Monkeypox Warning: Angry Biden Puts A Pox On Monkeys Everywhere

monkeypox

WASHINGTON – An angry President Biden put primates of all kinds on notice yesterday. As news outlets try to stoke monkeypox fears for the general population, Biden told monkeys everywhere to keep their diseases to themselves. “Let me be perfectly clear. I’m up to my neck in crises at the moment. I don’t have the energy to deal with planet of the apes right now! Come on! My administration is busy setting records every day for high food prices, gas prices, illegal immigration crossings, formula shortages, murders…you name it. I’m…

Read More

Biden Going After Baby Formula Fat Cats, Toddlers Who’ve Cornered Formula Black Market

baby formula

WASHINGTON – President Biden held a baby formula summit today to address the worsening shortage gripping America. Joe met with CEO’s of “Big Formula” behind closed doors, locking out the press. A statement was released afterwards that shed light on the meeting. President Biden placed blame for the shortage of baby formula on industry ‘fat cats,’ complaining they were concerned with profits over production. “Come on, man! You guys should be working overtime to make as much formula as fast as you can. We gotta get it out there to…

Read More

Biden Administration Secretly Working On Car That Runs On Blame

run on blame

WASHINGTON – President Biden today announced that his administration is working feverishly on a new vehicle that will run on “blame.” Blame is something that is always in abundant supply in Joe’s White House. And despite his miserable poll numbers in every area, Americans give Biden a 96% approval rating on his ability to always blame someone else. There are many problems in the country right now. So far, Biden has attacked each one with pious rhetoric. Surprisingly, none of his words have solved a single problem to date. So…

Read More

Left Hates SCOTUS Erasing Roe V. Wade Mistake, Kind Of Like An Abortion?

Roe v. Wade

WASHINGTON – Someday soon, the landmark abortion case from 1973, Roe v. Wade, may be aborted by the Supreme Court. And Democrats are losing their minds. But isn’t the SCOTUS correcting a mistake the same thing progressives view an abortion as being – correcting a mistake? The gnashing of teeth and tribal screams have begun. They mad. Maybe Obama told them if they like their Roe v. Wade, they can keep their Roe v. Wade? Sorry. 50 years a mistake is still a mistake. Dems are freaking out though, acting…

Read More

Biden Appoints Mental Patient To Head New Thought Police Agency

mental

WASHINGTON – Through the Department of Homeland Insecurity, President Biden is trying to start a new agency to censor Americans. The Disinformation Governance Board is the fancy name thought up by bureaucrats to disguise the suppressive effort. Disinformation is defined as “anything that conflicts with a narrative or view supported by a Democrat.” As the ‘Thought Police,’ the agency will determine what is and isn’t acceptable for you to see or hear. Normally, Americans don’t associate the words ‘Biden’ and ‘thought’ together. So it makes perfect sense that the president…

Read More

Biden Misfires, Says There’s Nothing Scarier Than A Ghost With A Gun

ghost gun

WASHINGTON – President Biden announced yesterday his intention to crack down on “ghost guns.” Because, in his view, “There’s nothing scarier than a ghost with a gun, I’m being serious here. This is not hyperbole. You don’t want to mess around with those things.” Biden, who claims he’s been slimed by 3 separate ghosts, explained the problem with ghost guns is that they’re invisible. “Just like ghosts, man. That’s why they’re untraceable. It’s spooky, creepy stuff,” he said, whispering for effect. “Americans are understandably worried about the rise in crime…

Read More

Gay Community Adopts Easier ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ+ Tagline

gay

AMERICA – Activists in the gay community have finally adopted a streamlined, easier-to-say tagline. The new moniker is more user friendly than the traditional LGBTQIA+ the movement has used recently. “I know it takes a little longer to say every time one refers to someone in the community, but the old one was hard for the average person to remember the order,” said one activist. “And LGBTQ looks like a Russian word or something. Most Americans don’t speak Russian. You can see why this was a problem.” Tori Smythe, a…

Read More

Kamala Explains Passage Of Time, But Asks ‘What If Time Stopped Passage-ing?’

passage of time

LOUISIANA – Veep Kamala Harris is known as the Aristotle of the Democrat Party by Washington insiders. Everywhere she goes, she shares her knowledge and wisdom with those lucky enough to witness her presence. This week, Harris opined on the significance of the passage of time. “The significance of the passage of time, right? Most of us think ti-i-i-ime is on my side. But does anybody really know what time it is? These times, they are a changin.’ That’s right. Time is so many things. Time…..is flowing like a river.…

Read More

Disney Flying Freak Flag Over Magic Kingdom, Plans To ‘Gay Up’ Content

Disney

MAGIC KINGDOM – Woke Disney has promised to create new content for kids that is LGBTD+ friendly. The D stands for Disney. The move is apparently trying to capture that coveted “3-16 year old, sexually confused” demographic. The media company plans to shove the gay/trans lifestyle down consumer’s throats through new content, as well as ‘gaying up’ old fan favorites. Disney’s new CEO said, “We’ll be pandering to the LGBTD+ crowd with shows like That’s So Craven, Lezzie McGuire, Ken Possible, Good Tuck Charlie, Trannah Montana, Phineas Becomes Ferb, and…

Read More

Biden Angered By Continued Russian Hostilities, Thought Last Week Was Spring Break

spring break

ON A DELAWARE BEACH – President Biden was visibly angry after hearing Russia was continuing to bombard Ukraine while he vacationed. “Come on, man! It’s Spring Break! Putin knows that. Don’t they have Spring Break in Russia? Go to the beach, Vlad. Chill, baby!” “I came here to unwind and thought Putin would pause hostilities for Spring Break,” Joe told reporters. “I guess he’s taking this whole WW3 thing more seriously than I am. Oh wait! It’s not spring over there, is it? Jill? Anybody know? Seems like in the…

Read More