Trump Proposes Literally Building Wall Over Pelosi’s Dead Body

WASHINGTON – Hoping to avoid another shutdown, President Trump today proposed literally building his border wall or barrier directly over Speaker Nancy Pelosi’s dead body. According to his plans, her body would become the cornerstone in any future border structure. “You can tell by looking at her that she probably doesn’t have a lot of time left anyway,” a White House aide admitted. “She’s always threatening the president, saying, ‘You’ll get your border wall over my dead body!’ We’re just offering to take her up on that offer.” The president…

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Nancy Pelosi Confident She’ll Win Swimsuit Portion of Speakership Battle


WASHINGTON – Nancy Pelosi is the Hillary Clinton of Congress – she won’t go away. Whether 78 or 178-years-old, now that Democrats have won back the House, she’ll die before seeing another possess the power of the magic gavel she once held. “I know there are others out there who feel they’re better than me,” Nancy admitted. “Especially some of the young upstarts in our party. But I will do well in the interview part of the judging, I’ll ace the talent portion, and I’m a slam dunk in the…

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Nancy Pelosi Explains That GOP Tax Cuts Are Literal


WASHINGTON – House Democratic leader Nancy Pelosi has been gnashing her teeth and frothing at the mouth non-stop lately over how hurtful the GOP’s tax cut plan will be for the country. She says the reason is that the cuts are literally physical cuts. “These tax cuts will cut a bitch,” Pelosi told reporters. “It’s the most dangerous legislation ever passed by Congress. Seriously, have you seen what’s in this monstrous thing?! You can’t cut taxes without cutting! There are knives, swords, box cutters and razor blades throughout this thing.…

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Conyers, Franken to Lead Congressional Committees of Perverse Politicians


WASHINGTON – Self-anointed ladies men, Michigan congressman John Conyers and Minnesota senator Al Franken, have been picked to head the newly created (but much needed) Congressional Committees of Perverse Politicians (CCPP). Conyers will serve as the top Democrat on the House side, while Franken will preside over gropers in the Senate. Conyers, known for taking meetings with staffers in his underwear, says the committees will focus on teaching members of both parties how to spin accusations, smear accusers, and write pretend apologies so they can weather bad press but keep…

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Democrats Plan to “Turn the Crazy Up to 11” After Ossoff Defeat

WASHINGTON – Proving you can’t go to the well too many times with the same terrible game plan, Democrats believe they lost the recent special election in Georgia because candidate Ossoff just wasn’t far-left enough. So, they’ve decided to ramp up the crazy. “I firmly believe that we should turn the crazy up to 11,” Senator Elizabeth Warren, referencing a line from the movie This Is Spinal Tap, said. Grandpa Bernie Sanders seconded the idea. “You can see widespread support, following this latest loss, for our ‘Queen of Crazy,’ Nancy…

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Nancy Pelosi Begins Botox Strike “Until Trump is Impeached”

WASHINGTON – Going without food for long periods of time, known as a hunger strike, is a drastic way to gain attention for your cause. But House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi is adding a new wrinkle to the tactic. Pelosi, whose brain is comprised of 65% Botox, 25% water, and 10% useless information, has vowed to give up Botox treatments until President Trump is impeached. The move is a risky one since doctors have advised her that quitting the injections cold turkey could result in “huge facial fissures,” along with…

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Insightful “Reasons To Vote For Democrats” Tops Amazon Book Charts

NEW YORK – The literary world is buzzing this week over the publication of a book detailing the state of the Democratic Party. “Reasons To Vote For Democrats” is considered to be the most exhaustively researched and comprehensive look at why Democrats have been so successful lately. The book is a little different from most other books, since it basically contains no words or pictures. After the Table of Contents, the rest of the book is a hard look at the many ways Democrats put the interests of the American…

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Attorney General Sessions’ Russian Bombshell: “I Enjoyed Rocky IV”


WASHINGTON – In a bombshell report by the press wizards at CNN, audio has been uncovered showing just how deep the connection is between Attorney General Jeff Sessions and his involvement with Russia. In a 1990 interview, Sessions admitted he was a fan of Rocky IV. “I enjoyed Rocky IV and the epic battle between the Italian Stallion and Ivan Drago, the Russian fighting machine,” Sessions told a reporter. “The way Rocky pulled off a ‘David vs. Goliath’ win, during those Cold War days, was just what America needed at…

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Pelosi Paints Bleak Life Without Obamacare

WASHINGTON – Nancy Pelosi has never been one to exaggerate, embellish, lie, or scare-monger on any issue she was defending during her never-ending political life in this town. OK, that’s not true. It’s just the first joke about Nancy in this article. Pelosi is in “the sky is falling!” mode, as Republicans FINALLY seem to be ready and able to trash the disaster known as Obamacare. Nancy, of course, is an expert on the wonder of Obamacare because she never read it. But that hasn’t stopped her from fiercely defending…

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Leading Democrats Ponder Funding Research for ‘Arrogance Vaccine’

WASHINGTON – Denying they have a problem, leaders of the Democratic Party are at least responding to talk from some on Capitol Hill who insist it’s way past time for Democrats to invest in finding a cure for the arrogance that plagues their party. However, a reliable vaccine could take years, if not decades, to make it to market. Secretary of Stupid, John Kerry, who many liken to being no smarter than a rock, said he doesn’t understand why money should be spent on such a vaccine. “In case you…

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