Pete Quits: America Not Ready For Condescending Prick So Soon After Obama

SOUTH BEND – Mayor Pete Buttigieg will not have a chance to lose the presidency to Donald Trump in 2020. The first openly gay presidential candidate dropped out of the race today, after a disappointing showing in the South Carolina primary. However, his sexual orientation had nothing to do with his downfall. “I just don’t think America is ready for another condescending prick so soon after President Obama,” Buttigieg told reporters. “President Obama always talked down to the American people. I hope to do the same from the White House…

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Mayor Pete’s Soleimani TMI: Taking Out Bad Guys Not Always Good Idea

CAMPAIGN TRAIL – 2020 Democrat hopeful, Mayor Pete Buttigieg, made headlines in the wake of the US killing of Iran’s Qasem Soleimani. The inexperienced mayor said that “taking out a bad guy is not always a good idea.” Pete told a campaign crowd, “As a gay man, I’ve taken out lots of bad guys. We all get trapped by the allure of the ‘bad boy,’ am I right? But, trust me, things rarely turn out as magical with them as it does in our minds. “I’ve been there. You wake…

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Mayor Pete: I Will Wipe Out College Student Beer Debt If Elected

FLORIDA – Trying to keep up with all the ways 2020 Democratic hopefuls are promising to wipe out all uncomfortable facets of modern life, Mayor Pete Buttigieg has joined the chorus. Pete wants to pass reparations for all the money college students spent on beer and alcohol during their university days. “Look, Bernie wants to wipe out financial distress with college loan forgiveness. Kamala Harris and Squaw Warren want to wipe out racism by making reparations for slavery and the hard times the white man gave the red man. Hell,…

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Iowa Dealing With Infestation Of 2020 Democratic Candidates

Iowa

AMES – Residents of this town and others in Iowa are currently being overrun by a swarm of 2020 Democratic presidential hopefuls. Worried residents have so far reported 19 sightings of the unwelcome varmints, and many are praying the pests move on soon before they destroy everything. Willy Turnbull, who lives in Cedar Rapids, expressed his concern. “They’re freakin’ everywhere! I saw several here yesterday. I know Democrats have that ‘hive mind’ mentality, but my skin crawls when I think about how many are concentrated in this one state at…

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