Judge Kills Obamacare, Dems Given Board Game As Consolation Prize

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TEXAS – A federal judge here essentially killed Obamacare in a ruling last week. Sure, there will be appeals for years to come. But what’s a Democrat to do in the meantime? Fortunately, the judge reminded them they will always have the Obamacare board game as a consolation prize. The judge recommended that Democratic leaders work on coming up with a plan that isn’t unconstitutional and forced down the throats of Americans. Then he thanked them for playing. The board game Democrats are left with is sure to be a…

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Ocasio-Cortez Considering Changing Last Name To Pelosi

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WASHINGTON – Alexandria Pelosi? Maybe. But is this town big enough for two Pelosi’s? Incoming Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi has long cemented her spot as the biggest idiot in Congress. Now, a new challenger has appeared. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, the ditzy darling of the Socialist-Democrat party, is desperately trying to out Pelosi Pelosi. “I say, like, 10 more moronic things a day than Nancy does. I’m even thinking of changing my last name to Pelosi.” “It’s kind of a way to honor her stupidity, but also a way to…

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Nation Sarcastically Thanks Florida For Recount: ‘Yeah, That Was Fun’

Ready to get on with their lives, American voters sarcastically thanked Florida’s election officials for dragging the country through a recount for the senate and governor races. A weary nation sarcastically acknowledged Florida’s Democratic officials for their incompetence in the midterm election. “Yeah that was fun, Florida. Thanks. Can we stop playing around and get back to reality now?” GOP voters across the nation did not appreciate the ridiculous waste of time the recount was, all in a failed attempt by election officials in a few counties to steal the…

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Midterms: Registered Democrats to Receive Torches, Pitchforks After Voting

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WASHINGTON – Forget those “I Voted” stickers that voters are usually offered after casting their ballot. They’re so 2016. This November, voting Democrats will each receive torches and pitchforks as they exit polling places. The Democratic National Committee announced Sunday that the giveaway will help Democrats be ready to join their local rage mob if midterm election results do not go their way. However, DNC chairman Tom Perez stressed that voters will have to provide their own fire starter and/or kerosene. “We can’t afford to supply everything,” Perez noted. “In…

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Dems Question Kavanaugh ‘Let It Be Lowenbrau’ Yearbook Comment

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WASHINGTON – Senate Democrats are still demanding explanations for some cryptic entries contained in Judge Brett Kavanaugh’s high school calendars and yearbooks. Despite a looming vote on his confirmation to the Supreme Court, certain Democrats say questions about Kavanaugh’s past continue to raise red flags for them. Senator Cory Booker wondered, “In May of 1982, the judge wrote ‘Tonight, let it be Lowenbrau.’ Who or what is Lowenbrau? A classmate? A secret party place? He needs to answer this. Is it related to the ‘Devil’s Triangle,’ or a type of…

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Democrats Now Claim Farm Animals Assaulted By Brett Kavanaugh

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CESSPOOL OF WASH. DC – In their bid to claim Judge Brett Kavanaugh sexually assaulted nearly every living creature as a younger man, Democrats are just getting started. They next plan to out several farm animals they claim Kavanaugh tried to have sex with back in the day. Senator Chuck Schumer is demanding today that the FBI (Farm Bureau of Investigations) conduct a thorough check into these new assault charges. The new allegations center around Goat Boy and several unnamed chicks. The chicks all say they wish to remain anonymous.…

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Proof Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez Is REALLY All About Free Stuff

BRONX – In a wide-ranging Q & A session following a recent fundraiser for the Socialist Democratic Party, bartender slash economic guru Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez told an audience just how much she loves free stuff. Call it her Bill Clinton “boxers vs. briefs” moment. Below are some of the questions asked by event attendees, followed by her response in commie red: What’s you favorite word? Freebie. What’s your favorite Tom Petty song? Free Fallin.’ How would you describe your supporters? Free loaders. One more on music. What’s your favorite rock anthem?…

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Democrats’ 2018 Slogan: ‘For the Sheeple,’ ‘For the Illegals’ Almost Win

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WASHINGTON – “For the People” is the new campaign slogan chosen for Democrats during the 2018 midterm election season. But the slogan didn’t win by much. Several other suggestions were wanted by party higher-ups, who felt other taglines better portrayed the vibe of Democrats these days. “We really wanted either ‘For the Sheeple,’ or ‘For the Illegals,’ Party Chairman Tom Perez said. “Most of our supporters are sheeple, so that was a no-brainer. I thought that was a slam dunk. But my co-chair Keith Ellison, and leaders Schumer and Pelosi,…

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George Will Exits Republican Party, Registers As Asshole

WASHINGTON – Former establishment Republican wordsmith George Will has officially left the GOP. The poor man’s William F. Buckley, Will recently changed his party affiliation from “Republican” to “Asshole.” Progressives are hailing Will’s move to the dark side, but they don’t understand that Never Trumpers like Will, Bill Kristol, Anna Navarro, and others who pose as conservatives on network news shows, have not been considered Republicans for quite some time now. In fact, if these people revealed their true beliefs, they know they would lose their sweet gigs as so-called…

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Democrats Enter Insanity Plea in Lawsuit Against Trump, Russia, Wikileaks

WASHINGTON – In a political head-scratcher this week, the Democratic Party filed a lawsuit against President Trump’s 2016 campaign, the country of Russia, and Wikileaks. The suit accuses the three entities of colluding to make Hillary Clinton suck so bad that she lost the election. Shortly after filing the lawsuit, spearheaded by DNC chair Tom Perez, the party entered a plea of insanity for itself. Typically, a defendant would be the one entering an insanity plea in a case, but this is the Democratic Party of 2018. Perez said in…

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