Portland Antifa Riot After Someone Forgot To Bring The S’mores

Portland

PORTLAND – Members of the local antifa chapter raged again this weekend, but for a different reason than the previous 70 nights. One of their own forgot to bring the makings for s’mores to their overnight temper tantrum, setting off a firestorm of violence outside the city’s Police Department. “How can we keep up our energy to riot without marshmallows, chocolate, and graham crackers? There’s no way!” shouted a leader of the group. “We’ve got these wonderful fires going….but nothing to make s’mores with?! So we’re just standing around these…

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Police Offer To Use Marshmallows Instead Of Beanbags As Ammo, BLM Says No, Because They’re White

AUSTIN – The Austin Police Department has been discussing new methods of riot control with the City Council. The Council has made it clear that they want all uses of force by police to be outlawed in the near future. The city has already demanded that police cease using beanbags as ammo during riots or protests. Jokingly, the Chief of Police suggested his officers swap beanbags for marshmallows when shooting to subdue lawbreakers. Austin Mayor Steve Adler took the idea to council members and local leaders of the Black Lives…

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Minneapolis Leaders Introduce ‘What Can Possibly Go Wrong?’ Bill To Eliminate Police

MINNESOTA – Calling it the ‘What Can Possibly Go Wrong?’ crime bill, Minneapolis council members have introduced a proposal that would eliminate their city’s police force. The title of the bill was chosen over ‘Throw the Baby Out With the Bathwater’ in the bill’s final draft. The city is considering various options for the replacement of a police force. Some members of the council are advocating for roaming thugs to police neighborhoods. Others are suggesting having a diverse force that would look something like the cast of characters from Police…

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