Kim Tells North Koreans Trump Stood Him Up

PINGPONG – Like a chubby kid whose prom date never showed, North Korean dictator Kim Jong-Un dejectedly announced to his people today that he had been stood up by the American president. President Trump said today that he’ll be a no-show at the planned get-together between the two leaders on June 12 in Singapore. “Did he get a better offer?” Kim asked, speaking through tears. A trusted general in Kim’s inner circle leaned over and said, “Maybe he’s just not that into you, Mr. Chairman…” Kim immediately had the general…

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Dems Outraged Trump UN Speech Contained No Bowing, Apologies

NEW YORK – Hospitals nationwide reported a surge in hyperventilation cases being presented by progressives and democrats after President Trump referred to North Korean dictator Kim Jong-un as “Rocket Man.” But they were upset by so much more. The following are some of the criticisms voiced by various pundits and Democrats immediately following the president’s address to the United Nations today: 17 year-old former White House spokesboy Josh Earnest – “The president’s speech was foolish, incoherent, and very unObama-like.” CNN contributor David Gergen – “I didn’t see a single bow…

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Democrats Demand Trump Start Paying Rent For Living In Their Heads

WASHINGTON – President Trump has been living rent-free in the heads of tens of millions of Democrats for well over a year now, and many are finally saying “enough is enough.” They now want reparations. “As the party of freeloaders, it pains me to say this,” a disturbed Senate Minority leader Chuck Schumer said on Saturday, “But if he’s going to live here 24/7, he needs to pay up.” Schumer was unsure when asked what he thought a fair price for head-space rental might be. Socialist Bernie Sanders admitted, “I…

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Incident at White House Leaves Obama’s Legacy in Pieces

legacy

WASHINGTON – An explosion took place around 1:30 am this morning at the White House and, when President Obama went to investigate, he realized his legacy had been blown to pieces. The president was sleeping when a loud boom sent he and his security detail racing to the Oval Office. According to Secret Service personnel, “It was a mess. Parts of the president’s legacy were on the walls, everywhere. One of our agents threw up at the sight of it. The president is understandably in shock. I don’t think there’s…

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