MSNBC’s Velshi Tries To Flag Down A Few Viewers For Show

NEW YORK – MSNBC host Ali Velshi tried frantically this week to get the attention of anybody that might have any interest at all in a little show he does with co-host Stephanie Ruhle. Judging by the ratings, Velshi’s antics fell way short. Ali waved his arms wildly, inadvertently slapping Ruhle in the face several times, and waking her up from her on-air nap during the show. Ruhle opened her eyes slightly, but never lost her normal, resting bitch face expression. “I was just trying to get anyone who may…

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CNN Furious After Trump Calls MSNBC Bottom of Fake News Barrel

ATLANTA – CNN personalities are furious after President Trump called MSNBC “the worst of all” when it comes to fake news outlets. His comments took place at a rally this weekend. It was bad enough for the network when Trump supporters made CNN reporter Jim Acosta cry at the event. Now this. Their bad weekend got worse when the president gave the worst news outlet title to MSNBC instead. CNN has long prided itself on being the leader in fake news, and their ratings bear out that fact. But the…

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Supreme Court Retirement Sends Shingles Up Chris Matthews’ Leg

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MSNBC – As news of Supreme Court Justice Anthony Kennedy’s retirement came across the MSNBC fake news desk – along with the realization that President Trump will get to pick his replacement – host Chris Matthews said he felt shingles running up his leg. “As the reality of this moment in our nation’s history sunk in,” Matthews stated, “I felt this intense, itching rash running up my leg. It was completely different from the tingle Obama gave me. This time, there were fluid-filled blisters involved. It was disgusting. “And the…

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MSNBC’s Joyless Reid: Term ‘Chain’ Migration Should Be Banned

NEW YORK – The woke, weekend MSNBC host of #AMJOY, Joy(less) Reid, said today that the term ‘chain’ migration should be banned because it is offensive to her. The term apparently triggers memories of Reid’s childhood, when she was brought to America, in chains, as a young slave. Joy, who described her own weekend show as “off the chain,” said she’s already voiced her hate for the term up the chain of command at MSNBC. Sadly, Joy herself is not very high on the political food chain. “I’ve sent a…

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MSNBC’s Lawrence O’Donnell Hates Hammer Time, Hip Hop Music

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NEW YORK – MSNBC anchor Lawrence O’Donnell turned into The Hulk during commercial breaks of his show this week, due to MC Hammer showing up in the studio next door for a performance. Reportedly, O’Donnell was angry about MC not agreeing to appear on his show that night. The seemingly mild-mannered Lawrence was asked whether he hates all hip hop music, or just MC Hammer and his songs. He answered, “Son of a b*tch, that music *#%$* @*!!*&!, ^^#*%& and that +^$$#* @!&%$$ MC &%(**$@*!!!.” Here is a video clip…

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Alt-Left Media: “Why Didn’t Trump Provide Live Hurricane Coverage Himself?”

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NEW YORK – Members of the alt-left media are disgusted that President Trump didn’t volunteer to provide live coverage to the public as Hurricane Harvey made landfall Friday night. They said they would only be happy had the president put his own life in danger at the worst of the storm. As high winds and flooding rains slammed the Texas coast, CNN’s Don Lemon told viewers, “If the president really cared for Texans, he would have put himself in harm’s way to give them the most accurate reports of deteriorating…

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Tests on Lab Rats Show Detrimental Effects of Joe Scarborough’s Music

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NEW YORK – In case you missed it – lucky you – MSNBC’s former-Republican talk show host, Joe Scarborough, has decided to punish the world by releasing a music video for a song about President Trump. The song is called Mystified, and you will be as well. To prove just how terrible, lame, and sucktastic Joe’s foray into the music world is, a group of lab rats were subjected to the sights and sounds of his video. The results were as dramatic and nauseating as you might have guessed. Of the…

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MSNBC’s Chris Matthews Appalled by Trump/Putin Manspreading Display

manspreading

NEW YORK – Everyone is in agreement that “manspreading” is the biggest challenge facing mankind, probably since the centuries-old problem of not being able to find men’s dress shirts that look good untucked. Thank God, the owner of UNTUCKit has alleviated the latter. So it was no surprise that MSNBC host Chris Matthews couldn’t get past what he saw during this week’s G20 summit meeting between President Trump and Russia’s President Putin. Matthews felt the need to “mansplain” the incident: “See how both men are spreading their legs open, as…

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Trump Charges Joe and Mika Fee for Letting World Know They Have a Show

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NEW YORK – If you host a cable show, but nobody watches it, does the show really exist? This is the predicament faced by MSNBC morning hosts “Psycho” Joe Scarborough and his snooty fiance, “Crazy” Mika Brezschgretsky, or something. If you don’t know who they are, you’re not alone. Psycho Joe and Crazy Mika have been annoying a very limited cable audience for years on a show called Morning Psycho Joe. After non-stop badgering of President Trump from the wannabe power couple, the president dropped a few MOAB tweets about them that…

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MSNBC’s Rachel’s MadNow to Write Book on ‘Virtues of Smugness’

NEW YORK – MSNBC anchor Rachel Maddow, alias Rachel’s MadNow, alias Harry Potter, blew the Trump tax return scandal wide open this week when he/she revealed secret info about the President’s 2005 returns. Secret info that was so unknown that the Wall Street Journal and others had reported it over a year ago. Rachel was very proud of itself. He/she promoted itself on Twitter to drum up ratings before its nightly show, and some speculate the incident was all part of MadNow’s scheme to get publicity for its new book,…

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