Officials Announce New ‘Social Justice Distancing’ Rules For Woke Protesters

social justice distancing

SEATTLE – We’re all familiar with ‘social distancing’ guidelines. Now, there are also ‘social justice distancing’ guidelines for the woke among us. City leaders here have outlined new rules for progressive protesters and looters, to keep them safe in the Covid-19 age. According to a press release on Friday, “If you’re around people in normal situations, the 6′ distance is still optimal between you and others. However, liberal scientists have told us that tests reveal the coronavirus doesn’t spread as easily when faced with social justice. If you’re a woke…

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DC Restaurants to Start Offering Protesting/Non-Protesting Seating Areas

WASHINGTON – It used to be smoking or non-smoking. These days, however, restaurants in the nation’s capitol will soon be offering protesting or non-protesting seating areas. It’s a test program for now, but will be rolled out to other cities run by Democrats if successful. Some DC-area restaurant owners say that getting screamed at while trying to enjoy your meal only adds to the Washington dining experience. Customers in protesting sections will be serenaded with shouted chants, usually no longer than five or six words. That’s the highest number of…

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Leftists Outraged Over Mob Label, Prefer Calling Activists Flash Mobs

ATLANTA – Media types, especially those at CNN, can’t bear to hear of Antifa-types being labeled as ‘mobs.’ Besides, just because a group of hateful people walks like a mob, and talks like a mob, doesn’t mean it’s a mob. Right? “I don’t like the ‘M’ word. I prefer to refer to them as flash mobs,” CNN’s Brooke Baldwin admitted. “They’re just a bunch of people who spontaneously decide to harass, attack, and fight Trump supporters. A true mob would be made up of a bunch of angry people suddenly…

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Constant Liberal Butthurt Has Created a Permanent Protester Class


The Church of the Perpetually Offended has spawned a new cult – the permanent, professional protester class. The cult is made up of people who have nothing better to do, especially when they aren’t getting their way on the issues of the day. Following the liberal butthurt exhibited after the November elections, and their religion of Liberalism being rejected at all levels of government, many have decided to become protesters. It looks great on a resume, doesn’t it? Bobby Watson, an on-call protester from Chicago, says he goes wherever the…

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Women Granted Right to Wear Giant Vaginas After Women’s March

WASHINGTON – In a major victory for the rights of progressive women – women who demanded the right to walk around as giant vaginas in public after last weekend’s Women’s March, President Trump signed an executive order today, granting women the right to do just that. Many, many feminists paraded around in over-sized vaginas at the march, but many complain they can’t walk around at their child’s school, the grocery store, or the mall wearing their favorite costume. Now they can. And while no conservative woman in her right mind…

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Inauguration Disrupters Vow to Win Every Staring Contest to Protest Trump


WASHINGTON – Just days ahead of Donald Trump’s inauguration, many anti-Trump activist groups are making threats about how they plan to protest and disrupt this weekend’s ceremonies. Many protesters know they may face arrest, bodily injury, or worse. But they don’t care. One of the most lethal tactics the protesters plan to employ is the staring contest. Thousands of members of activist organizations from Black Lives Matter to Planned Parenthood say they plan to launch a barrage of staring contests against police and other security personnel. Pookie Brown Jr., a…

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Global Whining Over Trump Victory Reaching Tipping Point

GENEVA – A new survey of world leaders, American university students, Democrats, and Hollywood celebrities reveals that the crisis known as “global whining” over the recent victory by Donald Trump to become the next American president, may be close to reaching the point of no return. “There may soon be no hope for many of these people,” the survey researchers explained. “Global whining is one of the most serious threats facing the United States at this time, and we fear the butthurt by the losers who are protesting, rioting, committing…

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Anti-Trump 5K Fun Walks Take Place in Major US Cities

OAKLAND – In a concerted effort to get into better shape for the 2020 presidential election, thousands of anti-Trump protesters gathered in at least 7 US cities to participate in loosely monitored 5K Fun Walks. The events were sponsored by bitter billionaire George Soros who, ironically, is too chicken-shit to walk in one of his races. Participants carried anti-Trump signs, and burned American flags, as they strolled leisurely block after city block up streets in Seattle, New York City, Chicago, Philadelphia, Boston, and a few other large cities. There are…

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