Celebs Urge All Americans To ‘Shelter-In-Mansion’ Like They Do

mansion

HOLLYWOOD – Celebrities are now attempting to help public officials convince more Americans to heed their warnings to stay in their homes during the current pandemic. Numerous unwashed, and without makeup, artists are torturing Americans with homemade videos of empathy. Cher and Bette Midler urged all Americans to follow the ‘shelter-in-mansion’ orders they were given in California recently. “We can beat this,” Midler said, “If every person will just retreat to their mansion and stay there until this danger passes.” “Have your personal assistants go out for food and liquor,”…

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Felicity Huffman Begins Grueling Sentence At Federal Correctional Day Spa

Felicity

SAN FRANCISCO – Few hardened criminals come out the other side of a 14-day prison sentence without massive mental and emotional scars. Sometimes, the harm done is irreparable. So is the fear many have for actress Felicity Huffman as she disappeared behind the ivy covered walls of a super-min security day spa in Dublin, California this week. Starting with a strip search to make sure the actress isn’t smuggling Scantron bubble sheets into the prison, Felicity will feel uncomfortable. And there are a number of things to watch for when…

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Entertainment Industry Announces 2018 Grabby Nominations

HOLLYWOOD – Awards seasons is starting in earnest this time of year, as entertainers get ready to gather and pat each other on the back(sides) for their work this year. Today, the industry announced nominations for the 2018 Grabby’s. This year’s awards were open to politicians for the first time as well. Harvey Weinstein will be honored with a Lifetime Achievement Award from his peers. The award will pay tribute to the decades of tireless work behind the scenes that Weinstein has spent exploiting women and abusing his position of…

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Hollywood Asks: Let’s Make This Easier, Who HASN’T Been Sexually Assaulted?

HOLLYWOOD – Overwhelmed by the daily revelations of more victims speaking out about their experiences at the hands of sexual predators in the cesspool that is Hollywood, the community is now collectively asking, “Let’s make this easier…..who hasn’t been sexually assaulted in Hollywood?” Several high-level talent scouts and producers gathered together and seem to agree that releasing the names of those who have not been the victims of sexual harassment or rape would bore the public and be better for the entertainment capitol’s public image. One music producer said, “You…

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Hollywood Relieved After Weinstein Completes Grueling One-Week Rehab

HOLLYWOOD – Actors, actresses, and former sexual assault victims of his all breathed a collective sigh of relief after hearing that disgraced movie producer and rapist Harvey Weinstein had wrapped up his sex rehab therapy in just one week. That ought to do it. Producer Jeffrey Katzenberg told Hollywood Reporter, “I’m extremely relieved that Harvey finally got the week of therapy he’s needed for so long, to teach him that women are not his playthings. Normally, his rehab program would have taken 3 months, but, you know, we edit everything…

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Harvey Weinstein Financing Sci-Fi Movie “Alien vs. Sexual Predator”

Weinstein

HOLLYWOOD – Known in Tinseltown as “the biggest elephant in the room,” movie mogul Harvey Weinstein has announced that he is personally financing his next project. The latest installment in the Alien saga, Alien vs. Sexual Predator, will also be written by Weinstein himself. “I would love to play the sexual predator role myself,” Harvey told us. “I don’t want to give everything away, but I’m envisioning a crew of really hot, female astronauts who find themselves in an unfamiliar world where they’re being hunted by a sexual predator, and…

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Democrats Demand Trump Start Paying Rent For Living In Their Heads

WASHINGTON – President Trump has been living rent-free in the heads of tens of millions of Democrats for well over a year now, and many are finally saying “enough is enough.” They now want reparations. “As the party of freeloaders, it pains me to say this,” a disturbed Senate Minority leader Chuck Schumer said on Saturday, “But if he’s going to live here 24/7, he needs to pay up.” Schumer was unsure when asked what he thought a fair price for head-space rental might be. Socialist Bernie Sanders admitted, “I…

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Study: More Efficient for Celebs to Flush Cash Than Donate to Democrats

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LOS ANGELES – A new study confirms it is more efficient for Hollywood elites to flush their political donations straight down the toilet, rather than donate to the Democratic party in an attempt to buy seats in Congress. While celebrities view their outside donations as an investment for their warped ideals, the study says there is at least some entertainment value in watching cash circle the toilet until it disappears. In contrast, there is no joy in giving millions of dollars away, only to watch your candidate go down in…

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Georgia Democrat Jerkoff Needs More Money to Lose Runoff in June

GEORGIA – It’s being called the “Jerkoff Runoff,” the race for Georgia’s 6th district, in which Democrats had high hopes that a fresh, young pajama boy could take over a seat recently vacated by a Republican. Hollywood poured millions in out-of-state money into the race, hoping to buy the seat for Jon Jerkoff, a 30 year-old pajama boy, who is supported by his girlfriend. But Hollywood’s millions failed to lift Jerkoff above the 50% threshold needed to avoid a runoff against a Republican woman in June. So, Jerkoff needs more…

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Hollywhat? Liberal Meltdowns Will Entertain Americans For Years

HOLLYWOOD – As box office sales fall, and more Americans are staying home to watch TV, Hollywood is worrying what they can do to put cheeks in the seats in theaters nationwide. They can start by telling their entertainers to stop their political preaching to the public. Buuuuuuut….that’s not going to happen. So, as more and more former moviegoers make the choice to stop paying the super-rich, misguided crybabies their hard-earned money, a new star has emerged to entertain the rest of us. Enter the anti-Trump liberal meltdowns. In the…

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