Barack Obama Says He Would Have Talked Coronavirus To Death By Now

talked to death

NEW YORK – Former President Barack Obama emerged from his life of luxury today, just long enough to criticize President’s Trump handling of the current pandemic. He chastised Trump for his travel bans, inability to stop the pandemic in its tracks, and not taking China at its word. “If Joe (Biden) and I were still in office, I would have bowed to the Chinese leaders numerous times – even if they weren’t telling us the truth about the disease – and I certainly think I could have talked the coronavirus…

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Biden Floats Ferraro, Barbara Jordan, Ann Richards For VP, Ruth Bader-Ginsburg For Court

VP

WASHINGTON – Pandering for the female vote, presidential candidate Joe Biden said in tonight’s debate that he would pick a woman to be his running mate. “I don’t run as much as I used to,” Biden said, “But I’m still in great shape for a guy that doesn’t know what’s going on.” When pressed about who he was considering as a potential vice-president, should he get the nomination, Joe rattled off a few names. Biden: “Oh gosh, we have some wonderful women I would be honored to have serve as…

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AOC Slams Trump For Not Using Presidential Magic Wand Against Virus

WASHINGTON – Democrats in Congress are continuously slamming President Trump for not instantly curing the coronavirus that is plaguing mankind at the moment. Many are reminding the public that a Democrat would have already eradicated the disease, were they in the White House. Representative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez can’t believe the president isn’t doing more to protect Americans. “Like, it’s common knowledge that the Speaker (Pelosi) has her magic gavel. And the president has, like, this presidential magic wand. I see no evidence that he’s used it to solve this coronavirus crisis.…

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Hillary: Joe Biden Could Seal Deal With Voters By Getting Thrown Into Van

NEW YORK – Two-time presidential loser Hillary Clinton has some advice for her friend Joe Biden. Get your handlers to throw you into a waiting van. She said in an interview on CNN that getting thrown into a van was the high point of her campaign in 2016. “Sympathy can do wonders,” Clinton said, “And we Clinton’s are not the most sympathetic people. So, it’s a way of manipulating the emotions of voters. I think that’s what Joe needs to seal the deal against Bernie. And, trust me Joe, Democrats…

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Joe Biden Reminds Supporters That Distant Second Is The New First Place

distant second

SOUTH CAROLINA – Speaking to a small crowd in a high school gym today, clueless presidential wannabe Joe Biden tried to keep his supporters motivated. “I just want to remind you all of something. We kicked some serious second-place butt in Nevada, didn’t we?! We’ve got real Joementum now. I can feel it. I’m serious. But don’t lose sight of…or doubt…the strength of our campaign. “Many of you may not know this, but a distant second is the new first-place. You heard me right. We’ve got Bernie (Sanders) right where…

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Push-Up Joe Wants Presidency Decided By Pectoral College

IOWA – We all know Democrats hate the Electoral College. They want mob rule. But Joe Biden believes the fairest way to settle the race for the presidency is with a push-up contest, with the winner being decided by the Pectoral College. “Look, Jack, I can do push-ups with the best of ’em. Ask Corn Pop, Squiggy, or Jelly Jam Joe from my old neighborhood,” Mr. Biden insisted. “You all may have noticed that each time I feel threatened by a question in a public setting, I always go to…

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Biden ‘No Malarkey’ Tour Aims To Abolish Malarkey Wherever It’s Found

IOWA – Democratic presidential candidate Joe Biden is on a mission. He wants to eradicate malarkey wherever it rears its ugly head. His ‘No Malarkey’ tour is beginning here because Iowa has seen a frightening surge in malarkey this year. “In 2019, there’s no reason America should still be fighting malarkey,” Biden told a campaign event audience. “And just because millennial whippersnappers don’t know what the hell it means, doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist.” Biden is promising to ramp up his gaffe machine during the week-long tour. According to his…

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DNA Test Confirms Baby Burisma Is Hunter Biden’s Love Child

ARKANSAS – Science has proven that Joe Biden’s son, Hunter Biden, is indeed the biological father of a baby born to an Arkansas woman. The baby was born out of wedlock. Hunter denied he was the baby daddy initially, but later agreed to a DNA test. “The first clue for us was that the baby was named Burisma,” the Arkansas mother’s attorney stated. “It’s not a very common name outside of Ukraine, you know. My client is seeking $83,000 a month, for doing nothing.” It’s unclear if the baby will…

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Biden Threatens To Have Reporter Fired Within Six Hours For Ukraine Question

LOS ANGELES – While answering questions from reporters this weekend, 2020 Democratic candidate Joe Biden became irate when a question was asked about his Ukraine/Hunter Biden scandal. He immediately threatened the offending reporter with causing his employment termination within six hours if the reporter didn’t withdraw his question. A visibly pissed Biden reacted to the Ukraine question, saying, “Kiddo, I’m not gonna respond to that. Look, I make one phone call and I’ll have you fired within six hours. How dare you question my nepotism skills! You wanna walk back…

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Ailing Biden Looking For Van To Fall Into To Secure Dem Nomination

WASHINGTON – Frailty seems to be an attractive trait that Democrats look for in their presidential candidates. Just like Hillary Clinton in 2016, Joe Biden is falling apart before our eyes. Still, he continues to lead in the polls for 2020. Biden sported bloody eyes during CNN’s climate fairy tale town hall this week. The Babylon Bee even reported that Biden’s head fell off during his time onstage at the event. Now, that IS embarrassing. However, he continues to lead all candidates whose heads are still attached. One Biden aide…

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