Biden Addresses Riots After Just Hearing About Them From CNN’s Don Lemon

riots

DELAWARE – THIS…is CNN. The network broke news to Democrats last night of the riots, looting, and violence taking place across the country. The anti-police violence in Portland, Seattle, Austin, Chicago, and other cities has been happening for three months already. Now, add Kenosha, Wisconsin. CNN’s Don Lemon broke the news to Democrat Joe Biden. “Our focus groups tell us that a majority of Americans can see with their own eyes what we choose to ignore. Apparently, nightly riots that have resulted in bloodshed, death, and the burning down of…

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Birther Theories Solved: CNN Confirms Kamala Harris Was Birthed

NEW YORK – The controversy over whether Kamala Harris is eligible to be Joe Biden’s running mate appears to be solved. Due to her mixed heritage, birther theories have exploded on social media. Now, CNN has weighed in on the controversy and, like Kamala, is trying to but the matter to bed. The network’s Don Lemon confirmed Friday night that the crack research team at CNN has determined that Kamala Harris was indeed birthed. “There should be no doubt now that these baseless birther theories are pure conjecture,” Lemon told…

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NASCAR Driver Bubba Wallace Insists Snow Cone Cups In Lounge Are KKK Hoods

Bubba

TALLADEGA – The controversy of the “noose” in the garage of NASCAR driver Bubba Wallace continues. Even as 15 FBI agents came to the conclusion that the alleged noose was simply a garage door pull, Wallace insists he is the target of a crime. Bubba appeared on Don Lemon’s show on CNN last night and, since nobody watched it, here is a summary of Wallace’s version of recent events. Lemon: This is unacceptable in our country. Do we know yet if President Trump personally placed the rope in your team’s…

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Reacting To Latest CNN Ratings, Talking Heads Laugh Until They Cry

NEW YORK CITY – During a segment on Don Lemon’s show last night, the host and two guests were responding to the latest ratings disaster for CNN programming. The numbers were so dismal that all the three talking heads could do was laugh until they cried. “I can’t believe we’re still a network!” Don Lemon said between laughs. “Thank God for airports or we wouldn’t have jobs!” His two guests broke out in laughter. Guest Rick Wilson, a Never Trumper, at one point tried to talk about Trump supporters in…

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Poll: Democrats Rate Chants As Biggest Threat To Mankind

chants

NORTH CAROLINA – Following President Trump’s latest rally here, new polling of Democratic voters suggests that ‘chants’ are now the number one threat against every living creature on the planet. Chants of “Send her back!” by the rally crowd sent Socialist Democrats into all-out panic mode. The chant was referring to anti-American congresswoman Ilhan Omar’s past remarks, but the Party and media decided it was based instead on racial bias. According to a Gallup flash poll taken after the rally, ‘chants’ have surpassed climate chaos as the main issue that…

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CNN: Mueller Report Racist Because Redactions Made In Black

redactions

NEW YORK – Members of CNN’s news team were outraged today when the long-awaited Mueller Report was released, but with some redactions being colored black. Anchor Don Lemon and contributor Van Jones were the most triggered by the incident. “This is preposterous!” Van Jones firmly stated. “Attorney General Barr could have made redactions in any color. They DO have color printers at the Department of Justice, I’m sure. This was intentional. What we’re seeing in this report are ‘re-Black-tions,’ and it’s a slap in the face to all people of…

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Leftists Outraged Over Mob Label, Prefer Calling Activists Flash Mobs

ATLANTA – Media types, especially those at CNN, can’t bear to hear of Antifa-types being labeled as ‘mobs.’ Besides, just because a group of hateful people walks like a mob, and talks like a mob, doesn’t mean it’s a mob. Right? “I don’t like the ‘M’ word. I prefer to refer to them as flash mobs,” CNN’s Brooke Baldwin admitted. “They’re just a bunch of people who spontaneously decide to harass, attack, and fight Trump supporters. A true mob would be made up of a bunch of angry people suddenly…

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CNN Changing Name to ‘CNN Satire’ to Match Fake News Reputation

CNN

ATLANTA – Thanks to fake news pioneers Chris Cuomo, Brian Stelter, Don Lemon, Jake Tapper and others, CNN has decided to update it’s name to CNN SATIRE. The network believes the name change will better reflect the content of the product they’re pushing to the public these days. Network president Jeffrey Zucker said, “We here at CNN hate the term ‘fake news,’ especially when it is applied to us. So we feel that this way we can continue to crank out questionable material, combined with occasional facts, and when called…

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