Michigan Gov Whitmer Hires Liam Neeson In Case She Gets Taken

LANSING – Last week, a plot to kidnap Michigan Governor Gretchen (Cruella) de Whitmer was foiled by law enforcement officials. The plot was planned by a far-left group of anarchists who wanted to overthrow the government. However, the would-be kidnappers fought the law….and the law won. Still, Cruella was shaken by the revelation. So much so that she’s now hired actor Liam Neeson as her personal bodyguard. You may remember Neeson is famous for his roles in the movies Taken, Taken 2, and Taken 3. He’s currently working on the…

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Justin Amash Sobers From 3-Week Bender, Cancels Imaginary Presidential Bid

Amash

MICHIGAN – Congressman Justin Amash has had a wild last three weeks. After beginning a 3-week long bender, he announced to the world that he was launching a bid for the presidency as a third-party candidate. Weeks later, he sobered up. “It was like a 3-week version of The Hangover movies,” a recovering Amash told reporters. “First, I was on an ego trip, then a power trip, then an acid trip, and finally I added alcohol to the mix. I’ve never been so ripped before.” Justin said as he was…

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Michigan Gov Whitmer Says She’ll Use Spells, Curses To Maintain Power Over Angry Peasants

Whitmer

LAND OF LANSING – Michigan Governor Gretchen Whitmer is not having a good lock-down. She’s been unpleasantly surprised at how the peasants have reacted to the authoritarian rule from her corrupt kingdom. She believes her power to be absolute as governor. Her legislature disagrees. In fact, not only will they not allow her edict to extend Michigan’s lock-down indefinitely, but they voted today to sue the witch for abusing her power. Currently, Queen Whitmer is trying to fend off several other Democrats around the country for the title of Worst…

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Biden Blames Trump, Bourne Supremacy For Recent Mass Shootings

bourne

IOWA – Speaking to campaign crowds, former VP Joe Biden accused President Trump of being responsible for stoking Bourne supremacy with his rhetoric and inspiring two recent mass shootings in America. Many thought Biden meant “white supremacy” in his remarks, but this is Joe Biden we’re talking about. A reporter at the event questioned Obama’s vice president with this exchange: Reporter: Mr. Vice President, when you say ‘Bourne Supremacy’ do you mean to say ‘white supremacy?’ Biden: What did Jason Bourne do to everyone he didn’t like? Reporter: He killed…

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Trump Closes Michigan Rally With Tribute To Ted Nugent

Michigan

GRAND RAPIDS – The raucous crowd attending President Trump’s rally last night were treated to a surprise concert to close the event, when the president paid tribute to Michigan rocker and MAGA supporter Ted Nugent. After hitting all the right political notes, Trump delighted his audience by performing a number of the Motor City Madman’s hits. The president performed his versions of Nugent classics such as Stranglehold, Free-For-All, Dog Eat Dog, Wang Dang Sweet Poontang, Stormtroopin’, Wango Tango, and Cat Scratch Fever. Details are sketchy as to whether Uncle Ted…

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