Nation Mourns Jeff Flake’s ‘No To 2020 Prez Run’ Decision

flake

ARIZONA – An already divided country is reeling after former senator Jeff Flake officially announced today that he will not be running for president in 2020. Flake announced his decision as it was revealed he has taken a job with CBS News. The new position will mean Jeff will add nothing of value to the network’s offerings, which will be a continuation of his career in Congress. But how does the country move forward after such a shocking development? Millions of Americans live by the creed of WWJD (What would…

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Never-Trumper Mitt Romney: Please, Call Me Jeff Flake

WASHINGTON – Thanks for nothing, Utah! Incoming “Republican” senator Mitt Romney started off the new year by slamming President Trump. He criticized the president’s character, and said Trump has lowered the bar for what it means to be president. “They don’t call me ‘Mittens’ for nothing,” Romney grinned. “I’m taking the gloves off with the leader of my own party. My wife gave me a set of balls for Christmas.” Ann Romney had given her husband a pair of ping pong balls, which suited him perfectly – plastic and lightweight.…

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AZ Hoping McCain/Flake Senate Seats May Flip Red Next Election

ARIZONA – With Jeff Flake getting hit by the door on his way out, and John McCain battling declining health and a ‘Go to Hell, Voters!’ attitude, Arizonans are hopeful that in the near future the state’s two Senate seats may finally have a chance to flip red in coming elections. Both Flake (D-AZ) and Senator McCain (D-AZ) like to call themselves Republicans, while voting and acting like Democrats. John McCain is currently checking off his bitter bucket list, determined to piss off as many people as he can on…

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