against TurboTax For Using Word ‘Free’ Without His Permission

CAMPAIGN TRAIL – Presidential candidate Bernie Sanders is not happy with TurboTax. The online tax prep company features commercials that have various characters reciting the phrase “Free. Free free free. Free free. Free!” This time of year, most Americans can’t escape the tedious ads for TurboTax. But Bernie considers himself the ‘King of Free.’ And he’s now considering a lawsuit against TurboTax for overusing his patented free message. “When people think of the word ‘free’ they think of Bernie Sanders. Nobody promises more things for free than me.” Sanders continued,…

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Pete Quits: America Not Ready For Condescending Prick So Soon After Obama

SOUTH BEND – Mayor Pete Buttigieg will not have a chance to lose the presidency to Donald Trump in 2020. The first openly gay presidential candidate dropped out of the race today, after a disappointing showing in the South Carolina primary. However, his sexual orientation had nothing to do with his downfall. “I just don’t think America is ready for another condescending prick so soon after President Obama,” Buttigieg told reporters. “President Obama always talked down to the American people. I hope to do the same from the White House…

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Bernie Gives ‘My Depends Were Riding Up’ Excuse For Extra Crankiness At Debate

Depends

SOUTH CAROLINA – Cable news pundits even noticed that grumpy Bernie Sanders seemed crankier than normal in the last Democratic debate. Many said he didn’t look comfortable being in the middle position on stage. Now we may know why. Sanders said in an interview with MSNBC that his Depend diaper was too snug, and it was giving him fits. “My Depends were riding up my butt crack,” he told Joe Scarborough. “It didn’t have anything to do with how I felt being attacked as the front-runner.” Bernie then decided to…

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Joe Biden Reminds Supporters That Distant Second Is The New First Place

distant second

SOUTH CAROLINA – Speaking to a small crowd in a high school gym today, clueless presidential wannabe Joe Biden tried to keep his supporters motivated. “I just want to remind you all of something. We kicked some serious second-place butt in Nevada, didn’t we?! We’ve got real Joementum now. I can feel it. I’m serious. But don’t lose sight of…or doubt…the strength of our campaign. “Many of you may not know this, but a distant second is the new first-place. You heard me right. We’ve got Bernie (Sanders) right where…

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Mike Bloomberg Loses Coveted Horse-Faced Lesbians Group Endorsement

horse-faced

NEVADA – 2020 presidential hopeful Mike Bloomberg’s road to the White House just got much tougher. In last night’s debate, Democratic rival Elizabeth Warren exposed Bloomberg’s past mocking of horse-faced lesbians, and it has cost him the coveted demographic’s vote. No candidate has won the presidency since 1954 without first winning the endorsement of the horse-faced lesbian voting bloc. The National Horse-Faced Lesbian Union (HFLU) is so mad at Bloomberg that they’ve pulled their previous endorsement of him. The horse-faced president of the union said the group now endorses Warren…

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