Beto Asks Supporters To Update Their Versions Of Him To 3.0

3.0

ARKANSAS – As he made the rounds at a local gun show, Democratic presidential candidate Beto O’Rourke began the third launch of himself to potential voters. He asked all of his supporters to please update their versions of him to the newest 3.0 version. “I’m hopeful that this version will be the one people want. The previous versions of me were glitchy, slow, and annoying. We’ve finished the Beto-testing on this latest version of me and I think people will find it more up to speed,” Beto explained while waving…

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Biden Vows To Make Word ‘Malarkey’ Popular Among Youth Again

DETROIT – In the second Democratic debate this week, 2020 hopeful Joe Biden vowed that one of his first duties as president would be to make the word ‘malarkey’ cool again with the nation’s young people. That’d be just swell. “The word has dropped out of favor, and that’s a shame,” Biden told CNN’s Don Lemon. “I think once kids see how hip I am, they’ll want to start copying me and my coolness. In case you can’t tell, kiddo, I’m really with it.” Biden told Lemon he envisions the…

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Dems Given Mueller Home Board Game As Consolation Prize

consolation

WASHINGTON – Democrats just can’t win. Their insistence on Robert Mueller testifying backfired on them badly. But they’re not going home empty-handed. Yes, each Democrat in Congress will receive the Limited Edition Mueller Investigation Board Game as a consolation prize. Republican Jim Jordan of Ohio said, “It’s been a blast. I want to thank them for playing, but it’s time to move on. I hope Democrats will have fun playing the Mueller board game at home with their friends and families. The thing I like most about it, is that…

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Robert Mueller: Happiness Is DC In My Purview Mirror

purview

WASHINGTON – He couldn’t remember his way back home, but former special counsel Robert Mueller couldn’t get out of town fast enough after his testimony on Capitol Hill today. “I’m just happy to get this place in my purview mirror,” he said. Mr. Mueller bumbled and stumbled his way through questions about his findings into whether President Trump won the election in 2016 fair and square. “I can’t say if he did or he didn’t, but I seem to recall that I don’t remember.” Come again? Asked to describe how…

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New Un-American Airline To Fly America-Hating Dems To Foreign Countries

NEW YORK – President Trump is helping to fund and launch a new carrier that will predominantly relocate American-hating, progressive Democrats to other countries. The new venture will be called Un-American Airlines. Representatives AOC, Ilhan Omar, Rashida Tlaib, and Ayanna Pressley have been offered free, first-class seats on the inaugural flight later this year. Un-American Airlines will cater to those on the radical Left of today’s Democratic Party. All flights will be piloted by illegal aliens. In addition, the entire fleet of aircraft will use racism as fuel because, while…

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2020 Dems Appoint Debbie Downer As Official Campaign Mascot

MIAMI – Following the Democratic Freak Show, uh, debate, last week, the DNC has appointed Debbie Downer to be the official face of their 2020 campaign. In fact, the negativity spewed by the debate participants makes Downer sound like Tony Robbins. Yes, despite a historically low unemployment rate, a strong economy, millions of jobs created, foreign leaders taking President Trump seriously, and achieving energy independence, America really sucks. That’s the Democrats’ story and they’re sticking to it. Debbie Downer was honored by the chance to be the image of Democrats…

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Mayor Pete: I Will Wipe Out College Student Beer Debt If Elected

FLORIDA – Trying to keep up with all the ways 2020 Democratic hopefuls are promising to wipe out all uncomfortable facets of modern life, Mayor Pete Buttigieg has joined the chorus. Pete wants to pass reparations for all the money college students spent on beer and alcohol during their university days. “Look, Bernie wants to wipe out financial distress with college loan forgiveness. Kamala Harris and Squaw Warren want to wipe out racism by making reparations for slavery and the hard times the white man gave the red man. Hell,…

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Kamala Harris Promises Cure For Resting Bitch Face If Elected

bitch

CALIFORNIA – Joe Biden promises to cure cancer. Elizabeth Warren promises to cure the scourge of her American Indian people, smallpox. Bernie Sanders vows to cure capitalism. Beto wants to cure male whiteness. Kamala Harris needed a hook. Now, she has one. “If elected, within my first term, we will rid the country of resting bitch face (RBF),” Harris matter-of-factly told a rally crowd this weekend. “I myself have suffered from that debilitating ailment all of my adult life. So I know first hand that it’s extremely difficult to fake…

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Iowa Dealing With Infestation Of 2020 Democratic Candidates

Iowa

AMES – Residents of this town and others in Iowa are currently being overrun by a swarm of 2020 Democratic presidential hopefuls. Worried residents have so far reported 19 sightings of the unwelcome varmints, and many are praying the pests move on soon before they destroy everything. Willy Turnbull, who lives in Cedar Rapids, expressed his concern. “They’re freakin’ everywhere! I saw several here yesterday. I know Democrats have that ‘hive mind’ mentality, but my skin crawls when I think about how many are concentrated in this one state at…

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DNC Vows To Cap Number Of 2020 Candidates At 50

candidates

WASHINGTON – Saying they realize they haven’t quite checked off every identity political box that the Left has created with their candidates so far, the Democratic National Committee (DNC) has announced that they will cap the number of possible presidential candidates at 50. “Sadly, we can’t let everybody and their mother compete for a chance to beat President Trump,” DNC head Tom Perez acknowledged. “In fact, Kirsten Gillebrand asked us if she could enter her mom in the race to unseat Trump when she filed her paperwork. We had to…

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