Biden Named Worst Comedian After Prefacing Every Punchline With “I’m Not Joking”

CNN – Joe Biden performed stand-up comedy at a town hall show on the network this week. Sadly, every joke the Democrat delivered fell flat. Even CNN anchors couldn’t save the floundering jokester from bombing on stage. Most well-known comics cited his technique as the reason for his poor showing. “You can’t start every joke with ‘Seriously, I’m not joking…,’ before you deliver the punchline,” Jerry Seinfeld said. “It confuses the audience. They don’t know if you’re playing it straight, the joke’s on them, or what.” Comedian Kevin Hart shouted,…

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Biden Announces His New Gangsta Name Is ’16 Cents,’ Psaki Confirms

16 cents

WASHINGTON – Joe Biden revealed to America this weekend that his new gangsta name is ’16 Cents.’ The president claimed the new nickname was a nod to the massive savings he had procured for the American family. Earlier, Biden had announced that, thanks to him, Americans would save $0.16 off the cost of a BBQ dinner this 4th of July vs. last summer (a Trump year). Instead of celebrating the 4th this year, however, most families were huddled around kitchen tables trying to figure out how best to spend their…

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Biden: 2nd Amendment Had Limits From Day One, I Was There

amendment

WASHINGTON – Joe Biden declared in April that “no amendment is absolute.” Translation: There is no right that we Democrats may not try to take away from you. So today, Grandpa Joe gave the nation a history lesson during a crime and violence speech he recited. “The second amendment, from the day it was passed, limited the type of people who own a gun and what type of weapon you could own. I know, I was there,” Biden said. “You couldn’t buy a cannon. You couldn’t buy an AR-1776. Hell,…

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Biden Threatens He’ll Send Obama To Tell Putin To ‘Knock It Off’ If He Misbehaves

SWITZERLAND – Russia was put in its place yesterday by US President Joe Biden. The president met with Russia’s President Putin where he drew fuschia-colored lines in the sand on issues that Biden said were off limits. According to reports, Biden took no malarkey from Putin. In fact, he left the top Russian with a list of things not to launch cyber-attacks against. Among the 16 items on Biden’s ‘do not hack’ list: DNC computers, son Hunter’s laptop, and top-secret files related to Kamala’s sneaker budget. Joe told reporters he…

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Dems Insist ‘N’ In ‘N-Word’ Is Silent When Hunter Biden, His Father Use Word

Hunter Biden

WASHINGTON – News has broken that Joe Biden and his son Hunter have used the ‘N-word’ numerous times in the past. Fortunately for them, the cancel culture crowd is apparently on vacation for the summer. NBC’s Chris Todd gave his take on the brewing controversy. “First of all, I don’t think these two ever used this offensive word. If they had, we’d be covering it in the media. Since we’re ignor-, I mean not covering it, it never happened.” Todd then offered another explanation for what happened. “See, when Democrats…

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Biden: Stimmy Checks To Continue Until Herd Loyalty Toward Democrat Party Achieved

WASHINGTON – Joe Biden has hit the road, touting the latest phase of his ‘Spend America Into Oblivion’ stimulus package. Even as increased unemployment checks keep more Americans on the couch instead of working, he says now is not the time to ease up. “We cannot stop sending out stimmy money until we reach herd loyalty to the Democrat Party,” Biden told reporters. “Once we feel we’ve bought enough future Democratic votes, only then can we start to pull back on some of our relief programs.” Spokesgal Jen Psaki echoed…

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More Doctors Recommend ‘Watching Biden Address Congress’ Over Ambien For Insomnia

ATLANTA – In a new study, 4 out of 5 doctors now recommend ‘watching Joe Biden address Congress’ as the best cure for sleeplessness. The recommendations have even overtaken popular sleep aids like Ambien. Biden has been spending like a drunken sailor since he became president, vowing to solve every problem by throwing money at it. Insiders say Joe is trying to see how many generations’ futures he can piss away before Kamala takes over for him. Dr. Stanley Evans said, “The president has an uncanny ability to be both…

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Biden Puts Kamala Harris In Charge Of Screwing Up Border Crisis Even More

border crisis

WASHINGTON – VP Kamala Harris has been given her first major assignment in what will be a long list of future failures. Joe Biden today tapped Harris to be in charge of further screwing up his ongoing border/immigration crisis. “If anybody can make a bigger cluster out of our current border situation, it’s Kamala,” Biden told reporters. “I’ve already laid the ground work for totally screwing the pooch on our immigration problem, and nobody knows more about things getting laid than she does. I have full confidence in her ability…

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Biden Signs Exec Order Refilling DC Swamp To Pre-Trump Levels

DC Swamp

WASHINGTON – Joe Biden signed his most important (to the Democrat Party) executive order in his first week in office. The Only Good DC Swamp Is A Full DC Swamp order was signed Friday in the Oval Office. Members of the administration, fellow Democrats, and the mainstream media all cheered the signing. During the Trump administration, the president drained the Swamp about 39%. But that left the majority of the swamp to remain an ongoing breeding ground for anti-American corruption. And now that Democrats have total power, many creatures banished…

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Biden: Georgia Runoff Wins Would Allow Dems To Control All Space, Matter

Georgia

GEORGIA – Joe Biden coughed out a statement about the upcoming Georgia senate runoff races on Monday. He reminded supporters that with wins in both races, Democrats would control everything. “Let me be clear, which is more than I can say for my throat,” Biden said through a web of phlegm in his mouth, “We can control all space and matter if we play this right, folks. If you get out there and vote and cheat like only Georgians can, we’ll control it all!” Joe hocked a loogie and continued,…

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