Nancy Pelosi, House Dems Showing Classic Impeachment Withdrawal Symptoms

WASHINGTON – Democrats on Capitol Hill have been seen twitching, sweating, and acting paranoid lately, but the cause has been unclear until now. Speaker Nancy Pelosi confirmed today that she’s been suffering impeachment withdrawals since the failure of the Senate trial to impeach President Trump. “I can’t hardly sleep, I’m not eating much, I can’t sit still or concentrate on anything these last 10 days,” Pelosi admitted. “So, over the weekend, Adam Schiff, myself, Eric Swalwell, and other members of our caucus went to a clinic to find out what…

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Angry Dems Insist That “Acquittal” Means Trump Still Has To Quit

acquittal

WASHINGTON – In a last ditch effort to snatch victory from the flames of defeat, Democratic impeachment managers are insisting that President Trump would still have to leave office – even in the event of a likely acquittal in his Senate trial. Democrat House manager Adam Schiff spelled out the logic during his party’s closing arguments. “House manager Mr. Nadler and I have screwed this impeachment inquiry six ways to Sunday. We know that. In fact, I can’t imagine this hearing going more badly unless Senators Mitt Romney and Susan…

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Impeachment: Chuck Schumer To Have Cousin, Amy, Write Democrat Closing Arguments

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WASHINGTON – Senate minority leader Chuck Schumer is desperate. Despite his furious spinning, he knows his party’s opening arguments bombed on the big stage. Now, he’s hoping his cousin, comic Amy Schumer, can add some life to Democrats’ closing arguments next week. “Look, I know Adam Schiff and Jerry Nadler aren’t the most charismatic guys,” Schumer told reporters this weekend. “I, personally, along with the mainstream media, think they’re two of the finest orators to ever grace the Senate chamber. But it’s clear that the majority of senators are not…

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House Pallbearers Carry Impeachment Articles To Senate In Pretend Casket

Senate

WASHINGTON – It was somber and prayerful. Stone-faced Democrat House impeachment managers served as pallbearers today as they carried Speaker Nancy Pelosi’s two articles of impeachment to their final resting place in the Senate chamber. The procession consisted of six Democrats, with an additional manager following behind in case Jerry Nadler was unable to complete the journey. The Democrats pretended they were transporting the articles in an invisible casket that only they could see. Asked if he was worried whether pretending to have an imaginary casket might look weird to…

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Robert Mueller: Happiness Is DC In My Purview Mirror

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WASHINGTON – He couldn’t remember his way back home, but former special counsel Robert Mueller couldn’t get out of town fast enough after his testimony on Capitol Hill today. “I’m just happy to get this place in my purview mirror,” he said. Mr. Mueller bumbled and stumbled his way through questions about his findings into whether President Trump won the election in 2016 fair and square. “I can’t say if he did or he didn’t, but I seem to recall that I don’t remember.” Come again? Asked to describe how…

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Mueller: Trump Did Not Not Break Law, Doesn’t Find Him Not Innocent

WASHINGTON – Special Counsel Robert “Muddy” Mueller issued a last, for now, statement on his famous report on Russian collusion and obstruction of justice by the Trump campaign. His statement today made his findings as clear as mud. Waxing on the 14th Amendment to the US Constitution, Mueller reaffirmed that, “In America, a person is presumed innocent unless I can’t not un-exonerate them. Look it up, people. I didn’t make the law up.” “Muddy” then started really making things up. “Under the 71st Amendment, the law provides for a presumption…

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Pelosi: U.S. In Midst Of A ‘Consticollusional Crisis’ Right Now

crisis

WASHINGTON – Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi is adamant that the Trump administration has plunged the country into a ‘Consticollusional crisis’ due to the findings of the Mueller Report. In their delusional and subpoena-happy state, Democrats have actually put the U.S. in a Constitutional crisis, but that’s a story for another day. Part of the reason for the current Consticollusional crisis we find ourselves in at the moment is that Democrats insist on finding collusion where there is no collusion to be found. The other part is because Pelosi…

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Mueller Report To Be Released As Picture Book For Democrats

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WASHINGTON – Democrats are having a hard time understanding what “No Collusion” and “No Obstruction” means. So to help them more easily understand Robert Mueller’s report and conclusions, Attorney General William Barr will release a version of Mueller’s findings in a picture book format. “I hope with the addition of illustrative pictures, the explanation of no collusion and no obstruction on the part of the president will be easier for them to comprehend,” Barr told reporters after a congressional hearing today. “Because, so far, they’re just not getting it.” “We’re…

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Dems Worry Trump Exoneration May Set Up 3-Tiered Justice System

WASHINGTON – Leading Democrats, as well as leading Democratic mouthpieces in the media, are worried that an exoneration of President Trump in the Mueller Report may set up a dreaded 3-tiered justice system in America. House Judiciary Committee Chairman Jerry Nadler, “Nads” for short (the guy’s only 5′ 4″), explained his Party’s worry about the president’s vindication in the Russian collusion investigation. “Right now, we have a 2-tiered justice system. We have one for Hillary Clinton and her people, and one for everybody else.” “If Robert Mueller doesn’t indict President…

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