Biden: Stimmy Checks To Continue Until Herd Loyalty Toward Democrat Party Achieved

WASHINGTON – Joe Biden has hit the road, touting the latest phase of his ‘Spend America Into Oblivion’ stimulus package. Even as increased unemployment checks keep more Americans on the couch instead of working, he says now is not the time to ease up. “We cannot stop sending out stimmy money until we reach herd loyalty to the Democrat Party,” Biden told reporters. “Once we feel we’ve bought enough future Democratic votes, only then can we start to pull back on some of our relief programs.” Spokesgal Jen Psaki echoed…

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Biden Admin Insists Kids At Border Being Kept In ‘Tiny Cells’ Not ‘Cages’

cages

LAREDO – Administration officials took issue today with Republican lawmakers over the way they are handling the Biden border crisis. They insist that unaccompanied children are not being held in cages. “We are currently housing these undocumented children in ‘tiny cells,’ not ‘cages,’” Biden spokeshuman Jen Psaki told reporters. “The term cages is disingenuous, and should only be used to falsely accuse a Republican president with being barbaric and uncaring. We prefer the term tiny cells.” “Look, people love those tiny homes. You know, the ones they show on HGTV?…

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After Excessive ‘Circling Back,’ Jen Psaki Diagnosed With Severe Vertigo

circling back

WASHINGTON – Biden spokesperson Jen Psaki has been diagnosed with severe vertigo after ‘circling back’ too many times. The lopsided redhead has started medication to help with the condition. “Jen has ‘circled back’ so many times, it was inevitable that she would develop vertigo,” a White House doctor told reporters. “She presented saying she felt like her head was spinning. I told her she had to cut way down on ‘circling back’ or this was bound to happen.” Psaki partly blamed her unbalanced hairstyle, which causes her head to tilt…

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