Impeachment: Chuck Schumer To Have Cousin, Amy, Write Democrat Closing Arguments

arguments

WASHINGTON – Senate minority leader Chuck Schumer is desperate. Despite his furious spinning, he knows his party’s opening arguments bombed on the big stage. Now, he’s hoping his cousin, comic Amy Schumer, can add some life to Democrats’ closing arguments next week. “Look, I know Adam Schiff and Jerry Nadler aren’t the most charismatic guys,” Schumer told reporters this weekend. “I, personally, along with the mainstream media, think they’re two of the finest orators to ever grace the Senate chamber. But it’s clear that the majority of senators are not…

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Adam Schiff’s Eyes Deemed Existential Threat To TV Viewers

ATLANTA – Researchers at the CDC (Centers for Disease Control and Prevention) are warning those who attempt to watch the Senate impeachment trial. Beware, your sanity could be at risk. Scientists say Congressman Adam Schiff’s eyes are an existential threat to viewers. “We want to especially warn millennials, those susceptible to hypnosis, and other young Democrats,” Dr. Roy Stanton explained. “Mr. Schiff has already spoken for many hours in the opening days of the impeachment trial. Already, reports are coming in from across the country that liberal viewers are being…

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Dems Split On How They Should Embarrass Selves In Impeachment Trial

WASHINGTON – The impeachment trial of President Trump started today in the Senate. However, even at this late date, there is deep division within the Democratic Party over how to best embarrass themselves and the party during the course of the trial. Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer explained that members had several options in their arsenal. “Well, first, I want to congratulate Speaker Pelosi for doing a masterful job of embarrassing Democrats in the House, and even making this opportunity possible. “Secondly, I hope we can make her proud here…

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Chief Justice Roberts Left Hanging After Failed High-Five Attempt

WASHINGTON – President Trump’s impeachment trial in the Senate got off to a rocky start this week. On Thursday, Chief Justice John Roberts was left hanging by Senator Chuck Grassley during a failed high-five attempt. Justice Roberts thought the gesture would lighten the mood in the Senate chamber, but the mood soon changed to horror when Senator Grassley failed to reciprocate on the high-five. “I wasn’t sure whether to go in for a bro hug or a simple handshake,” Roberts later said. “The high-five move was a last second decision.…

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Liz Warren: I Would Have Impeached Soleimani Rather Than Killing

Soleimani

CAMPAIGN TRAIL – Senator Elizabeth Warren, half-Iranian herself, slammed President Trump this weekend over his drone strike that killed Iran’s terror leader Qasem Soleimani just days ago. “Personally, I would have impeached the mother****er…and then had a beer, rather than killing him.” Warren explained that being impeached is a fate worse than death, even if one hasn’t officially been impeached. “Look, I don’t know what Nancy (Pelosi) is thinking, but Democrats consider the president impeached. Our low information voters consider him impeached. That’s all that matters.” “Can you imagine the…

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Nancy Pelosi Unveils ‘Impeachment Chic’ Fashion Line For Dems

fashion

WASHINGTON – High Priestess of The Swamp, Speaker Nancy Pelosi, attended her own funeral this week. But she did make one last fashion statement. She unveiled her new ‘Impeachment Chic’ fashion line for her fellow Democrats. Pelosi showed up for the impeachment vote of President Trump wearing a black number that seemed appropriate for the event. One that marked the beginning of the end of her political career. She explained her fashion choice to Fox News’s Martha McCallum. “Martha, I want to make clear, my new line of fashion-forward impeachment…

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Jerry Nadler-Nadler Jerry Delights Dems Of Sombertown With Impeachment

Jerry Nadler

SOMBERTOWN D.C. – The despised dictator of impeachment proceedings against President Trump, Jerry Nadler-Nadler Jerry, is trying to ruin Christmas for millions with his framing of the president. Nadler Jerry hopes to nullify the 2016 election with his tyrannical behavior toward all Republicans. The Democrats of Sombertown, however, are thrilled with his sham of an investigation targeting the president. Nancy Pelosi, representing the Democrats, explained, “Sombertown is named for the way we pretend to feel when we pretend to care about the Constitution. Somber and prayerful.” Jerry Nadler-Nadler Jerry, in…

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Impeachment Witnesses Worry Maybe They Weren’t Arrogant Enough

WASHINGTON – Now that open impeachment hearings have concluded, many of the “star” witnesses who appeared before Adam Schiff’s Quid Pro Quo Show worry that maybe they weren’t arrogant enough during their testimony. They were supposed to bring down President Trump. They failed to move the needle on public opinion in favor of impeachment, and may have done more damage to their side in the process. Each of the witnesses assured the nation that they were smarter than everyone else. That they knew better than the president when it came…

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Democrat Eric Shartswell Crop Dusts MSNBC Studio Mid-Interview

Eric

NEW YORK – Oopsy Poopsy! Right in the middle of an interview on MSNBC, Democratic representative Eric “Shartswell” Swalwell accidentally crop dusted the entire studio. Anchor Chris Matthews was one of the alleged victims of the incident. “While congressman Shartswell was answering, I heard this loud fart sound and then, while Eric continued speaking, I felt this breeze running up my leg!” Matthews recalled. Mr. Shartswell is denying that he was the one responsible for the trouser cough, even though his college yearbook says the future politician was voted “Most…

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Adam Schiff Adds Skullduggery, Chicanery To List Of Trump Impeachable Offenses

Adam

WASHINGTON – On the eve of his one-man impeachment show, Democrat Adam Schiff has added several new charges to his list of what could constitute impeachable offenses committed by President Trump. In addition to collusion, extortion, conspiracy, and bribery, Schiff has added “skullduggery” and “chicanery” as behaviors that he hopes will bring down the president. Asked if he truly believed the new charges rose to the level of being impeachable, he answered, “Impeachable offenses are what I dream up and say they are.” Schiff, who prides himself on being a…

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