Beto: Gun Show Attendees Kindly Offered To Shove AR-15’s Up My Butt

AR-15

MERICA – 2020 lost cause Beto O’Rourke said in the latest Democratic debate that he was coming for your guns. In the 1 in 10,000,000,000 chance he were ever to become president of the United States, he would push for gun confiscation. When asked if he would institute a gun buyback program, the hapless candidate emphatically responded, “Hell yes, we’re going to take your AR-15, your AK-47.” To strengthen his position, O’Rourke said he attended a gun show recently in which people at the event told him they would gladly…

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Biden Blames Trump, Bourne Supremacy For Recent Mass Shootings

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IOWA – Speaking to campaign crowds, former VP Joe Biden accused President Trump of being responsible for stoking Bourne supremacy with his rhetoric and inspiring two recent mass shootings in America. Many thought Biden meant “white supremacy” in his remarks, but this is Joe Biden we’re talking about. A reporter at the event questioned Obama’s vice president with this exchange: Reporter: Mr. Vice President, when you say ‘Bourne Supremacy’ do you mean to say ‘white supremacy?’ Biden: What did Jason Bourne do to everyone he didn’t like? Reporter: He killed…

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Gun Activist David Hogg: Don’t Make Me Unleash MY Guns!

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WASHINGTON – During his speech at the “Students Are Gun Experts” (SAGE) – which also means wise, knowledgeable, or profound – rally here today, high school anti-Second Amendment activist David Hogg threatened lawmakers with his own brand of justice. “And to all those f***king politicians who would rather take blood money from the f***king NRA than protect school kids by banning all guns from everybody,” Hogg shouted, “don’t make me unleash MY f***kin’ guns! Have you seen my arms?! Trust me, that’s a fight you can’t win!!” The audience went…

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Sporting Goods CEO Interview Gives CNN a Mouthful of Dick’s

Dick's

NEW YORK – The CEO of Dick’s Sporting Goods announced in an interview with CNN that his company is going limp on gun sales. Network anchor Chris Cuomo remarked after the interview, “He sure said a mouthful! I haven’t given Dick’s much thought lately, but I sure will now. He told me more about Dick’s than I ever cared to know.” Dick’s CEO Ed Stack said he thinks the store’s customer base will remain loyal despite the removal of all scary-looking guns from store shelves. “Our customers, we refer to…

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Democrats’ Knees Continue to Jerk, No Cure in Sight

WASHINGTON – Due to extreme, overused knee-jerking on issue after issue, doctors are reporting a steep increase each year in knee problems from their patients who identify as Democrats. Sadly, the ailment is NOT covered by Obamacare. Dr. Bernard Ackerman, an orthopedic specialist at MedStar Washington Hospital Center, described two very recent cases for us: “Just in the last 24 hours, we’ve seen numerous knee injuries from unnecessary knee-jerk reactions following the incident on the Ohio State University campus. In that case, a Somali refugee used his car and a…

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