Debate: Pence Hopes Plexiglass Will Protect Him From STD From Kamala

plexiglass

SALT LAKE CITY – During last-minute preparations for the VP debate here tonight, Vice President Mike Pence had a few questions. Mostly about health and safety. Mostly about the plexiglass partition that will separate he and his opponent, Kamala Harris. “Forget Covid,” the Vice President said. “From what I’ve heard over the years, I’m more worried about catching a STD from Senator Harris. I know her a little bit, but God knows where she’s been. I could tell you some stories that even make me blush.” The VP wondered aloud…

Read More

Dems: Barrett Can Win Our Votes By Performing Just 1 Abortion During Hearings

Barrett

WASHINGTON – Forget about Amy Coney Barrett’s Catholicism. Senate Democrats have a small favor to ask before they’ll give her their blessings as the newest Supreme Court Justice. Senator Diane Feinstein (D-CA) told reporters, “After talking with my Democratic colleagues, we all feel that if Judge Barrett will simply perform one abortion, during the confirmation hearings, we could give her our support. If she did that, I think we could overlook all the dogma that guides her. We could even get past her biggest sin – being a conservative.” Senator…

Read More

Hypocrisy: Media Silent When Kamala Called Fallen Vets ‘Jive Turkeys and Suckas’

suckas

WASHINGTON – Donald Trump is being crucified in the media for a story based on anonymous sources. According to a reporter at The Atlantic, the president referred to fallen soldiers as “losers and suckers.” Supporters in his administration have come forward denying he ever said such a thing. However, the guilty narrative exposes yet another double standard from the mainstream media. They feign outrage over Trump’s supposed remarks, but said nothing when Democrat Kamala Harris “reportedly” said basically the same thing years ago. As a DA in California during the…

Read More

Kamala Harris Hosts DNC Hollywood Squares, ‘Deranged Democrat’ Edition

DELAWARE – To liven up a boring Democratic National Convention, VP-nominee Kamala Harris hosted a version of the iconic Hollywood Squares game show last night. It’s been dubbed the ‘Deranged Democrat‘ edition of the show. As host, Harris asked deranged Democrats various questions about what makes America such a terrible place. Contestants pressed a button that illuminated their square with a colored circle, the color depending on the order they buzzed in. The enthusiasm was so weak for the show that some of the contestants were duplicated to fill out…

Read More

Birther Theories Solved: CNN Confirms Kamala Harris Was Birthed

NEW YORK – The controversy over whether Kamala Harris is eligible to be Joe Biden’s running mate appears to be solved. Due to her mixed heritage, birther theories have exploded on social media. Now, CNN has weighed in on the controversy and, like Kamala, is trying to but the matter to bed. The network’s Don Lemon confirmed Friday night that the crack research team at CNN has determined that Kamala Harris was indeed birthed. “There should be no doubt now that these baseless birther theories are pure conjecture,” Lemon told…

Read More

Hillary Clinton Lauds Kamala’s Unlikeable Factor, Reminds Me Of Me

NEW YORK – Former presidential loser Hillary Clinton heaped praise on Joe Biden’s pick to be his VP. Clinton thought Biden’s pick of Kamala Harris was inspiring. “She’s every bit as unlikeable as I am,” Clinton quipped. “She reminds me of me! And there’s nothing better than that in my eyes,” Hillary continued. “She’s full of herself, over confident, aloof, condescending, and really knows how to play those victim cards that we (Democrats) use so frequently. I like to refer to her as Kamala Obama. But she’s really Hillary 2.0,”…

Read More

Joe Biden Said To Be Elated After Kamala Harris Picks Him To Be Her VP

VP

DELAWARE – From deep within his own basement, Democrat Joe Biden is beaming with joy. The former vice-president is said to be elated after receiving news yesterday that he’d been chosen to be Kamala Harris’ VP. “This is great!” a grinning from ear-to-ear Biden said. “My wife Jill tried to tell me that I was the one who had chosen Kamala to be my running mate, but she was just messin’ with me. Can you imagine the thought of me at the top of the ticket?!” (Laughing wildly) “I can’t…

Read More

Kamala Harris Quits Race: Without Likable Personality, I Saw No Path Forward

likable

CALIFORNIA – 2020 Democratic presidential hopeful Kamala Harris has quit the race. She ended her run for the White House today, saying she lacked “anything remotely resembling likability to the average American.” Harris joins an elite group of unlikable Democratic drop-outs that includes the likes of Beto, Hillary Clinton and Howard Dean. Kamala is the latest to realize that you can’t learn to be likable. You either have it or you don’t. “Apparently, not enough voters appreciated my snobby, smarter-than-thou attitude,” Kamala concluded. “People are so stupid. I guess I’ll…

Read More

Kamala Harris Promises Cure For Resting Bitch Face If Elected

bitch

CALIFORNIA – Joe Biden promises to cure cancer. Elizabeth Warren promises to cure the scourge of her American Indian people, smallpox. Bernie Sanders vows to cure capitalism. Beto wants to cure male whiteness. Kamala Harris needed a hook. Now, she has one. “If elected, within my first term, we will rid the country of resting bitch face (RBF),” Harris matter-of-factly told a rally crowd this weekend. “I myself have suffered from that debilitating ailment all of my adult life. So I know first hand that it’s extremely difficult to fake…

Read More