Chicago’s Mayor LightSocket Admits 21 Shot, 6 Dead Was Slow Weekend

CHI-TOWN – It was a slightly slower than normal weekend of death and bloodshed in Chicago this weekend. Only 21 people were shot in the Democrat-led city, resulting in 6 deaths. Mayor Lori LightSocket (named so because of her hair, although her maiden name is Lightfoot) has reason for concern. “I was surprised by the numbers, frankly,” Mayor LightSocket said. “Maybe some folks were doing a little back-to-school looting over the weekend. Or maybe more people hit the lakes this weekend. For whatever reason, I think people were busy doing…

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Democrat Jerry Nadler Explains The Myths Of The Sun, Riots

myths

WASHINGTON – Democrat Jerry Nadler made headlines this week by insisting the Portland Riots, now in their third month, are myths. As are any other riots in any other Democratic-run cities. But those aren’t the only myths Nadler claims are out there. A man told Jerry that tons of video proof exists of the violence by socialist-democrat-anarchists in Portland and other cities. “Those are myths,” Nadler shot back. “Just like the sun is a myth.” The man countered, saying, “The sun is right over that direction. You can see it…

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Democrat Jerry Nadler Hoping To Avoid Catching Virus Through Forehead

Jerry Nadler

WASHINGTON – Saying “I believe it’s common knowledge,” Democrat congressman Jerry Nadler asserted that everyone knows the coronavirus enters the human body through the forehead. For this reason, the politician has raised his mask position to mirror the higher-than-normal position of his belt. Nadler was photographed today in the House chamber, where he showed how he protects his forehead with his mask. “This is the best way to stay safe during this pandemic,” Jerry told reporters. “You’ve got to block the forehead. Why do you think they scan your forehead…

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Biden Camp Offer Max Headroom As Stand In For Joe During Debates

Max Headroom

DELAWARE – Aides to Joe Biden’s 2020 campaign are doing whatever they can to avoid his having to debate President Trump in person. Now, they’re offering up 80’s pop culture personality Max Headroom as an alternative. The suggestion comes after the Trump campaign declined televising all debates from Biden’s basement. Greg Schultz, his campaign manager, explained why Headroom might be a suitable “debate double” for Biden. “First, they look exactly alike,” Schultz said. “I believe many of our younger Democrats wouldn’t be able to tell the difference. Also, Max is…

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Joe Biden: I’ll Put My Cognitive Decline Up Against Anybody’s Cognitive Decline

HIS BASEMENT – Joe Biden’s mental health has been in question throughout his campaign for president. But he’s been able to dodge addressing it until this week. A reporter finally asked him if his elevator still goes to the top floor. And if it does, why is it the slowest elevator in the city? Biden responded by saying he would put his cognitive decline up against anybody’s cognitive decline. “My cognitive ability is being tested constantly,” he insisted. “In fact, I’m being tested at this very moment. While I’m answering…

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Biden Touts Latest CNN Poll Showing Him Leading Trump By 120 Million Percent

120 million

PENNSYLVANIA – Democrat presidential hopeful Joe Biden feels good about his chances to win the White House this fall. The Grand Wizard of the Democratic party poked his head out of his basement, saw his shadow, and predicted six more months of gaffes and/or incomplete thoughts or sentences. However, during his brief appearance outside, Biden touted the latest CNN poll, which shows him with a commanding 120 million percent lead over President Trump. “Have you folks seen this? CNN has crunched the numbers and tell me that I lead in…

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Trans Character ‘Aunt Jeremiah’ To Replace Aunt Jemima Likeness, Appease Rage Mob

PHILADELPHIA – The suits at Pepsico/Quaker Foods have cowered to the rage mob of the American Left. The company makes Aunt Jemima products, and has decided to bow to pressure from Black Lives Matter (BLM) and other extremists by replacing the iconic mascot. The likeness of a former slave has been used on the product line for over a century. “We’ve decided to go with ‘Aunt Jeremiah’ as our new mascot for the product line,” a company spokesman said. “Jeremiah is a character who has completed their transition from uncle…

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Statues Have Had It With Leftist Thugs, Statuephobic Anarchists

AMERICA – Statues are under attack around the world from the intolerant Left. However, as more and more of their inanimate friends get torn down, or defaced with paint, statues are starting to stand up for themselves. Statues, even some that have stood in peace for hundreds of years, are being assaulted by psychotic thugs who have developed statuephobia. According to the Journal of Abnormal Psychology, the disorder is “an irrational fear of historical figures that can’t fight back.” It falls under the umbrella of conditions caused by the mental…

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Minneapolis Leaders Introduce ‘What Can Possibly Go Wrong?’ Bill To Eliminate Police

MINNESOTA – Calling it the ‘What Can Possibly Go Wrong?’ crime bill, Minneapolis council members have introduced a proposal that would eliminate their city’s police force. The title of the bill was chosen over ‘Throw the Baby Out With the Bathwater’ in the bill’s final draft. The city is considering various options for the replacement of a police force. Some members of the council are advocating for roaming thugs to police neighborhoods. Others are suggesting having a diverse force that would look something like the cast of characters from Police…

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NYC Mayor Hints Giving Gift Cards To Rioters Would Stop Them From Looting

gift cards

NEW YORK CITY – Bill de Blasio is New York City’s mayor. Yes, he’s a real piece of work. He consistently sets the standard for being weak, incompetent, lazy, and an appeaser. So, it’s no surprise that he doesn’t fault the criminals who’ve been looting his city for a week now. “Appeasing the wrong side is my trademark, ” de Blasio said Monday. “That’s why, instead of letting the NYPD do their job and put an end to the destruction these angry protesters have wrought on my town, I’ve got…

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