Biden Addresses Riots After Just Hearing About Them From CNN’s Don Lemon

riots

DELAWARE – THIS…is CNN. The network broke news to Democrats last night of the riots, looting, and violence taking place across the country. The anti-police violence in Portland, Seattle, Austin, Chicago, and other cities has been happening for three months already. Now, add Kenosha, Wisconsin. CNN’s Don Lemon broke the news to Democrat Joe Biden. “Our focus groups tell us that a majority of Americans can see with their own eyes what we choose to ignore. Apparently, nightly riots that have resulted in bloodshed, death, and the burning down of…

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Convention: Obama Tells Dems Nation Ready For First ‘Cognitively-Challenged’ President

cognitively-challenged

DELAWARE – Former President Barack Obama knows something about making history. He became the country’s first black president. He also became the country’s first president to attempt a coup of an incoming president – by using his own administration to carry it out. Tonight, Obama told Democrats in his convention speech that it’s time to make history again. “I believe America is ready to check another box in 2020. It’s time the Democratic Party take the bold step to elect the first ‘cognitively-challenged’ president in our nation’s history.” During one…

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Hillary Clinton Lauds Kamala’s Unlikeable Factor, Reminds Me Of Me

NEW YORK – Former presidential loser Hillary Clinton heaped praise on Joe Biden’s pick to be his VP. Clinton thought Biden’s pick of Kamala Harris was inspiring. “She’s every bit as unlikeable as I am,” Clinton quipped. “She reminds me of me! And there’s nothing better than that in my eyes,” Hillary continued. “She’s full of herself, over confident, aloof, condescending, and really knows how to play those victim cards that we (Democrats) use so frequently. I like to refer to her as Kamala Obama. But she’s really Hillary 2.0,”…

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Joe Biden Shouts ‘Get Off My Lawn!’ At Interviewer Asking About Cognitive Tests

DELAWARE – Democratic presidential candidate Joe Biden showed his grumpy side in an interview today. During an interview with a CBS reporter, Biden was confronted with the cognitive elephant in the room. The reporter asked Joe if he had taken any cognitive tests to measure his mental fitness to be president. The former VP lost his cool and snapped back at the reporter. “Get off my lawn!” Biden shot back. The nonsensical response caught the reporter by surprise. “I’m not on your lawn, sir.” Biden shot back, “Are you one…

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Skip 2020 Debates? Biden Says He Hasn’t Skipped In Years Due To Mobility Issues

skipped debates

DELAWARE – Due to his questionable mental competence, Democrats are freaking out over the possibility of Joe Biden debating on a stage with President Trump. His supporters, including the media, are now urging Joe to skip all debates. Period. Biden says he can’t do that. “I haven’t skipped in years. It’s harder to skip when you get older. I wish my handlers would be more understanding about that. A few years ago, I could walk briskly, trying to make it look like I was jogging with Barack. But I don’t…

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Biden Camp Offer Max Headroom As Stand In For Joe During Debates

Max Headroom

DELAWARE – Aides to Joe Biden’s 2020 campaign are doing whatever they can to avoid his having to debate President Trump in person. Now, they’re offering up 80’s pop culture personality Max Headroom as an alternative. The suggestion comes after the Trump campaign declined televising all debates from Biden’s basement. Greg Schultz, his campaign manager, explained why Headroom might be a suitable “debate double” for Biden. “First, they look exactly alike,” Schultz said. “I believe many of our younger Democrats wouldn’t be able to tell the difference. Also, Max is…

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Joe Biden: I’ll Put My Cognitive Decline Up Against Anybody’s Cognitive Decline

HIS BASEMENT – Joe Biden’s mental health has been in question throughout his campaign for president. But he’s been able to dodge addressing it until this week. A reporter finally asked him if his elevator still goes to the top floor. And if it does, why is it the slowest elevator in the city? Biden responded by saying he would put his cognitive decline up against anybody’s cognitive decline. “My cognitive ability is being tested constantly,” he insisted. “In fact, I’m being tested at this very moment. While I’m answering…

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Biden Touts Latest CNN Poll Showing Him Leading Trump By 120 Million Percent

120 million

PENNSYLVANIA – Democrat presidential hopeful Joe Biden feels good about his chances to win the White House this fall. The Grand Wizard of the Democratic party poked his head out of his basement, saw his shadow, and predicted six more months of gaffes and/or incomplete thoughts or sentences. However, during his brief appearance outside, Biden touted the latest CNN poll, which shows him with a commanding 120 million percent lead over President Trump. “Have you folks seen this? CNN has crunched the numbers and tell me that I lead in…

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Joe Biden: If I Were President, I’d Call In Those Starship Troopers To Put End To Riots

WASHINGTON – Joe Biden, the intellectual leader of the Democratic Party, doesn’t think President Trump is serious about ending the violence and rioting that has exploded in the wake of George Floyd’s murder. He disagrees with the step-by-step approach the president has taken. “If it were me,” Biden said, “I wouldn’t fool around with having cops and state troopers first, then adding the National Guard, then threatening to bring in the military. Man, I’d bring in those Starship Troopers right off the bat. Those guys that beat back the alien…

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Joe Biden Tells Looter: If You Don’t Vote For Me, You Ain’t A Looter

DELAWARE – Presidential candidate Joe Biden had a “properly-distanced” heart-to-heart with a rioter in Wilmington on Sunday. To show he was down for the struggle, Biden took a knee during the convo. He listened intently as the man spoke of injustices and pain that he and many others are feeling right now. The unknown man’s son was nearby and witnessed the exchange. Looter: Hey, man, you look just like us with your mask on. You gonna loot some liquor stores with us later tonight? Biden: Not today, man. Maybe another…

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