AOC Slams Trump For Not Using Presidential Magic Wand Against Virus

WASHINGTON – Democrats in Congress are continuously slamming President Trump for not instantly curing the coronavirus that is plaguing mankind at the moment. Many are reminding the public that a Democrat would have already eradicated the disease, were they in the White House. Representative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez can’t believe the president isn’t doing more to protect Americans. “Like, it’s common knowledge that the Speaker (Pelosi) has her magic gavel. And the president has, like, this presidential magic wand. I see no evidence that he’s used it to solve this coronavirus crisis.…

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Nancy Pelosi, House Dems Showing Classic Impeachment Withdrawal Symptoms

WASHINGTON – Democrats on Capitol Hill have been seen twitching, sweating, and acting paranoid lately, but the cause has been unclear until now. Speaker Nancy Pelosi confirmed today that she’s been suffering impeachment withdrawals since the failure of the Senate trial to impeach President Trump. “I can’t hardly sleep, I’m not eating much, I can’t sit still or concentrate on anything these last 10 days,” Pelosi admitted. “So, over the weekend, Adam Schiff, myself, Eric Swalwell, and other members of our caucus went to a clinic to find out what…

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NFL Denies 49er’s Request To Litter Field With Syringes, Poop, To Feel More Like Home Game

SUPER BOWL 54 – You have to hand it to the San Francisco 49er’s. They managed to win a lot of games this year, despite their home turf being littered with used drug syringes and human waste. Many football fans don’t realize that the feces problem the city itself is having doesn’t stop at the gates to Levi’s Stadium. Patrick Mahomes, quarterback for the Kansas City Chiefs, said earlier this season, “San Fran is a really disgusting place to play. It’s tough enough scrambling, trying to avoid big linemen, looking…

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Angry Dems Insist That “Acquittal” Means Trump Still Has To Quit

acquittal

WASHINGTON – In a last ditch effort to snatch victory from the flames of defeat, Democratic impeachment managers are insisting that President Trump would still have to leave office – even in the event of a likely acquittal in his Senate trial. Democrat House manager Adam Schiff spelled out the logic during his party’s closing arguments. “House manager Mr. Nadler and I have screwed this impeachment inquiry six ways to Sunday. We know that. In fact, I can’t imagine this hearing going more badly unless Senators Mitt Romney and Susan…

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House Pallbearers Carry Impeachment Articles To Senate In Pretend Casket

Senate

WASHINGTON – It was somber and prayerful. Stone-faced Democrat House impeachment managers served as pallbearers today as they carried Speaker Nancy Pelosi’s two articles of impeachment to their final resting place in the Senate chamber. The procession consisted of six Democrats, with an additional manager following behind in case Jerry Nadler was unable to complete the journey. The Democrats pretended they were transporting the articles in an invisible casket that only they could see. Asked if he was worried whether pretending to have an imaginary casket might look weird to…

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Chief Justice Roberts Left Hanging After Failed High-Five Attempt

WASHINGTON – President Trump’s impeachment trial in the Senate got off to a rocky start this week. On Thursday, Chief Justice John Roberts was left hanging by Senator Chuck Grassley during a failed high-five attempt. Justice Roberts thought the gesture would lighten the mood in the Senate chamber, but the mood soon changed to horror when Senator Grassley failed to reciprocate on the high-five. “I wasn’t sure whether to go in for a bro hug or a simple handshake,” Roberts later said. “The high-five move was a last second decision.…

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AOC: Congress Must Limit Trump’s Ability To Cause Earthquakes In Iran

WASHINGTON – Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, preeminent thinker for today’s Democrats, is outraged over President Trump’s recent actions regarding Iran. But she’s not just mad about him taking out American-hating terrorist Soleimani last weekend. “Ok, like, so Iran retaliated against us by launching rockets at our bases in Iraq….which they had very right to do. But within hours of their strikes against us, the president caused 2 earthquakes in Iran. AND a plane crash on top of that!” Cortez charged. “We’re better than that. Why does he even do that?” she continued.…

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Jerry Nadler-Nadler Jerry Delights Dems Of Sombertown With Impeachment

Jerry Nadler

SOMBERTOWN D.C. – The despised dictator of impeachment proceedings against President Trump, Jerry Nadler-Nadler Jerry, is trying to ruin Christmas for millions with his framing of the president. Nadler Jerry hopes to nullify the 2016 election with his tyrannical behavior toward all Republicans. The Democrats of Sombertown, however, are thrilled with his sham of an investigation targeting the president. Nancy Pelosi, representing the Democrats, explained, “Sombertown is named for the way we pretend to feel when we pretend to care about the Constitution. Somber and prayerful.” Jerry Nadler-Nadler Jerry, in…

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Dems Blast Trump For Killing Rather Than Impeaching Terrorist Al-Baghdadi

WASHINGTON – Impeachment fever remains high with Democrats. Even as President Trump told the world that ISIS founder Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi had his ticket to Hell punched by American forces, Democrats were unimpressed. “He didn’t need to kill the guy,” Nancy Pelosi stated. “Al-Baghdadi would have suffered a fate even worse than death if he had been impeached. You know, we could have censured him in the House or something, but killing him seems so harsh.” The Impeachment King himself, Adam Schiff, added, “Baghdadi was just trying to find his…

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Scientists Isolate Impeachment Gene In Democrats For First Time

gene

AUSTIN – Geneticists working at the University of Texas have finally located the impeachment gene that is carried by all Democrats. The breakthrough findings may one day help lead to a cure for what makes impeachment-obsessed Democrats so bat-shit crazy. Dr. Greg Zinter, a researcher at UT’s BioScience Dpt., explained the significance of the new discovery. “We’ve wondered what causes Democrats to throw logic, common sense, and facts out the window when they get the urge to impeach. Now, we have a better idea. It’s not that they’re necessarily brain…

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