Joe Biden Signs Exec Order Barring Ghosts From Owning Guns

WASHINGTON – President Joe Biden today signed an executive order effectively banning any ghost from owning a gun. During his speech, he said there is an epidemic of gun violence, and laid the blame at the feet of the paranormal. “We can all agree that ghosts are scary,” the president announced. “And we can all agree that guns are scary. But the only thing scarier is a ghost with a gun. So today, I am signing an EO that will target the sales of ghost guns. My action will make…

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Democrats Slam Voter Integrity Laws Because Of The Integrity Part

GEORGIA – Democrats in Hollywood and on Capitol Hill are blasting the recently passed Voter Integrity Law as racist. The new law is designed to combat voter fraud and require ID’s to legally vote. Leftists hate that. Professional bimbo Chelsea Handler cried out, “Those right-wing bastards just want to bar minorities from voting! I swear I’ll never have sex again on Georgia soil! Aaaahhhhhhh!” Democrat Senator Chuck Schumer expressed his displeasure with the law this way: “I first had to look up what ‘integrity’ means. It says ‘adhering to a…

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Biden Puts Kamala Harris In Charge Of Screwing Up Border Crisis Even More

border crisis

WASHINGTON – VP Kamala Harris has been given her first major assignment in what will be a long list of future failures. Joe Biden today tapped Harris to be in charge of further screwing up his ongoing border/immigration crisis. “If anybody can make a bigger cluster out of our current border situation, it’s Kamala,” Biden told reporters. “I’ve already laid the ground work for totally screwing the pooch on our immigration problem, and nobody knows more about things getting laid than she does. I have full confidence in her ability…

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Biden Admin Insists Kids At Border Being Kept In ‘Tiny Cells’ Not ‘Cages’

cages

LAREDO – Administration officials took issue today with Republican lawmakers over the way they are handling the Biden border crisis. They insist that unaccompanied children are not being held in cages. “We are currently housing these undocumented children in ‘tiny cells,’ not ‘cages,’” Biden spokeshuman Jen Psaki told reporters. “The term cages is disingenuous, and should only be used to falsely accuse a Republican president with being barbaric and uncaring. We prefer the term tiny cells.” “Look, people love those tiny homes. You know, the ones they show on HGTV?…

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Biden: Texans Can Achieve Unity By Huddling Together For Warmth

WASHINGTON – President Joe Biden always says he’s going to bring America together. The so-called Great Healing. He has no ideas on how to make that a reality, but that never matters. But as millions of Texans shiver through another frigid day without power and water, Biden sees an angle. He says that Texans being forced to huddle together just to keep warm is promoting unity. “When you’re freezing your balls off, you don’t care if the people next to you, keeping you warm, are Republicans or Democrats,” Joe told…

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ACQUITTED! 7 GOP Senators Given ‘Insurrection: Traitor Edition’ Board Game Instead

insurrection

WASHINGTON – President Trump has been acquitted of inciting the Jan. 6 riots on Capitol Hill. The sham impeachment trial is over. The waste of Americans’ time is over. But some politicians won’t be going home empty-handed. Seven Republican senators voted to convict Trump, along with every Democrat. At least these ‘Sappy 7’ GOP turncoats will be taking home the ‘Trump Insurrection: Traitor Edition‘ board game as a consolation prize. Senator Chuck Schumer said after the acquittal, “We want to thank these seven senators for playing. Obviously, we’re disappointed that…

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Dems Defend Impeachment Sham Under New Banana Republic

WASHINGTON – Under their new banana republic, Democrats have thrown the Constitution in the trash. At the moment, the party is conducting a Salem Witch type of trial to punish Donald Trump. Dems claim Trump cast a spell over supporters and then directed them to storm the Capitol on Jan. 6. The accusations are a joke, and the charges being made against the former president are a bigger stretch than Nancy Pelosi’s skin. Here’s a look at some of the idiocy Democrats have put forward in this charade: Congressman Cornelius…

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After Excessive ‘Circling Back,’ Jen Psaki Diagnosed With Severe Vertigo

circling back

WASHINGTON – Biden spokesperson Jen Psaki has been diagnosed with severe vertigo after ‘circling back’ too many times. The lopsided redhead has started medication to help with the condition. “Jen has ‘circled back’ so many times, it was inevitable that she would develop vertigo,” a White House doctor told reporters. “She presented saying she felt like her head was spinning. I told her she had to cut way down on ‘circling back’ or this was bound to happen.” Psaki partly blamed her unbalanced hairstyle, which causes her head to tilt…

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Biden Signs Exec Order Refilling DC Swamp To Pre-Trump Levels

DC Swamp

WASHINGTON – Joe Biden signed his most important (to the Democrat Party) executive order in his first week in office. The Only Good DC Swamp Is A Full DC Swamp order was signed Friday in the Oval Office. Members of the administration, fellow Democrats, and the mainstream media all cheered the signing. During the Trump administration, the president drained the Swamp about 39%. But that left the majority of the swamp to remain an ongoing breeding ground for anti-American corruption. And now that Democrats have total power, many creatures banished…

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Antifa Rioter With ‘AOC Eyes’ Arrested After Posing As MAGA Supporter

AOC eyes

UTAH – A Antifa/BLM thug was arrested this week for his part in the Capitol riots last week. John Sullivan, faces federal charges for being such a dick. The young anarchist posed as a journalist and MAGA supporter as he incited violence among the crowd. Sullivan popped up on a FBI watch list due to his ‘AOC eyes.’ The name is given for the look of “wide-eyed crazy” made popular by Congresshuman Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez. A doctor from the Mayo Clinic described AOC eyes like this. “AOC eyes is a condition…

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