Anderson Cooper Pleasures Self During Kellyanne Conway Interview

ATLANTA – CNN has been reviewing tape after anchorman Anderson Cooper was caught pleasuring himself in the middle of an on-air interview with Trump counselor Kellyanne Conway. Cooper tried to be discreet about his (under the desk) activities, even holding his expressions of ecstasy until Conway looked down at her notes so she wouldn’t notice. CNN’s medical expert, Dr. Sanjay Gupta, was alerted by producers and expressed his concern. “When I saw the tape of the interview, I was worried that Anderson may have had a seizure or suffered a…

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CNN to Fill Skies With Biased Drones

cnn drone

ATLANTA – CNN has announced it will introduce a new level of reporting with the addition of CNN AIR (Aerial Imagery & Reporting). CNN AIR will be a fleet of drones that will be deployed to deliver a unique perspective on news events. And, like CNN’s anchors themselves, the drones will be programmed to be biased in what they report back to the network. If video recorded by a drone does not match the narrative put forth by the network, it will simply be omitted during reporting, thanks to a…

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CNN Raises $45 Million for Hillary in July Alone

ATLANTA – Financial reports released today reveal that CNN raised almost $50 million dollars for the Hillary Clinton campaign during the month of July alone. The figures represented amounts donated directly by CNN anchors, as well as the value of free pro-Clinton advertising, covering for her many missteps (literally), and complimentary damage control. Morning anchor Carol Costello, widely known as the dumbest CNN personality, gave Hillary the most when she forfeited her entire 2016 salary of $900,000 to the Clinton campaign. Chris Cuomo, Alisyn Camerota, and Ashleigh Banfield each gave…

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