Jen Psaki Issues Preferred Descriptors For Those Stranded In Afghanistan

stranded

WASHINGTON – Biden spokesgal Jen Psaki takes issue with the term “stranded” when it comes to Americans stranded in Afghanistan. Because being stranded is not nearly as scary if you don’t define yourself as stranded. Personally, Psaki’s preferred descriptor is “hopelessly delayed.” When those at the Kabul Airport heard this news, they were relieved. Many were said to be less fearful of a torturous death at the hands of the “Tollybon” after hearing Psaki’s new definitions. Jen got her panties twisted when FNC’s Peter Doocy called stranded Americans ‘stranded.’ “These…

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Biden Heads Home To Head Off Taliban Takeover Of Delaware

Taliban takeover

WILMINGTON – President Joke Biden announced today that intelligence officials informed him Taliban fighters are overrunning the state of Delaware. Hearing the news, the president left DC for the state as soon as he finished briefing the country on the mess in Afghanistan. “Those who are saying I’m returning to Delaware for vacation don’t get the intel briefings I get,” Biden angrily told reporters. “I understand these are difficult times in Afghanistan. But I’ll be damned if I’m going to allow the Tollybon to take Dover! Let’s go, we’re burning…

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Biden Announces His New Gangsta Name Is ’16 Cents,’ Psaki Confirms

16 cents

WASHINGTON – Joe Biden revealed to America this weekend that his new gangsta name is ’16 Cents.’ The president claimed the new nickname was a nod to the massive savings he had procured for the American family. Earlier, Biden had announced that, thanks to him, Americans would save $0.16 off the cost of a BBQ dinner this 4th of July vs. last summer (a Trump year). Instead of celebrating the 4th this year, however, most families were huddled around kitchen tables trying to figure out how best to spend their…

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Biden: Stimmy Checks To Continue Until Herd Loyalty Toward Democrat Party Achieved

WASHINGTON – Joe Biden has hit the road, touting the latest phase of his ‘Spend America Into Oblivion’ stimulus package. Even as increased unemployment checks keep more Americans on the couch instead of working, he says now is not the time to ease up. “We cannot stop sending out stimmy money until we reach herd loyalty to the Democrat Party,” Biden told reporters. “Once we feel we’ve bought enough future Democratic votes, only then can we start to pull back on some of our relief programs.” Spokesgal Jen Psaki echoed…

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Biden Admin Insists Kids At Border Being Kept In ‘Tiny Cells’ Not ‘Cages’

cages

LAREDO – Administration officials took issue today with Republican lawmakers over the way they are handling the Biden border crisis. They insist that unaccompanied children are not being held in cages. “We are currently housing these undocumented children in ‘tiny cells,’ not ‘cages,’” Biden spokeshuman Jen Psaki told reporters. “The term cages is disingenuous, and should only be used to falsely accuse a Republican president with being barbaric and uncaring. We prefer the term tiny cells.” “Look, people love those tiny homes. You know, the ones they show on HGTV?…

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After Excessive ‘Circling Back,’ Jen Psaki Diagnosed With Severe Vertigo

circling back

WASHINGTON – Biden spokesperson Jen Psaki has been diagnosed with severe vertigo after ‘circling back’ too many times. The lopsided redhead has started medication to help with the condition. “Jen has ‘circled back’ so many times, it was inevitable that she would develop vertigo,” a White House doctor told reporters. “She presented saying she felt like her head was spinning. I told her she had to cut way down on ‘circling back’ or this was bound to happen.” Psaki partly blamed her unbalanced hairstyle, which causes her head to tilt…

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