House Pallbearers Carry Impeachment Articles To Senate In Pretend Casket

Senate

WASHINGTON – It was somber and prayerful. Stone-faced Democrat House impeachment managers served as pallbearers today as they carried Speaker Nancy Pelosi’s two articles of impeachment to their final resting place in the Senate chamber. The procession consisted of six Democrats, with an additional manager following behind in case Jerry Nadler was unable to complete the journey. The Democrats pretended they were transporting the articles in an invisible casket that only they could see. Asked if he was worried whether pretending to have an imaginary casket might look weird to…

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Chief Justice Roberts Left Hanging After Failed High-Five Attempt

WASHINGTON – President Trump’s impeachment trial in the Senate got off to a rocky start this week. On Thursday, Chief Justice John Roberts was left hanging by Senator Chuck Grassley during a failed high-five attempt. Justice Roberts thought the gesture would lighten the mood in the Senate chamber, but the mood soon changed to horror when Senator Grassley failed to reciprocate on the high-five. “I wasn’t sure whether to go in for a bro hug or a simple handshake,” Roberts later said. “The high-five move was a last second decision.…

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AOC: Congress Must Limit Trump’s Ability To Cause Earthquakes In Iran

WASHINGTON – Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, preeminent thinker for today’s Democrats, is outraged over President Trump’s recent actions regarding Iran. But she’s not just mad about him taking out American-hating terrorist Soleimani last weekend. “Ok, like, so Iran retaliated against us by launching rockets at our bases in Iraq….which they had very right to do. But within hours of their strikes against us, the president caused 2 earthquakes in Iran. AND a plane crash on top of that!” Cortez charged. “We’re better than that. Why does he even do that?” she continued.…

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Jerry Nadler-Nadler Jerry Delights Dems Of Sombertown With Impeachment

Jerry Nadler

SOMBERTOWN D.C. – The despised dictator of impeachment proceedings against President Trump, Jerry Nadler-Nadler Jerry, is trying to ruin Christmas for millions with his framing of the president. Nadler Jerry hopes to nullify the 2016 election with his tyrannical behavior toward all Republicans. The Democrats of Sombertown, however, are thrilled with his sham of an investigation targeting the president. Nancy Pelosi, representing the Democrats, explained, “Sombertown is named for the way we pretend to feel when we pretend to care about the Constitution. Somber and prayerful.” Jerry Nadler-Nadler Jerry, in…

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Dems Blast Trump For Killing Rather Than Impeaching Terrorist Al-Baghdadi

WASHINGTON – Impeachment fever remains high with Democrats. Even as President Trump told the world that ISIS founder Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi had his ticket to Hell punched by American forces, Democrats were unimpressed. “He didn’t need to kill the guy,” Nancy Pelosi stated. “Al-Baghdadi would have suffered a fate even worse than death if he had been impeached. You know, we could have censured him in the House or something, but killing him seems so harsh.” The Impeachment King himself, Adam Schiff, added, “Baghdadi was just trying to find his…

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Scientists Isolate Impeachment Gene In Democrats For First Time

gene

AUSTIN – Geneticists working at the University of Texas have finally located the impeachment gene that is carried by all Democrats. The breakthrough findings may one day help lead to a cure for what makes impeachment-obsessed Democrats so bat-shit crazy. Dr. Greg Zinter, a researcher at UT’s BioScience Dpt., explained the significance of the new discovery. “We’ve wondered what causes Democrats to throw logic, common sense, and facts out the window when they get the urge to impeach. Now, we have a better idea. It’s not that they’re necessarily brain…

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Ocasio-Cortez Considering Changing Last Name To Pelosi

name

WASHINGTON – Alexandria Pelosi? Maybe. But is this town big enough for two Pelosi’s? Incoming Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi has long cemented her spot as the biggest idiot in Congress. Now, a new challenger has appeared. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, the ditzy darling of the Socialist-Democrat party, is desperately trying to out Pelosi Pelosi. “I say, like, 10 more moronic things a day than Nancy does. I’m even thinking of changing my last name to Pelosi.” “It’s kind of a way to honor her stupidity, but also a way to…

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Trump Plans to Live-Tweet During His SOTU Speech

tweet

WASHINGTON – Following the reading of parts of Fire and Fury by Hillary Clinton at the Grammy’s this weekend, President Trump says he will live-tweet during his State of the Union speech Tuesday night. He said he plans to read excerpts from Hillary’s What Happened excuse book as well. When he’s not gesturing with his hands during his speech, he’ll be feverishly working his thumbs behind the podium to tweet about Jay-Z, Eminem, Joy Behar, Anna Navarro and many others. “I can maintain focus on letting the country know how…

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Democrats Hope ‘DACA Alpaca’ Mascot Will Solicit Sympathy for Illegals

WASHINGTON – With their Dreamers crushed after their government shutdown strategy backfired, Democrats have announced plans to attach a face to the Deferred Action for Childhood Arrivals (DACA) movement, in hopes of pulling at heartstrings to gain sympathy for their pet cause. The new mascot is the DACA Alpaca, a group of sweater-wearing Alpacas who strayed across the border while following their mama. The alpacas entered the country illegally, having never gone through a Fish & Wildlife checkpoint or wandering into a US Customs and Immigration Office. The DACA Alpacas…

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Mitch McConnell Delays Recess for Congressional Babies

recess

WASHINGTON – Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell broke the bad news to the children in Congress yesterday – no recess time until you buckle down and complete your work. He reminded his colleagues that recess is a privilege, not a right. “Look, I love the jungle gym as much as anybody,” a grim McConnell deadpanned, “But we need to stop playing before we work. Just because that’s how Mr. Obama did things, it doesn’t mean it’s the best way.” Playground bully, Democrat Chuckie Schumer, wasn’t pleased to hear the news.…

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