Biden Administration Secretly Working On Car That Runs On Blame

run on blame

WASHINGTON – President Biden today announced that his administration is working feverishly on a new vehicle that will run on “blame.” Blame is something that is always in abundant supply in Joe’s White House. And despite his miserable poll numbers in every area, Americans give Biden a 96% approval rating on his ability to always blame someone else. There are many problems in the country right now. So far, Biden has attacked each one with pious rhetoric. Surprisingly, none of his words have solved a single problem to date. So…

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WH Giving Mops, Buckets To Psaki, Others For Cleaning Up After Biden Speeches

cleaning up

WASHINGTON – Every time President Biden makes a speech, there’s a ‘clean up on aisle 46’ needed. Joe says whatever Joe says and then his communications team has to come out and clean up his mess. Jen Psaki is basically his janitor at this point. Biden’s latest mess is calling for regime change in Russia. Speaking about Putin, the president said “For God’s sake, this man cannot remain in power.” So now, the White House has handed out mops, buckets, and cleaning supplies for Psaki and friends to use when…

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Biden Angered By Continued Russian Hostilities, Thought Last Week Was Spring Break

spring break

ON A DELAWARE BEACH – President Biden was visibly angry after hearing Russia was continuing to bombard Ukraine while he vacationed. “Come on, man! It’s Spring Break! Putin knows that. Don’t they have Spring Break in Russia? Go to the beach, Vlad. Chill, baby!” “I came here to unwind and thought Putin would pause hostilities for Spring Break,” Joe told reporters. “I guess he’s taking this whole WW3 thing more seriously than I am. Oh wait! It’s not spring over there, is it? Jill? Anybody know? Seems like in the…

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SOTU Biden: We’ll Have To Go Back To Masking If Putin Launches Nukes

nukes

WASHINGTON – Miraculously, masks are no longer needed at President Biden’s State of the Union speech. Dr. Anthony Fauci says Biden’s words and intentions have defeated the coronavirus. However, the world has a new virus to be worried about – Vladimir Putin. The Russian virus has been alluding to using nukes against those who defend Ukraine, as he tries to takeover that country. President Biden was asked by reporters if Americans should be concerned about a nuclear attack. Biden said “No” and walked away. The American people breathed a collective…

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So Far, Biden’s ‘Sanction Grenades’ Are Failing To Stop Putin’s Invasion Of Ukraine

Ukraine

WASHINGTON – Joe Biden believes the sanction is mightier than the sword. He believes a well-placed sanction is deadlier than any military weapon. Russia doesn’t know who they’re tangling with in Biden, do they? The US president urged the world to give his ‘sanction grenades’ a “month or so” to maybe work. Biden reminded the poor citizens of Ukraine today that he’s a tough guy. And he’s not afraid to sanction the hell out of Russia. “I will unleash my entire arsenal of sanctions on Putin and his military, at…

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Biden Expects Gas Prices To Drop After 2024 With Republican President

gas prices

WASHINGTON – American president Joe Biden doesn’t care about your high gas prices. And they’re going to go higher thanks to his bungling of the Russia-Ukraine mess. But in a speech to the nation today, Biden said there was light at the end of the tunnel. “We need to be honest,” the president said. “Energy prices are going to keep going up, because I don’t know how to bring them down. Also, I don’t have the time or the energy to deal with Putin. Hell, I was 83 minutes late…

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Biden Warns Russia That Invading Troops Better Be Masked Or Hell To Pay

invading

WASHINGTON – President Biden had an intense, hour-long phone call with Russia’s President Putin yesterday. Biden warned the Red Menace they’d better be masked and vaxxed before invading Ukraine. The US president insisted it was just a matter of common courtesy. “Look, we’re on the tail end of this covid….you know, the thing,” Joe told reporters. “But I told President Putin that allowing unmasked, unvaxxed soldiers to invade Ukraine could set us back months if the invasion turned out to be a super-spreader event. That’s a scenario even my military…

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Biden Threatens He’ll Send Obama To Tell Putin To ‘Knock It Off’ If He Misbehaves

SWITZERLAND – Russia was put in its place yesterday by US President Joe Biden. The president met with Russia’s President Putin where he drew fuschia-colored lines in the sand on issues that Biden said were off limits. According to reports, Biden took no malarkey from Putin. In fact, he left the top Russian with a list of things not to launch cyber-attacks against. Among the 16 items on Biden’s ‘do not hack’ list: DNC computers, son Hunter’s laptop, and top-secret files related to Kamala’s sneaker budget. Joe told reporters he…

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MSNBC’s Chris Matthews Appalled by Trump/Putin Manspreading Display

manspreading

NEW YORK – Everyone is in agreement that “manspreading” is the biggest challenge facing mankind, probably since the centuries-old problem of not being able to find men’s dress shirts that look good untucked. Thank God, the owner of UNTUCKit has alleviated the latter. So it was no surprise that MSNBC host Chris Matthews couldn’t get past what he saw during this week’s G20 summit meeting between President Trump and Russia’s President Putin. Matthews felt the need to “mansplain” the incident: “See how both men are spreading their legs open, as…

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Trump, Putin Engage in Feats of Strength at G20 Summit Meeting

HAMBURG – In the much-anticipated meeting between President Trump and Russian President Putin at the G20 summit held this week, no one was sure whether the two would bond or not. However, it appears that Putin has much more respect for Trump than he did for former girly-man President Obama. Trump and Putin engaged in a “feats of strength” contest after a cordial meeting for the cameras. The two then met for over two hours, as the men tried to impress the other. First up was arm wrestling. Trump took…

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