Poll: Democrats Rate Chants As Biggest Threat To Mankind

chants

NORTH CAROLINA – Following President Trump’s latest rally here, new polling of Democratic voters suggests that ‘chants’ are now the number one threat against every living creature on the planet. Chants of “Send her back!” by the rally crowd sent Socialist Democrats into all-out panic mode. The chant was referring to anti-American congresswoman Ilhan Omar’s past remarks, but the Party and media decided it was based instead on racial bias. According to a Gallup flash poll taken after the rally, ‘chants’ have surpassed climate chaos as the main issue that…

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Trump Closes Michigan Rally With Tribute To Ted Nugent

Michigan

GRAND RAPIDS – The raucous crowd attending President Trump’s rally last night were treated to a surprise concert to close the event, when the president paid tribute to Michigan rocker and MAGA supporter Ted Nugent. After hitting all the right political notes, Trump delighted his audience by performing a number of the Motor City Madman’s hits. The president performed his versions of Nugent classics such as Stranglehold, Free-For-All, Dog Eat Dog, Wang Dang Sweet Poontang, Stormtroopin’, Wango Tango, and Cat Scratch Fever. Details are sketchy as to whether Uncle Ted…

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Willie Nelson Releases Song List For Beto O’Rourke Rally

willie

AUSTIN – Music legend Willie Nelson has never performed a free concert in support of a political candidate. Until now. He’s chosen to break his streak with a concert in support of socialist Texas senate candidate, Beto O’Rourke. O’Rourke will face Senator Ted Cruz in November’s midterm election. Nelson has performed at fundraisers for past political candidates like Wendy Davis and Dennis Kucinich, but this one will be free and open to the public. Willie will perform for all who come out to Lady Bird Lake and sit amongst the…

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CNN Furious After Trump Calls MSNBC Bottom of Fake News Barrel

ATLANTA – CNN personalities are furious after President Trump called MSNBC “the worst of all” when it comes to fake news outlets. His comments took place at a rally this weekend. It was bad enough for the network when Trump supporters made CNN reporter Jim Acosta cry at the event. Now this. Their bad weekend got worse when the president gave the worst news outlet title to MSNBC instead. CNN has long prided itself on being the leader in fake news, and their ratings bear out that fact. But the…

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Hillary Hangs With Her Homies, Pimps, Bitches, Jay-Z and Beyonce

CLEVELAND – Proving she’s the hippest grandma ever to seek the presidency, Hillary Clinton held a campaign rally where she hung out with her very close homies, Jay-Z and Beyonce. After pumping up the crowd with a barrage of f-bombs and n-words from the music superstars, Hillary addressed the supporters in her usual, screeching manner: “Oh, thank you, thank you! I have so enjoyed having Usher and Bounce here to entertain us all tonight (strange looks from Jay-Z and Beyonce). I’ve been a big fan of rap music since I…

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Hillary Plans to Eliminate Coughing for All Americans If Elected

NEW YORK – During a rally for millennials today, admitted coughaphobe Hillary Clinton vowed to end coughing, once and for all, for all Americans if she makes it into the White House. The promise follows her other vows to eliminate college tuition, eliminate childcare expenses, eliminate guns, and eliminate Republicans. “As many of you know, I’ve never been a fan of coughing,” Clinton told the enthusiastic crowd. “Oh sure, doctors will tell you that a cough is healthy. That’s it’s expelling a foreign substance that your body is rejecting. But…

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