Joe Biden: I’ll Put My Cognitive Decline Up Against Anybody’s Cognitive Decline

HIS BASEMENT – Joe Biden’s mental health has been in question throughout his campaign for president. But he’s been able to dodge addressing it until this week. A reporter finally asked him if his elevator still goes to the top floor. And if it does, why is it the slowest elevator in the city? Biden responded by saying he would put his cognitive decline up against anybody’s cognitive decline. “My cognitive ability is being tested constantly,” he insisted. “In fact, I’m being tested at this very moment. While I’m answering…

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Biden Touts Latest CNN Poll Showing Him Leading Trump By 120 Million Percent

120 million

PENNSYLVANIA – Democrat presidential hopeful Joe Biden feels good about his chances to win the White House this fall. The Grand Wizard of the Democratic party poked his head out of his basement, saw his shadow, and predicted six more months of gaffes and/or incomplete thoughts or sentences. However, during his brief appearance outside, Biden touted the latest CNN poll, which shows him with a commanding 120 million percent lead over President Trump. “Have you folks seen this? CNN has crunched the numbers and tell me that I lead in…

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Joe Biden: If I Were President, I’d Call In Those Starship Troopers To Put End To Riots

WASHINGTON – Joe Biden, the intellectual leader of the Democratic Party, doesn’t think President Trump is serious about ending the violence and rioting that has exploded in the wake of George Floyd’s murder. He disagrees with the step-by-step approach the president has taken. “If it were me,” Biden said, “I wouldn’t fool around with having cops and state troopers first, then adding the National Guard, then threatening to bring in the military. Man, I’d bring in those Starship Troopers right off the bat. Those guys that beat back the alien…

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Joe Biden Tells Looter: If You Don’t Vote For Me, You Ain’t A Looter

DELAWARE – Presidential candidate Joe Biden had a “properly-distanced” heart-to-heart with a rioter in Wilmington on Sunday. To show he was down for the struggle, Biden took a knee during the convo. He listened intently as the man spoke of injustices and pain that he and many others are feeling right now. The unknown man’s son was nearby and witnessed the exchange. Looter: Hey, man, you look just like us with your mask on. You gonna loot some liquor stores with us later tonight? Biden: Not today, man. Maybe another…

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#YouAintBlack? Biden Team Clarifies Comment: Meant To Say ‘You Ain’t Black Enough’

you ain't black

BIDEN’S BASEMENT – Democratic candidate for president Joe Biden opened his mouth yesterday. So Team Biden is in full damage control today. Joe let his racism spill out during an interview with Charlamagne Wishes He Was Tha God. Biden made the comment, “If you have a problem figuring out whether you’re for me or Trump, then you ain’t black.” The remark sparked a massive backlash on social media. Now, his campaign is trying to walk run the comment back. Biden adviser Symone Sanders claims Joe simply misspoke. “I asked Joe…

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Pelosi Slams ‘Morbidly Obese’ Trump, Praises ‘Former Victoria’s Secret Model’ Stacey Abrams

morbidly obese

WASHINGTON – It’s common knowledge that House Speaker Nancy Pelosi lives in her own little world. So it was no surprise this week when she slammed President Trump for being ‘morbidly obese.’ She then went on to praise the imaginary governor of Georgia, Stacey Abrams, for being the picture of good health. Abrams is being considered as a VP pick for Democrat Joe Biden. Pelosi thinks Abrams would be a fine choice for the position. “In total contrast to the president, Ms. Abrams is the epitome of fitness and good…

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Joe Biden Goes All In For Voting By Pony Express

HIS BASEMENT – Democratic presidential candidate Joe Biden today heartily endorsed Nancy Pelosi’s proposed “cheat-by-mail” voting scam. Speaking from his basement, Joe said achieving voter fraud through the mail would be a huge boost to his party. Biden, often unsure of what year it is, said he had complete confidence in the Pony Express and their ability to deliver ballots to Washington on time. “Man, those boys can ride! And they wouldn’t stand for any hanky-panky with those ballots along the way” Democrats believe they can more easily commit voter…

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News Anchors Can’t Pronounce Name ‘Tara Reade,’ Working With Speech Therapists For Help

Tara

NEW YORK – In an incredible coincidence, all news anchors for the major networks, CNN, and MSNBC, admit they’re unable to pronounce the name ‘Tara Reade.’ Reade is the woman who has accused Democrat Joe Biden of sexual assault in the 1990’s. According to Media Matters, it’s some kind of fluke that Fox News anchors have no trouble pronouncing the name. “We can’t explain this one,” the Leftist news company said. They noted that neither Chuck Todd, George Stephanopoulis, Jake Tapper, Anderson Cooper, Joe Scarborough, Rachel Maddow, Lester Holt, Nora…

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Barack Obama Says He Would Have Talked Coronavirus To Death By Now

talked to death

NEW YORK – Former President Barack Obama emerged from his life of luxury today, just long enough to criticize President’s Trump handling of the current pandemic. He chastised Trump for his travel bans, inability to stop the pandemic in its tracks, and not taking China at its word. “If Joe (Biden) and I were still in office, I would have bowed to the Chinese leaders numerous times – even if they weren’t telling us the truth about the disease – and I certainly think I could have talked the coronavirus…

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Biden Floats Ferraro, Barbara Jordan, Ann Richards For VP, Ruth Bader-Ginsburg For Court

VP

WASHINGTON – Pandering for the female vote, presidential candidate Joe Biden said in tonight’s debate that he would pick a woman to be his running mate. “I don’t run as much as I used to,” Biden said, “But I’m still in great shape for a guy that doesn’t know what’s going on.” When pressed about who he was considering as a potential vice-president, should he get the nomination, Joe rattled off a few names. Biden: “Oh gosh, we have some wonderful women I would be honored to have serve as…

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