Joe Biden: I’ll Put My Cognitive Decline Up Against Anybody’s Cognitive Decline

HIS BASEMENT – Joe Biden’s mental health has been in question throughout his campaign for president. But he’s been able to dodge addressing it until this week. A reporter finally asked him if his elevator still goes to the top floor. And if it does, why is it the slowest elevator in the city? Biden responded by saying he would put his cognitive decline up against anybody’s cognitive decline. “My cognitive ability is being tested constantly,” he insisted. “In fact, I’m being tested at this very moment. While I’m answering…

Read More

Joe Biden Goes All In For Voting By Pony Express

HIS BASEMENT – Democratic presidential candidate Joe Biden today heartily endorsed Nancy Pelosi’s proposed “cheat-by-mail” voting scam. Speaking from his basement, Joe said achieving voter fraud through the mail would be a huge boost to his party. Biden, often unsure of what year it is, said he had complete confidence in the Pony Express and their ability to deliver ballots to Washington on time. “Man, those boys can ride! And they wouldn’t stand for any hanky-panky with those ballots along the way” Democrats believe they can more easily commit voter…

Read More

VP Pence To Head Up Murder Hornet Task Force, Dems Call Trump Bee-ist

WASHINGTON – Coronavirus is still a huge issue in our society, but America has a new foe to deal with on top of it – the Asian Murder Hornet. They’re pretty scary creatures with a painfully, toxic sting, and an appetite for destroying honeybees. But the murder hornets haven’t dealt with an enemy like Donald Trump yet. Today, the president appointed VP Mike Pence to lead a new task force against the murderous hoard of insects. And Democrats are not happy about it. “The president is doing what he did…

Read More

AOC Slams Trump For Not Using Presidential Magic Wand Against Virus

WASHINGTON – Democrats in Congress are continuously slamming President Trump for not instantly curing the coronavirus that is plaguing mankind at the moment. Many are reminding the public that a Democrat would have already eradicated the disease, were they in the White House. Representative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez can’t believe the president isn’t doing more to protect Americans. “Like, it’s common knowledge that the Speaker (Pelosi) has her magic gavel. And the president has, like, this presidential magic wand. I see no evidence that he’s used it to solve this coronavirus crisis.…

Read More

Nancy Pelosi, House Dems Showing Classic Impeachment Withdrawal Symptoms

WASHINGTON – Democrats on Capitol Hill have been seen twitching, sweating, and acting paranoid lately, but the cause has been unclear until now. Speaker Nancy Pelosi confirmed today that she’s been suffering impeachment withdrawals since the failure of the Senate trial to impeach President Trump. “I can’t hardly sleep, I’m not eating much, I can’t sit still or concentrate on anything these last 10 days,” Pelosi admitted. “So, over the weekend, Adam Schiff, myself, Eric Swalwell, and other members of our caucus went to a clinic to find out what…

Read More

NFL Denies 49er’s Request To Litter Field With Syringes, Poop, To Feel More Like Home Game

SUPER BOWL 54 – You have to hand it to the San Francisco 49er’s. They managed to win a lot of games this year, despite their home turf being littered with used drug syringes and human waste. Many football fans don’t realize that the feces problem the city itself is having doesn’t stop at the gates to Levi’s Stadium. Patrick Mahomes, quarterback for the Kansas City Chiefs, said earlier this season, “San Fran is a really disgusting place to play. It’s tough enough scrambling, trying to avoid big linemen, looking…

Read More

Angry Dems Insist That “Acquittal” Means Trump Still Has To Quit

acquittal

WASHINGTON – In a last ditch effort to snatch victory from the flames of defeat, Democratic impeachment managers are insisting that President Trump would still have to leave office – even in the event of a likely acquittal in his Senate trial. Democrat House manager Adam Schiff spelled out the logic during his party’s closing arguments. “House manager Mr. Nadler and I have screwed this impeachment inquiry six ways to Sunday. We know that. In fact, I can’t imagine this hearing going more badly unless Senators Mitt Romney and Susan…

Read More

House Pallbearers Carry Impeachment Articles To Senate In Pretend Casket

Senate

WASHINGTON – It was somber and prayerful. Stone-faced Democrat House impeachment managers served as pallbearers today as they carried Speaker Nancy Pelosi’s two articles of impeachment to their final resting place in the Senate chamber. The procession consisted of six Democrats, with an additional manager following behind in case Jerry Nadler was unable to complete the journey. The Democrats pretended they were transporting the articles in an invisible casket that only they could see. Asked if he was worried whether pretending to have an imaginary casket might look weird to…

Read More

Chief Justice Roberts Left Hanging After Failed High-Five Attempt

WASHINGTON – President Trump’s impeachment trial in the Senate got off to a rocky start this week. On Thursday, Chief Justice John Roberts was left hanging by Senator Chuck Grassley during a failed high-five attempt. Justice Roberts thought the gesture would lighten the mood in the Senate chamber, but the mood soon changed to horror when Senator Grassley failed to reciprocate on the high-five. “I wasn’t sure whether to go in for a bro hug or a simple handshake,” Roberts later said. “The high-five move was a last second decision.…

Read More

AOC: Congress Must Limit Trump’s Ability To Cause Earthquakes In Iran

WASHINGTON – Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, preeminent thinker for today’s Democrats, is outraged over President Trump’s recent actions regarding Iran. But she’s not just mad about him taking out American-hating terrorist Soleimani last weekend. “Ok, like, so Iran retaliated against us by launching rockets at our bases in Iraq….which they had very right to do. But within hours of their strikes against us, the president caused 2 earthquakes in Iran. AND a plane crash on top of that!” Cortez charged. “We’re better than that. Why does he even do that?” she continued.…

Read More