Trump Drops Border Wall Talk: “We’ll Use Lasers”

lasers

NEW YORK – Presidential candidate Donald Trump has updated his vision for solving America’s illegal immigration problem. Trump has been criticized for his talk about constructing a tall wall along the southern border with Mexico. He’s now thinking a little more futuristic. “Lasers, that’s what we’ll use,” the billionaire said. “A wall will look dated and unattractive years from now. And we have the technology to go high-tech in addressing this problem. I believe it would be more cost effective to use an array of lasers, linked together, to form…

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Pantsuit Industry Nervous About Prospects of Hillary Loss

BANGLADESH – Speaking through an interpreter, the owner of a textile factory in this South Asian country spoke to us about the nervousness those in the third-world, pantsuit sweatshop industry are feeling should Hillary Clinton lose her bid for the US presidency this November. “It would be devastating for our workers. Nobody else wears that crap. If she wins, and beats Mr. Trump, we’re golden for at least the next four years. But, God forbid she should lose, the ripples throughout our pantsuit industry would be far-reaching.” “It’s true that…

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Latino Group Gives Hillary “Four Pendejos” For Email Lies

Hillary pendejo

LAS VEGAS – Politicians are known for lying to us, but Hillary Clinton lies to the point of insanity. Her latest effort has caused the Latino Bikers for Trump group (LBT) to give her “4 Pendejos” for thinking she’s telling the truth about her email debacle. Fact checking publications routinely give politicians 1-4 “Pinocchios” for a misstatement of fact, awarding a “1” for mild spin, to “4 Pinocchios” for full-blown making crap up that you can’t possibly believe the public is going to buy. On Fox News this past weekend,…

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Recap of Democratic National Convention – ICYMI

dnc convention

PHILLY – For those who may have missed the splendor of the Democratic National Convention, here is a recap of highlights from the event: Monday – The convention was kicked off on Monday with a partial-birth abortion on the stage. The unknown baby was sacrificed to the election gods as Planned Parenthood’s Cecile Richards and delegates danced and chanted, hoping (but not praying) the gods will smile on their candidate on November 8. Many in attendance were distressed over emails made public by WikiLeaks, showing Debbie Wasserman-Schultz, and others within…

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Hillary Promises to Thank Bernie-Bots for Being “Useful Idiots”

Hillary Clinton, Bernie Sanders

PHILLY – In a move designed to bring unity to the party, Hillary Clinton’s campaign has leaked to the media that Mrs. Clinton does plan to at least thank Bernie Sanders’s supporters for serving as very dutiful “useful idiots” in her march to the presidency. Early rumors were that Hillary planned to ignore the Bernie-bots, hoping they would go away. Since they won’t, she believes a quick thank you will go a long way toward healing the anger caused by email revelations that the game was rigged in her favor…

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Hand Gestures Reveal Donald Trump’s Past Occupations

CLEVELAND – A body language expert has used their scientific analysis to determine Donald Trump’s hidden, past job history – based solely on his hand gestures. Following the conclusion of the Republican National Convention, where he accepted his party’s nomination for President, the expert revealed their findings to MSNBC’s Rachel Maddow. The analyst studied footage of Trump on the campaign trail this year, as well as his performance at the convention. Beverly Swanson, a body language expert from UC-Berkeley, told Maddow, “It’s very clear from my research that Mr. Trump…

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