Nancy Pelosi Offers Human Sacrifices To Appease Impeachment Gods

WASHINGTON – House Speaker Nancy Pelosi said today she has been praying for President Trump. Yesterday, the president walked out of a scheduled meeting on infrastructure with Pelosi and Senator Chuck Schumer after Nan accused him of covering up……….something. To appear more pious than everyone else, she told reporters that she’s praying for the president’s mental well being and revealed her conversation with the deities she worships. “I prayed to Saint Bill, the patron saint of Impeachments, to help us carry out our desires to destroy Donald Trump. I even…

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Maxine Waters Impeaches Nanny, Hairstylist, Gardener All In Same Week

CALIFORNIA – Congresswoman Maxine Waters (Deranged-CA) has a one track mind that only leads to impeachment. She’s consumed by it. So much so that just in the last week, she’s impeached her own nanny, hairstylist, and gardener. The workers were caught off guard by the move. “She just walks around muttering ‘Impeach 45,’ ‘Must impeach!’ or ‘I’ll impeach all you bastards!’ whenever she’s here at the house,” the nanny said, speaking in broken English. “Last weekend, she had insomnia. I heard her counting impeachments to try to fall asleep. I…

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Stormy Daniels Vows to Dance Under Oath Before Congress

dance

WASHINGTON – America’s sweetheartwhore, Stormy Daniels, vowed this week to dance under oath in front of Congress, in the event that President Donald Trump is impeached. Daniels says she will “testify” in front of members of the governing body the only way she knows how. “I would be happy to use the language of the interpretative dance that some call ‘stripping’ to tell what I know about the president, if it comes to that,” Stormy said. Daniels’ former lawyer Michael Avenatti has offered to hold the pole during any performance…

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Nancy Pelosi Begins Botox Strike “Until Trump is Impeached”

WASHINGTON – Going without food for long periods of time, known as a hunger strike, is a drastic way to gain attention for your cause. But House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi is adding a new wrinkle to the tactic. Pelosi, whose brain is comprised of 65% Botox, 25% water, and 10% useless information, has vowed to give up Botox treatments until President Trump is impeached. The move is a risky one since doctors have advised her that quitting the injections cold turkey could result in “huge facial fissures,” along with…

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