Tornado Biden: Worst Destruction I’ve Seen Since Helen Hunt and Bill Paxton Played Twister

twister

KENTUCKY – After being convinced by staff that he hadn’t been transported to Oz, President Biden toured tornado-ravaged Kentucky today. The destruction is devastating. And reporters noted that Joe seemed overwhelmed by what he saw. “Folks, what I’ve seen today is hard to put into words. I’ve been to many disaster sites over my last century in politics. But this one is especially bad. I’ve been trying to think of how to convey just how bad the destruction here is. Do you all remember a climate documentary from the ’90’s…

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WH On Buttigieg Paternity Leave: Pete’s Recovering From Episiotomy After Difficult Adoption

paternity

WASHINGTON – The White House acknowledged today that Transportation Secretary Pete Buttigieg has been on paternity leave for two months. Meanwhile, America’s logistics system is a mess, and getting worse. Biden mouthpiece Jen Psaki updated reporters today on the situation. “As many of you know, Secretary Buttigieg and his husband recently welcomed two children into their family. However, it was a difficult adoption, and that’s why Pete has been on paternity leave the past 2 months. Unfortunately, because he’s kind of a wuss, doctors had to perform an episiotomy on…

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Biden Wonders Why People So Upset About A Haitian Rodeo

Haitian rodeo

WASHINGTON – President Joke Biden seemed confused today after photos of a US Border Patrol agent wrangling a Haitian border crosser went viral. The officer is on horseback, and appears to be trying to corral a wild Haitian. “I don’t see what all the hubbub is about,” said Biden. “Looks like a good ole-fashioned Haitian rodeo to me. What’s wrong with that?” His spokesgirl Jen Psaki addressed his position to reporters. “While I, Vice President Harris, and many on the Left, are faking outrage over these images of made-up cruelty,…

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Kamala Harris Returns After Presenting Keys To Afghanistan To Taliban Leaders

keys to Afghanistan

WASHINGTON – Vice President Kamala Harris triumphantly returned from Afghanistan today, where she presented the keys to the country to leaders of the Taliban. The informal ceremony is being hailed as another foreign policy victory by spokesgal Jen Psaki. “Last night, VP Harris tossed oversized keys from a low-flying aircraft as it flew over a complex housing Taliban leadership. The large keys are merely a symbol and will not fit any actual locks anywhere in Afghanistan. I want to make that very clear to media outlets, just so there is…

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At Last Minute, Biden Nixes ‘Get The Shot Or Get Shot’ Vaccine Program

get the shot

WASHINGTON – Americans may have just dodged a bullet. President Biden decided against a vaccine program his people wanted, and he made the decision just before delivering a pleading speech to the masses. According to spokesgal Jen Psaki, “The president decided not to move forward with a ‘Get the Shot or Get Shot’ vaccine program that many of us wanted. A majority in the White House believe the unvaccinated deserve a choice. Get the shot….or eat lead. That’s pretty straightforward. We think most would choose Pfizer over Smith & Wesson.…

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Psaki: Door-To-Door Vaccine Gestapo May Also Check Your Facebook Page For Disinformation

disinformation

WASHINGTON – Biden spokesgal Jen Psaki clarified remarks she made the other day regarding social media platforms doing the administration’s bidding. Psaki previously said the White House was telling Facebook to ban whatever content they deem to be disinformation or “problematic.” Today, Jen elaborated on their plan. “We don’t expect Facebook to be able to catch every post we deem offensive or inaccurate. So what we are considering, is having our door-to-door vaccine gestapo also check your Facebook page while they’re there. It won’t be intrusive or anything. When our…

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Biden Considering Adding Vaccine To Girl Scout Cookies In Door-To-Door Push

door-to-door

WASHINGTON – Joe Biden wants to start a door-to-door campaign to get more Americans vaccinated. As part of his administration’s brilliant scheme, the Girl Scouts of America are being consulted as vaccine pushers. Slipping the vaccine into cookies may be an easy way to dupe those resistant to getting jabbed. Spokesgal Jen Psaki explained the idea to members of the press. “Who doesn’t love Girl Scout cookies?” she asked with a smile. “So if we can slip a small amount of the vaccine into cookies that are sold to the…

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Joe Biden Signs Exec Order Barring Ghosts From Owning Guns

WASHINGTON – President Joe Biden today signed an executive order effectively banning any ghost from owning a gun. During his speech, he said there is an epidemic of gun violence, and laid the blame at the feet of the paranormal. “We can all agree that ghosts are scary,” the president announced. “And we can all agree that guns are scary. But the only thing scarier is a ghost with a gun. So today, I am signing an EO that will target the sales of ghost guns. My action will make…

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Biden: Texans Can Achieve Unity By Huddling Together For Warmth

WASHINGTON – President Joe Biden always says he’s going to bring America together. The so-called Great Healing. He has no ideas on how to make that a reality, but that never matters. But as millions of Texans shiver through another frigid day without power and water, Biden sees an angle. He says that Texans being forced to huddle together just to keep warm is promoting unity. “When you’re freezing your balls off, you don’t care if the people next to you, keeping you warm, are Republicans or Democrats,” Joe told…

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