NYT Flirts With Writing Factual Story, Won’t Commit Just Yet

NYT

NEW YORK – The New York Times, long known as “the newspaper of record (players)” in this country, is toying with the idea of using facts in their articles. The bold move is under review by upper management at press time. “Staff has been confused about this possible new approach, so we’ve brought in so-called journalistic experts to try to explain what changes this would entail,” a Times spokesman said. “I don’t know if it’ll take or not. It’s pretty drastic.” The paper has received significant backlash over its recent…

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Midterms: Registered Democrats to Receive Torches, Pitchforks After Voting

pitchforks

WASHINGTON – Forget those “I Voted” stickers that voters are usually offered after casting their ballot. They’re so 2016. This November, voting Democrats will each receive torches and pitchforks as they exit polling places. The Democratic National Committee announced Sunday that the giveaway will help Democrats be ready to join their local rage mob if midterm election results do not go their way. However, DNC chairman Tom Perez stressed that voters will have to provide their own fire starter and/or kerosene. “We can’t afford to supply everything,” Perez noted. “In…

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Kavanaugh Accuser Pens ‘Senate Hearings For Dummies’ Book

PALO ALTO – Christine Blasey Ford, the accuser of President Trump’s supreme court nominee Brett Kavanaugh, has written the latest in the “Dummies” book collection: Senate Hearings for Dummies. She wrote the book during her down time while stalling to commit to testify before the Senate Judiciary Committee. In a bid to stop him from becoming a Justice on the highest court, Ford has accused Kavanaugh of getting handsy at a party in the early ’80’s. Here are a few excerpts from the book: It’s best to not have ANY corroborating…

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Ernie Claims Bert Groped Him At Party 36 Years Ago

SESAME STREET – In a classic case of he said/he said, Ernie, after 36 years, is claiming that longtime roommate Bert once groped and sexually assaulted him at a party. The pair were drunk after throwing back several bottles of MD 20/20 the night the alleged incident took place. However, the timing of the revelation is suspect. The country was on the verge of confirming rumors that the two friends were gay lovers when Ernie made his accusation public. Why did he remain quiet for three-and-a-half decades? “Look, I love…

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