Bernie Sanders Launches Bid To Not Be President In 2020

VERMONT – Senator Bernie Sanders announced today that he will indeed seek to not be the president in 2020. He enters a crowded field of progressives seeking the Democratic nomination in 2020, but he has more experience losing than the others. “I know I won’t win,” Sanders gruffly admitted, “But I love the attention. I want to allow all the college students to ‘Feel The Bern’ one more time and enjoy the ride. My plan has always been to announce my bid, go through the process, spend millions in other…

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Nation Mourns Jeff Flake’s ‘No To 2020 Prez Run’ Decision


ARIZONA – An already divided country is reeling after former senator Jeff Flake officially announced today that he will not be running for president in 2020. Flake announced his decision as it was revealed he has taken a job with CBS News. The new position will mean Jeff will add nothing of value to the network’s offerings, which will be a continuation of his career in Congress. But how does the country move forward after such a shocking development? Millions of Americans live by the creed of WWJD (What would…

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Never-Trumper Mitt Romney: Please, Call Me Jeff Flake

WASHINGTON – Thanks for nothing, Utah! Incoming “Republican” senator Mitt Romney started off the new year by slamming President Trump. He criticized the president’s character, and said Trump has lowered the bar for what it means to be president. “They don’t call me ‘Mittens’ for nothing,” Romney grinned. “I’m taking the gloves off with the leader of my own party. My wife gave me a set of balls for Christmas.” Ann Romney had given her husband a pair of ping pong balls, which suited him perfectly – plastic and lightweight.…

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Vanity Fair Buys Hillary Clinton Rocking Chair for Knitting, Retiring


NEW YORK – Afraid she wouldn’t get the hint from their article begging her never to run for office again, editors at Vanity Fair¬†gave Hillary Clinton a rocking chair for Christmas, in addition to a knitting starter kit, to push her in the right direction. Snitches get stitches. But so do witches and bitches. Mrs. Clinton fits the latter. As everybody knows, the saying “snitches get stitches” refers to the treatment of gang members who, when caught telling on one of their own, are kicked out of the gang and…

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Hillary Uses Her New Throat Lozenge During Alma Mater’s Coughmencement Speech

WELLESLEY COLLEGE – Hillary Clinton delivered the commencement speech at her alma mater this week. However, during what can be called her “coughmencement” address, she started hacking away like she did numerous times on the campaign trail in 2016. During this coughing fit, she pulled out a throat lozenge and popped it in her mouth. What she didn’t tell anyone is that she has had a special cough drop made just for her. “The two things I’m best known for is lying and having coughing fits at inopportune times,” the…

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Hillary Tells Democrats to “Please Stop Trying to Help Me!”

DEEP IN THE WOODS – A group of hikers stumbled across Hillary Clinton in a thick forest near Chappaqua early today. Since her humiliating defeat in early November, Mrs. Clinton has shunned most human contact and has started learning to live off the land. Looking particularly haggard, the hikers asked if there was anything they could do to help the year’s biggest loser. “Yes!” she screamed. “Please tell Democrats to stop trying to help me! I know they mean well, but I can’t take any more of these embarrassing losses.”…

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