Biden ‘No Malarkey’ Tour Aims To Abolish Malarkey Wherever It’s Found

IOWA – Democratic presidential candidate Joe Biden is on a mission. He wants to eradicate malarkey wherever it rears its ugly head. His ‘No Malarkey’ tour is beginning here because Iowa has seen a frightening surge in malarkey this year. “In 2019, there’s no reason America should still be fighting malarkey,” Biden told a campaign event audience. “And just because millennial whippersnappers don’t know what the hell it means, doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist.” Biden is promising to ramp up his gaffe machine during the week-long tour. According to his…

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Democrat Eric Shartswell Crop Dusts MSNBC Studio Mid-Interview

Eric

NEW YORK – Oopsy Poopsy! Right in the middle of an interview on MSNBC, Democratic representative Eric “Shartswell” Swalwell accidentally crop dusted the entire studio. Anchor Chris Matthews was one of the alleged victims of the incident. “While congressman Shartswell was answering, I heard this loud fart sound and then, while Eric continued speaking, I felt this breeze running up my leg!” Matthews recalled. Mr. Shartswell is denying that he was the one responsible for the trouser cough, even though his college yearbook says the future politician was voted “Most…

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Adam Schiff Adds Skullduggery, Chicanery To List Of Trump Impeachable Offenses

Adam

WASHINGTON – On the eve of his one-man impeachment show, Democrat Adam Schiff has added several new charges to his list of what could constitute impeachable offenses committed by President Trump. In addition to collusion, extortion, conspiracy, and bribery, Schiff has added “skullduggery” and “chicanery” as behaviors that he hopes will bring down the president. Asked if he truly believed the new charges rose to the level of being impeachable, he answered, “Impeachable offenses are what I dream up and say they are.” Schiff, who prides himself on being a…

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SNL Elizabeth Warren Now Leading Real Life Elizabeth Warren In Polls

Elizabeth

NEW YORK – Though she’s actually an actress, the Saturday Night Live version of Elizabeth Warren is now out-polling the real deal. SNL star Kate McKinnon appears to be a more relatable persona than the multi-ethnic senator from Massachusetts. In fact, the SNL version has reduced the former Indian squaw’s position in national polls for the 2020 Democratic nomination so much that the real Warren has slipped to 4th or 5th place in many polls. Here are the latest Zogby, Gallup, and Real Clear Politics averaged results, as of 11/5/2019:…

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Dems Blast Trump For Killing Rather Than Impeaching Terrorist Al-Baghdadi

WASHINGTON – Impeachment fever remains high with Democrats. Even as President Trump told the world that ISIS founder Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi had his ticket to Hell punched by American forces, Democrats were unimpressed. “He didn’t need to kill the guy,” Nancy Pelosi stated. “Al-Baghdadi would have suffered a fate even worse than death if he had been impeached. You know, we could have censured him in the House or something, but killing him seems so harsh.” The Impeachment King himself, Adam Schiff, added, “Baghdadi was just trying to find his…

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Scientists Isolate Impeachment Gene In Democrats For First Time

gene

AUSTIN – Geneticists working at the University of Texas have finally located the impeachment gene that is carried by all Democrats. The breakthrough findings may one day help lead to a cure for what makes impeachment-obsessed Democrats so bat-shit crazy. Dr. Greg Zinter, a researcher at UT’s BioScience Dpt., explained the significance of the new discovery. “We’ve wondered what causes Democrats to throw logic, common sense, and facts out the window when they get the urge to impeach. Now, we have a better idea. It’s not that they’re necessarily brain…

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Democrats Reveal How Trump Whistleblower Complaint Originated

whistleblower

WASHINGTON – Everyone wants to know how details of a conversation between President Trump and a foreign leader were leaked through a whistleblower. The New York Times is now reporting that the information was given to Democrats through a complex chain of hearsay that went like this: The Times also said the above method mirrors the papers’ own procedure for making up stories and then citing “anonymous” sources. Democrat Nancy Pelosi would only tell reporters they were tipped off to the whistleblower complaint by a brave girl named Simone. And…

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NYT Flirts With Writing Factual Story, Won’t Commit Just Yet

NYT

NEW YORK – The New York Times, long known as “the newspaper of record (players)” in this country, is toying with the idea of using facts in their articles. The bold move is under review by upper management at press time. “Staff has been confused about this possible new approach, so we’ve brought in so-called journalistic experts to try to explain what changes this would entail,” a Times spokesman said. “I don’t know if it’ll take or not. It’s pretty drastic.” The paper has received significant backlash over its recent…

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Corn Pop And The Sugar Cereal Gang No Match For Badass Biden

DELAWARE – Joe Biden has lived quite a life in his own head. And he’s willing to share it with anyone who’s willing to listen. Finally, video has emerged that introduces America to the exploits of Badass Biden the Lifeguard and his nemesis Corn Pop and the Sugar Cereal Gang. As he tells it, Biden went all Baywatch in the early 1960’s at a community pool where he was a lifeguard. A player named Corn Pop wouldn’t obey when Joe ordered him to step off (the diving board). Words were…

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Beto: Gun Show Attendees Kindly Offered To Shove AR-15’s Up My Butt

AR-15

MERICA – 2020 lost cause Beto O’Rourke said in the latest Democratic debate that he was coming for your guns. In the 1 in 10,000,000,000 chance he were ever to become president of the United States, he would push for gun confiscation. When asked if he would institute a gun buyback program, the hapless candidate emphatically responded, “Hell yes, we’re going to take your AR-15, your AK-47.” To strengthen his position, O’Rourke said he attended a gun show recently in which people at the event told him they would gladly…

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