Nancy Pelosi Offers Human Sacrifices To Appease Impeachment Gods

WASHINGTON – House Speaker Nancy Pelosi said today she has been praying for President Trump. Yesterday, the president walked out of a scheduled meeting on infrastructure with Pelosi and Senator Chuck Schumer after Nan accused him of covering up……….something. To appear more pious than everyone else, she told reporters that she’s praying for the president’s mental well being and revealed her conversation with the deities she worships. “I prayed to Saint Bill, the patron saint of Impeachments, to help us carry out our desires to destroy Donald Trump. I even…

Read More

Pelosi: U.S. In Midst Of A ‘Consticollusional Crisis’ Right Now

crisis

WASHINGTON – Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi is adamant that the Trump administration has plunged the country into a ‘Consticollusional crisis’ due to the findings of the Mueller Report. In their delusional and subpoena-happy state, Democrats have actually put the U.S. in a Constitutional crisis, but that’s a story for another day. Part of the reason for the current Consticollusional crisis we find ourselves in at the moment is that Democrats insist on finding collusion where there is no collusion to be found. The other part is because Pelosi…

Read More

Trump Proposes Literally Building Wall Over Pelosi’s Dead Body

WASHINGTON – Hoping to avoid another shutdown, President Trump today proposed literally building his border wall or barrier directly over Speaker Nancy Pelosi’s dead body. According to his plans, her body would become the cornerstone in any future border structure. “You can tell by looking at her that she probably doesn’t have a lot of time left anyway,” a White House aide admitted. “She’s always threatening the president, saying, ‘You’ll get your border wall over my dead body!’ We’re just offering to take her up on that offer.” The president…

Read More

Nancy Pelosi Confident She’ll Win Swimsuit Portion of Speakership Battle

speakership

WASHINGTON – Nancy Pelosi is the Hillary Clinton of Congress – she won’t go away. Whether 78 or 178-years-old, now that Democrats have won back the House, she’ll die before seeing another possess the power of the magic gavel she once held. “I know there are others out there who feel they’re better than me,” Nancy admitted. “Especially some of the young upstarts in our party. But I will do well in the interview part of the judging, I’ll ace the talent portion, and I’m a slam dunk in the…

Read More

Nancy Pelosi Explains That GOP Tax Cuts Are Literal

cuts

WASHINGTON – House Democratic leader Nancy Pelosi has been gnashing her teeth and frothing at the mouth non-stop lately over how hurtful the GOP’s tax cut plan will be for the country. She says the reason is that the cuts are literally physical cuts. “These tax cuts will cut a bitch,” Pelosi told reporters. “It’s the most dangerous legislation ever passed by Congress. Seriously, have you seen what’s in this monstrous thing?! You can’t cut taxes without cutting! There are knives, swords, box cutters and razor blades throughout this thing.…

Read More

Conyers, Franken to Lead Congressional Committees of Perverse Politicians

Conyers

WASHINGTON – Self-anointed ladies men, Michigan congressman John Conyers and Minnesota senator Al Franken, have been picked to head the newly created (but much needed) Congressional Committees of Perverse Politicians (CCPP). Conyers will serve as the top Democrat on the House side, while Franken will preside over gropers in the Senate. Conyers, known for taking meetings with staffers in his underwear, says the committees will focus on teaching members of both parties how to spin accusations, smear accusers, and write pretend apologies so they can weather bad press but keep…

Read More

Democrats Plan to “Turn the Crazy Up to 11” After Ossoff Defeat

WASHINGTON – Proving you can’t go to the well too many times with the same terrible game plan, Democrats believe they lost the recent special election in Georgia because candidate Ossoff just wasn’t far-left enough. So, they’ve decided to ramp up the crazy. “I firmly believe that we should turn the crazy up to 11,” Senator Elizabeth Warren, referencing a line from the movie This Is Spinal Tap, said. Grandpa Bernie Sanders seconded the idea. “You can see widespread support, following this latest loss, for our ‘Queen of Crazy,’ Nancy…

Read More

Nancy Pelosi Begins Botox Strike “Until Trump is Impeached”

WASHINGTON – Going without food for long periods of time, known as a hunger strike, is a drastic way to gain attention for your cause. But House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi is adding a new wrinkle to the tactic. Pelosi, whose brain is comprised of 65% Botox, 25% water, and 10% useless information, has vowed to give up Botox treatments until President Trump is impeached. The move is a risky one since doctors have advised her that quitting the injections cold turkey could result in “huge facial fissures,” along with…

Read More

Insightful “Reasons To Vote For Democrats” Tops Amazon Book Charts

NEW YORK – The literary world is buzzing this week over the publication of a book detailing the state of the Democratic Party. “Reasons To Vote For Democrats” is considered to be the most exhaustively researched and comprehensive look at why Democrats have been so successful lately. The book is a little different from most other books, since it basically contains no words or pictures. After the Table of Contents, the rest of the book is a hard look at the many ways Democrats put the interests of the American…

Read More

Attorney General Sessions’ Russian Bombshell: “I Enjoyed Rocky IV”

Russian

WASHINGTON – In a bombshell report by the press wizards at CNN, audio has been uncovered showing just how deep the connection is between Attorney General Jeff Sessions and his involvement with Russia. In a 1990 interview, Sessions admitted he was a fan of Rocky IV. “I enjoyed Rocky IV and the epic battle between the Italian Stallion and Ivan Drago, the Russian fighting machine,” Sessions told a reporter. “The way Rocky pulled off a ‘David vs. Goliath’ win, during those Cold War days, was just what America needed at…

Read More