Push-Up Joe Wants Presidency Decided By Pectoral College

IOWA – We all know Democrats hate the Electoral College. They want mob rule. But Joe Biden believes the fairest way to settle the race for the presidency is with a push-up contest, with the winner being decided by the Pectoral College. “Look, Jack, I can do push-ups with the best of ’em. Ask Corn Pop, Squiggy, or Jelly Jam Joe from my old neighborhood,” Mr. Biden insisted. “You all may have noticed that each time I feel threatened by a question in a public setting, I always go to…

Read More

Biden ‘No Malarkey’ Tour Aims To Abolish Malarkey Wherever It’s Found

IOWA – Democratic presidential candidate Joe Biden is on a mission. He wants to eradicate malarkey wherever it rears its ugly head. His ‘No Malarkey’ tour is beginning here because Iowa has seen a frightening surge in malarkey this year. “In 2019, there’s no reason America should still be fighting malarkey,” Biden told a campaign event audience. “And just because millennial whippersnappers don’t know what the hell it means, doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist.” Biden is promising to ramp up his gaffe machine during the week-long tour. According to his…

Read More

DNA Test Confirms Baby Burisma Is Hunter Biden’s Love Child

ARKANSAS – Science has proven that Joe Biden’s son, Hunter Biden, is indeed the biological father of a baby born to an Arkansas woman. The baby was born out of wedlock. Hunter denied he was the baby daddy initially, but later agreed to a DNA test. “The first clue for us was that the baby was named Burisma,” the Arkansas mother’s attorney stated. “It’s not a very common name outside of Ukraine, you know. My client is seeking $83,000 a month, for doing nothing.” It’s unclear if the baby will…

Read More

Biden Threatens To Have Reporter Fired Within Six Hours For Ukraine Question

LOS ANGELES – While answering questions from reporters this weekend, 2020 Democratic candidate Joe Biden became irate when a question was asked about his Ukraine/Hunter Biden scandal. He immediately threatened the offending reporter with causing his employment termination within six hours if the reporter didn’t withdraw his question. A visibly pissed Biden reacted to the Ukraine question, saying, “Kiddo, I’m not gonna respond to that. Look, I make one phone call and I’ll have you fired within six hours. How dare you question my nepotism skills! You wanna walk back…

Read More

Ailing Biden Looking For Van To Fall Into To Secure Dem Nomination

WASHINGTON – Frailty seems to be an attractive trait that Democrats look for in their presidential candidates. Just like Hillary Clinton in 2016, Joe Biden is falling apart before our eyes. Still, he continues to lead in the polls for 2020. Biden sported bloody eyes during CNN’s climate fairy tale town hall this week. The Babylon Bee even reported that Biden’s head fell off during his time onstage at the event. Now, that IS embarrassing. However, he continues to lead all candidates whose heads are still attached. One Biden aide…

Read More

Carbon Dating Confirms 2020 Democrat Front-runners Are Ancient

carbon

WASHINGTON – We knew they were old. Now, science has confirmed it. Following carbon dating on Democrat presidential hopefuls Joe Biden and Bernie Sanders, the 2020 front-runners are indeed from a bygone era. Measuring carbon isotopes from the political fossils, scientists determined Biden and Sanders date back to between the late Cenozoic period and the #MeToo era. This geo-political period was known as a time when most creatures were not yet “woke.” The results of the tests reinforces the notion that the two men are ancient in the minds of…

Read More

#MeToo? Joe Biden Admits Past As Shampoo Fragrance Secret Shopper

WASHINGTON – He’s having to come clean now that he’s about to run for president in 2020. Creepy Joe Biden has now admitted that repeated photos of him sniffing women’s hair was all just part of the job. “I was a shampoo fragrance secret shopper for several decades,” Biden admitted in a statement on Friday. “You can understand now why I was getting so close and handsy with all those women. But I couldn’t blow my cover. I’d lose the $100 gift certificate they gave me for each survey I…

Read More

Biden Released Into Wild After Receiving Prez Medal of Freedom

WASHINGTON – Vice-President Joe Biden was released into the wilds of Loyalsock State Forest, in his beloved Pennsylvania, after being awarded the Presidential Medal of Freedom from President Obama. Biden was last seen running into the forest, shouting, “Y’all ain’t never puttin’ me back in chains!” Uncle Joe has needed his freedom from Washington for many years now, and it was nice to see him so happy again. Similar to “being put out to pasture,” Joe will live off the land, terrorize hikers, and dazzle all kinds of small, woodland…

Read More

VP Biden Comes Out With Trump High School Fantasies

WASHINGTON – Vice-President Joe Biden raised some eyebrows today when he “came out” with some homoerotic statements about Donald Trump. When asked by a reporter if he wishes he were the one debating Trump, Biden said, “No, I wish we were in high school and I could take him behind the gym. That’s what I wish.” White House insiders say Biden has been questioning his own sexuality since President Obama’s transgender bathroom agenda became the talk of the nation. “I bet Donny looked pretty sweet in those short shorts we…

Read More