Dems Split On How They Should Embarrass Selves In Impeachment Trial

WASHINGTON – The impeachment trial of President Trump started today in the Senate. However, even at this late date, there is deep division within the Democratic Party over how to best embarrass themselves and the party during the course of the trial. Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer explained that members had several options in their arsenal. “Well, first, I want to congratulate Speaker Pelosi for doing a masterful job of embarrassing Democrats in the House, and even making this opportunity possible. “Secondly, I hope we can make her proud here…

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House Pallbearers Carry Impeachment Articles To Senate In Pretend Casket

Senate

WASHINGTON – It was somber and prayerful. Stone-faced Democrat House impeachment managers served as pallbearers today as they carried Speaker Nancy Pelosi’s two articles of impeachment to their final resting place in the Senate chamber. The procession consisted of six Democrats, with an additional manager following behind in case Jerry Nadler was unable to complete the journey. The Democrats pretended they were transporting the articles in an invisible casket that only they could see. Asked if he was worried whether pretending to have an imaginary casket might look weird to…

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Mayor Pete’s Soleimani TMI: Taking Out Bad Guys Not Always Good Idea

CAMPAIGN TRAIL – 2020 Democrat hopeful, Mayor Pete Buttigieg, made headlines in the wake of the US killing of Iran’s Qasem Soleimani. The inexperienced mayor said that “taking out a bad guy is not always a good idea.” Pete told a campaign crowd, “As a gay man, I’ve taken out lots of bad guys. We all get trapped by the allure of the ‘bad boy,’ am I right? But, trust me, things rarely turn out as magical with them as it does in our minds. “I’ve been there. You wake…

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Pelosi Still Holding Impeachment Articles Hostage, SWAT Team Called In

WASHINGTON – The Capitol SWAT team has been deployed outside House Speaker Nancy Pelosi’s DC apartment as she continued to hold articles of impeachment hostage for a second week. The show of force is in response to Pelosi’s unwillingness to release two articles of impeachment against the president. So far, Pelosi’s demands have been all over the map. She has demanded the Senate play by her rules, that the Senate trial be rigged in her favor ahead of time, and a fueled up plane waiting on the tarmac. A SWAT…

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Nancy Pelosi Unveils ‘Impeachment Chic’ Fashion Line For Dems

fashion

WASHINGTON – High Priestess of The Swamp, Speaker Nancy Pelosi, attended her own funeral this week. But she did make one last fashion statement. She unveiled her new ‘Impeachment Chic’ fashion line for her fellow Democrats. Pelosi showed up for the impeachment vote of President Trump wearing a black number that seemed appropriate for the event. One that marked the beginning of the end of her political career. She explained her fashion choice to Fox News’s Martha McCallum. “Martha, I want to make clear, my new line of fashion-forward impeachment…

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Biden ‘No Malarkey’ Tour Aims To Abolish Malarkey Wherever It’s Found

IOWA – Democratic presidential candidate Joe Biden is on a mission. He wants to eradicate malarkey wherever it rears its ugly head. His ‘No Malarkey’ tour is beginning here because Iowa has seen a frightening surge in malarkey this year. “In 2019, there’s no reason America should still be fighting malarkey,” Biden told a campaign event audience. “And just because millennial whippersnappers don’t know what the hell it means, doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist.” Biden is promising to ramp up his gaffe machine during the week-long tour. According to his…

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Democrat Eric Shartswell Crop Dusts MSNBC Studio Mid-Interview

Eric

NEW YORK – Oopsy Poopsy! Right in the middle of an interview on MSNBC, Democratic representative Eric “Shartswell” Swalwell accidentally crop dusted the entire studio. Anchor Chris Matthews was one of the alleged victims of the incident. “While congressman Shartswell was answering, I heard this loud fart sound and then, while Eric continued speaking, I felt this breeze running up my leg!” Matthews recalled. Mr. Shartswell is denying that he was the one responsible for the trouser cough, even though his college yearbook says the future politician was voted “Most…

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Adam Schiff Adds Skullduggery, Chicanery To List Of Trump Impeachable Offenses

Adam

WASHINGTON – On the eve of his one-man impeachment show, Democrat Adam Schiff has added several new charges to his list of what could constitute impeachable offenses committed by President Trump. In addition to collusion, extortion, conspiracy, and bribery, Schiff has added “skullduggery” and “chicanery” as behaviors that he hopes will bring down the president. Asked if he truly believed the new charges rose to the level of being impeachable, he answered, “Impeachable offenses are what I dream up and say they are.” Schiff, who prides himself on being a…

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SNL Elizabeth Warren Now Leading Real Life Elizabeth Warren In Polls

Elizabeth

NEW YORK – Though she’s actually an actress, the Saturday Night Live version of Elizabeth Warren is now out-polling the real deal. SNL star Kate McKinnon appears to be a more relatable persona than the multi-ethnic senator from Massachusetts. In fact, the SNL version has reduced the former Indian squaw’s position in national polls for the 2020 Democratic nomination so much that the real Warren has slipped to 4th or 5th place in many polls. Here are the latest Zogby, Gallup, and Real Clear Politics averaged results, as of 11/5/2019:…

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Dems Blast Trump For Killing Rather Than Impeaching Terrorist Al-Baghdadi

WASHINGTON – Impeachment fever remains high with Democrats. Even as President Trump told the world that ISIS founder Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi had his ticket to Hell punched by American forces, Democrats were unimpressed. “He didn’t need to kill the guy,” Nancy Pelosi stated. “Al-Baghdadi would have suffered a fate even worse than death if he had been impeached. You know, we could have censured him in the House or something, but killing him seems so harsh.” The Impeachment King himself, Adam Schiff, added, “Baghdadi was just trying to find his…

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