James Comey’s Ability to Lie Impresses Even Hillary Clinton


NEW YORK – Sitting at home, watching one of the many recent television interviews of disgraced former FBI director James Comey, disgraced 2-time presidential loser Hillary Clinton admitted she was impressed by his ability to lie and make excuses. “I mean, it’s just like me,” Clinton remarked. “He’s obviously guilty of numerous felonies, but he knows just when to say ‘that’s not my recollection,’ change the meaning of words, and come up with inane excuses for his crimes. What can I say? I’m a big fan!” Hillary claims to be…

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The James Comey Memos Translated


WASHINGTON – Disgraced former FBI director James Comey’s memos, regarding his interactions with President Trump, were released to Congress today, and were soon after released to the media. The following is an un-redacted translation of one of those memos: Dear Diary, I wanted to put my thoughts from my dinner with the president tonight down on paper because I want to document the drama I created – and am now caught up in – like the emotional teenage girl that I am.  I sure hope these writings don’t come back…

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Wife Orders Shrimp Instead of Steak, Leaves James Comey ‘Confused and Concerned’


WASHINGTON – Trying to enjoy a nice dinner with his wife at an upscale DC restaurant following his tense testimony to Congress, former FBI director James Comey was left “confused and concerned” after his wife threw him a curve ball while ordering. “We’ve eaten at this place many times in the past,” a flustered Comey said. “She always has a nice steak, occasionally a pasta dish, but tonight, out of nowhere, she orders the shrimp dish. I don’t know what to make of it! I’m thinking turf the whole time,…

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Bars Serving Democrats Comey Happy Hour Specials, “Nothingburgers with Russian Dressing”

WASHINGTON – Bars in the nation’s capitol will be opening at 9 am Thursday to take advantage of the local demand to watch former FBI director James Comey’s testimony to a congressional committee. Comey will be discussing details that Democrats hope will lead to President Trump being drawn and quartered in the public square. However, because there is a high likelihood that his testimony will be less than satisfactory to those with Trump Derangement Syndrome, bars are offering happy hour specials to patrons. Curtis Parker, manager of the Red Derby…

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Ticket Prices Top $3K Each for Front Row at Comey Hearing


WASHINGTON – Ticket scalpers and representatives from StubHub have revealed that the ticket price for a front row seat at the Thursday congressional hearing with former FBI director James Comey has topped the $3,000 mark. “I’m getting $1200 per for seats in the balcony!” one scalper told us. “It may turn out to be a complete dud, but this thing is selling like the Super Bowl. The place will be standing room only and, you know, there’s nothing like seeing a political hearing in person.” Ticket outlet StubHub said they’re…

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FBI Nut Job Comey Hid From Trump Behind Curtains

WASHINGTON – Disgraced former FBI director James Comey has admitted hiding behind blue curtains at an inauguration event, in an attempt to avoid a new President Trump. Comey is 6’8″ tall, but listed as 6’9″ on the FBI roster. Trying to hide when you’re that tall has its own set of problems. Comey initially tried to hide under a desk but was too long to fit under it, and he hit his head on the desk when rising to his feet moments later. “I tried hiding behind a lamp, but…

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Numerous Democrats Injured After Making Comey Support U-Turn Too Fast

WASHINGTON – Thousands of Democrats around the country have been injured when their views and selective outrage made a sudden u-turn too fast in their support for fired FBI director James Comey. They had previously despised the man for costing Hillary Clinton the presidency. Today, suddenly, James Comey is their Jesus. Many of those injured suffered whiplash injuries from changing their support for Comey so suddenly. Normally, people will slow down to make a u-turn, but Democrats didn’t bother to brake even a little before changing course. One doctor who…

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James Comey Appointed to Count Ballots After Speedy Email Count

WASHINGTON – Americans are ready for the national nightmare of Election 2016 to be over as soon as possible. So, to help facilitate quicker results for voters, FBI Director James Comey has been selected to personally count ballots as they come in from across the country tomorrow night. Comey sorted through, studied, cross-referenced, and speed-read through 650,000 Clinton emails in just 8 days. An incredible human feat, and probably a world record. As most Americans already know, our Constitution dictates that speed is far more important when it comes to…

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FBI’s Comey Regrets Hillary Clinton’s Birthday Present Arrived Late

WASHINGTON – The announcement was big, and it got all the attention he’d hoped it would get, but FBI Director James Comey’s surprise birthday present for Hillary Clinton just couldn’t get there on time. The gift unfortunately arrived two days late. “I feel bad about that,” Comey told Congress in a letter. “I had wanted to give Hillary the big news that we were reopening the investigation into her emails on the 26th, which is her big day, but you know how slow the government works. Our agents just couldn’t…

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