Kamala Harris Promises Cure For Resting Bitch Face If Elected


CALIFORNIA – Joe Biden promises to cure cancer. Elizabeth Warren promises to cure the scourge of her American Indian people, smallpox. Bernie Sanders vows to cure capitalism. Beto wants to cure male whiteness. Kamala Harris needed a hook. Now, she has one. “If elected, within my first term, we will rid the country of resting bitch face (RBF),” Harris matter-of-factly told a rally crowd this weekend. “I myself have suffered from that debilitating ailment all of my adult life. So I know first hand that it’s extremely difficult to fake…

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Nike Updates Slogan, Tagline: Just Disrespect It

BEAVERTON – Nike, the Oregon-based athletic apparel and shoe giant, has decided to update its brand. The company just announced that social justice anthem-kneeler Colin Kaepernick will be the face of their 30th anniversary marketing campaign. The campaign centers on alienating millions of loyal customers by disrespecting the American flag, the national anthem, and police officers everywhere. Thus, the new slogan, “Just Disrespect It,” replaces the familiar “Just Do It” that’s known worldwide. In addition to the new slogan, Nike is using the following tagline to go along with it:…

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There’s Wonder Woman – and Then There’s Stunt Woman, Hillary Clinton


INDIA – In her mind, she’s Wonder Woman. But in real life, 2-time presidential loser Hillary Clinton seems to have embraced her new career as a stunt woman. Almost every time she takes a trip (no pun intended) she breaks something on her bitter body. Personal assistant Huma Abedin revealed the truth after Clinton’s latest fall on stairs in India, which resulted in a sprained hand for her – and a ton of laughs for the rest of us. “You wouldn’t know it by looking at her, but she’s a…

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Democrats Demand Trump Start Paying Rent For Living In Their Heads

WASHINGTON – President Trump has been living rent-free in the heads of tens of millions of Democrats for well over a year now, and many are finally saying “enough is enough.” They now want reparations. “As the party of freeloaders, it pains me to say this,” a disturbed Senate Minority leader Chuck Schumer said on Saturday, “But if he’s going to live here 24/7, he needs to pay up.” Schumer was unsure when asked what he thought a fair price for head-space rental might be. Socialist Bernie Sanders admitted, “I…

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The New Hillary Clinton – Rapper, Poet, Comedian


SAN FRANCISCO – Speaking to a women’s business group yesterday, recently-freed-from-the-wilds Hillary Clinton workshopped her clever new mantra for 2017. She delighted the audience with jokes, rhymes, and card tricks (race card, sexist card, etc.). The highlight of the performance speech was when Hillary broke into a rap – accompanied by a sick beat – and unveiled her new empowering motto, titled “Resist, Insist, Persist, Enlist.” The women attending the speech thought it was the most profound thing they had ever heard.   Mrs. Clinton admitted she had worked on…

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Democrats’ Knees Continue to Jerk, No Cure in Sight

WASHINGTON – Due to extreme, overused knee-jerking on issue after issue, doctors are reporting a steep increase each year in knee problems from their patients who identify as Democrats. Sadly, the ailment is NOT covered by Obamacare. Dr. Bernard Ackerman, an orthopedic specialist at MedStar Washington Hospital Center, described two very recent cases for us: “Just in the last 24 hours, we’ve seen numerous knee injuries from unnecessary knee-jerk reactions following the incident on the Ohio State University campus. In that case, a Somali refugee used his car and a…

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“Drug-Fueled” Kaine and Disabled Ticket Takes Hit After VP Debate

VIRGINIA – After watching the Vice-Presidential debate on Tuesday, one thing was clear – Tim Kaine must have been on something. He was up and down and all over the place. And that was just his eyebrows. Kaine came off, even to many in his own party, as manic, hyper, out of control. He interrupted opponent Mike Pence 57 times during the 90-minute debate, causing most on social media to declare Pence the easy winner. No one knows what Kaine might have been cruising on. Was it lidoKaine, benzoKaine, novoKaine,…

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Huma Abedin: “Muslim Faith Helped Me Hold On To My Weiner”

CLEVELAND – After wrapping up a campaign event here for her boss, presidential candidate Hillary Clinton, Huma Abedin told reporters that it was her Muslim faith that saw her through rocky times with her idiot husband, professional sexter Anthony Weiner. “Truly, the only way I was able to hold on to my weiner during those turbulent times was holding fast to my faith. My religious leaders acknowledged that what Anthony did to me was a dick move, but if I ever wanted to be intimate with my weiner again, it…

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Trump Drops Border Wall Talk: “We’ll Use Lasers”


NEW YORK – Presidential candidate Donald Trump has updated his vision for solving America’s illegal immigration problem. Trump has been criticized for his talk about constructing a tall wall along the southern border with Mexico. He’s now thinking a little more futuristic. “Lasers, that’s what we’ll use,” the billionaire said. “A wall will look dated and unattractive years from now. And we have the technology to go high-tech in addressing this problem. I believe it would be more cost effective to use an array of lasers, linked together, to form…

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Pantsuit Industry Nervous About Prospects of Hillary Loss

BANGLADESH – Speaking through an interpreter, the owner of a textile factory in this South Asian country spoke to us about the nervousness those in the third-world, pantsuit sweatshop industry are feeling should Hillary Clinton lose her bid for the US presidency this November. “It would be devastating for our workers. Nobody else wears that crap. If she wins, and beats Mr. Trump, we’re golden for at least the next four years. But, God forbid she should lose, the ripples throughout our pantsuit industry would be far-reaching.” “It’s true that…

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