Kamala Harris Quits Race: Without Likable Personality, I Saw No Path Forward

likable

CALIFORNIA – 2020 Democratic presidential hopeful Kamala Harris has quit the race. She ended her run for the White House today, saying she lacked “anything remotely resembling likability to the average American.” Harris joins an elite group of unlikable Democratic drop-outs that includes the likes of Beto, Hillary Clinton and Howard Dean. Kamala is the latest to realize that you can’t learn to be likable. You either have it or you don’t. “Apparently, not enough voters appreciated my snobby, smarter-than-thou attitude,” Kamala concluded. “People are so stupid. I guess I’ll…

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Ailing Biden Looking For Van To Fall Into To Secure Dem Nomination

WASHINGTON – Frailty seems to be an attractive trait that Democrats look for in their presidential candidates. Just like Hillary Clinton in 2016, Joe Biden is falling apart before our eyes. Still, he continues to lead in the polls for 2020. Biden sported bloody eyes during CNN’s climate fairy tale town hall this week. The Babylon Bee even reported that Biden’s head fell off during his time onstage at the event. Now, that IS embarrassing. However, he continues to lead all candidates whose heads are still attached. One Biden aide…

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Clinton Tour’s Low Ticket Sales Strategy: Enter Free, Pay To Get Out

SUGAR LAND, TX – Bill and Hillary Clinton’s “Can’t Get Rid of Us Tour” has been having serious problems selling tickets to see their dog and pony show. A planned event here this week to listen to the famous grifters make excuses for all the ways America has failed them, has been postponed. Ticket sales were in the toilet, but the pair blamed the postponement on the death and funeral of former President George H. W. Bush. “Boy, I tell you what,” Bill Clinton said, “The Grim Reaper sure pulled…

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Socialist Ocasio-Cortez Demands Free Tuition To Electoral College

tuition

NEW YORK – Democratic socialist Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez said this weekend that the Electoral College should not be exempt from the push for free tuition to all colleges and universities. “Students should have the right to attend any college they wish – tuition free – and that includes the Electoral College,” Cortez told a town hall crowd. Democrats in the audience cheered her proposal. “Of course, I don’t, like, really know how things actually work in the real world.” Hillary Clinton has called for the Electoral College to be torn down.…

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Bradley Manning’s Alter-Ego to Run for US Senate in Maryland

BALTIMORE – The boy named Chelsea/Bradley Manning, who was jailed for stealing classified government documents, before being given a get-out-of-jail-free card by Barack Obama, has filed paperwork to enter and lose the race for a U.S. senate seat in Maryland. Bradley, who pretends to live as a woman, said that if he wins the senate seat in November, he may decide to become a congressman instead. “I might decide to switch.” He plans to run as a Democrat, of course. Manning believes his experience in stealing classified information will be…

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Chelsea Clinton’s New Children’s Book: “Heather Has Two Harvey’s”

book

NEW YORK – Chelsea Clinton has been working feverishly to finish her latest children’s book, and her mother, Hillary, has already written the foreward. The book will be published by Weinstein Books, Inc. and is titled “Heather Has Two Harvey’s.” Chelsea said the book was a labor of love. “Being a Clinton and a Democrat, I place no limits on what can make up a family. So I wanted to teach young children that even if you have two sexual predators for parents, that’s OK. Unfortunately, I only had one…

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World’s Top Witches Cast Spell on Trump and His Supporters

EASTWICK, RI – Friday night at midnight, some of the world’s leading witches gathered to cast a spell against President Donald Trump AND all of his supporters. They chanted and asked the dark forces they worship to banish Trump from office, and punish his supporters. The witches were lead by Nancy Pelosi, Debbie Wasserman-Schultz, Ashley Judd, Gloria Steinem, Ruth Bader Ginsburg, and Elizabeth Warren. They asked for other witches to join them around the world in their quest to overturn the results of the last election. And to make sure…

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Clintons to Open New All-Inclusive Resorts Called ‘Scandals’

LITTLE SAINT JAMES – What do you do if your last name is Clinton and you don’t have anything to do now that the election is over? You open a chain of Caribbean, luxury resorts called “Scandals,” of course. You didn’t think they were just going to sit on all that campaign slush money from the Clinton Foundation, did you? The site of the first Scandals will be located on Clinton pedophile friend Jeffrey Epstein’s Caribbean island called Little Saint James, also known as “Orgy Island.” There, guests will be…

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Pantsuit Industry Decimated in Wake of Hillary Loss

CHICAGO – Just as factories were set to launch new designs and fill orders for pantsuits from coast to coast, Hillary Clinton’s loss in the presidential race has shattered an entire industry. Hopes to mainstream the same gaudy garb worn by Hillary have vanished overnight. South Side Textiles, based out of Hillary’s hometown of Chicago, was shell-shocked by Clinton’s upset loss. “We thought this was in the bag. That’s why we spent millions this year on new equipment and hiring additional workers. Now, we have to lay off thousands,” Nick…

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Presidential Debate Postponed As Nation Mourns Beyoncé’s Bloody Ear

LAS VEGAS – The third and final presidential debate has been postponed for one week due to the tragedy that befell Michelle Obama’s daughter’s role model, Beyoncé, over the weekend. In a horrific accident the singer suffered while performing, an earring came out, causing her ear to bleed – onstage! A big supporter of Hillary Clinton, Beyoncé “powered through” the pain to complete her performance, before seeking medical attention backstage. Her fans immediately took to Twitter to post pictures of themselves bleeding from self-inflicted wounds, in support of their queen.…

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