Democrats Hinge Hopes On Ex-Trump Lawyer Droopy Cohen

Cohen

WASHINGTON – In a desperate attempt to nail President Trump, Democrats in Congress are hoping his former lawyer, Michael “Droopy” Cohen, can give them some good dirt to use against him. The atmosphere during Cohen’s testimony has been electric, with yawns and letdowns aplenty. House Democrat Elijah Cummings announced that Cohen’s testimony today is being sponsored by No-Doz Maximum Strength Alertness Aid. Droopy, a convicted liar who will be behind bars soon, had half the chamber napping before he finished his opening statement. In fact, Cummings brought in Eeyore, he…

Read More

Elizabeth Warren’s DNA Test Reveals She’s 82.6% Liar

dna

MASSACHUSETTS – Using the DNA test from genetic profiling company¬†23andMeCherokee,¬†Senator Elizabeth Warren released results that shed light on her ancestry. Warren has insisted she’s got Native American heritage in her bloodline. However, recently submitted DNA tests prove she likely has less Native American heritage than the average white woman in America today. Daniel Farraday, a geneticist with 23andMeCherokee, revealed, “The closest we could come to pinning down any real Indian connection to Mrs. Warren was that we believe her great-great-great-great grandfather may have met a Cherokee tribe member when the…

Read More

Obama Retirement: “I’ll Take Time to Reflect on What Americans Did Wrong”

reflect

WASHINGTON – As President Obama gives his “exit” interviews before leaving office in January, he’s been asked what some of the first things he plans on doing are, once he’s settled in his Washington D.C. mansion. As the modest man he’s always been, Obama said he’s going to do some deep introspection and reflect for a while, before writing a book. “I’m going to do two things, primarily. First, I’ll spend a great deal of time looking at myself. Our new place in DC is being fitted with wall-to-wall, floor-to-ceiling…

Read More