Nation Sarcastically Thanks Florida For Recount: ‘Yeah, That Was Fun’

Ready to get on with their lives, American voters sarcastically thanked Florida’s election officials for dragging the country through a recount for the senate and governor races. A weary nation sarcastically acknowledged Florida’s Democratic officials for their incompetence in the midterm election. “Yeah that was fun, Florida. Thanks. Can we stop playing around and get back to reality now?” GOP voters across the nation did not appreciate the ridiculous waste of time the recount was, all in a failed attempt by election officials in a few counties to steal the…

Read More

Midterms: Registered Democrats to Receive Torches, Pitchforks After Voting

pitchforks

WASHINGTON – Forget those “I Voted” stickers that voters are usually offered after casting their ballot. They’re so 2016. This November, voting Democrats will each receive torches and pitchforks as they exit polling places. The Democratic National Committee announced Sunday that the giveaway will help Democrats be ready to join their local rage mob if midterm election results do not go their way. However, DNC chairman Tom Perez stressed that voters will have to provide their own fire starter and/or kerosene. “We can’t afford to supply everything,” Perez noted. “In…

Read More

Willie Nelson Releases Song List For Beto O’Rourke Rally

willie

AUSTIN – Music legend Willie Nelson has never performed a free concert in support of a political candidate. Until now. He’s chosen to break his streak with a concert in support of socialist Texas senate candidate, Beto O’Rourke. O’Rourke will face Senator Ted Cruz in November’s midterm election. Nelson has performed at fundraisers for past political candidates like Wendy Davis and Dennis Kucinich, but this one will be free and open to the public. Willie will perform for all who come out to Lady Bird Lake and sit amongst the…

Read More

George Will Exits Republican Party, Registers As Asshole

WASHINGTON – Former establishment Republican wordsmith George Will has officially left the GOP. The poor man’s William F. Buckley, Will recently changed his party affiliation from “Republican” to “Asshole.” Progressives are hailing Will’s move to the dark side, but they don’t understand that Never Trumpers like Will, Bill Kristol, Anna Navarro, and others who pose as conservatives on network news shows, have not been considered Republicans for quite some time now. In fact, if these people revealed their true beliefs, they know they would lose their sweet gigs as so-called…

Read More