Supreme Court Retirement Sends Shingles Up Chris Matthews’ Leg

shingles

MSNBC – As news of Supreme Court Justice Anthony Kennedy’s retirement came across the MSNBC fake news desk – along with the realization that President Trump will get to pick his replacement – host Chris Matthews said he felt shingles running up his leg. “As the reality of this moment in our nation’s history sunk in,” Matthews stated, “I felt this intense, itching rash running up my leg. It was completely different from the tingle Obama gave me. This time, there were fluid-filled blisters involved. It was disgusting. “And the…

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Congressman Conyers’ Pastor: I Said Put Hands Up ‘High,’ Not Thigh

Conyers

DETROIT – Even the biggest gropers in our society know not to grope in church. Most of them know, anyway. Representative John Conyers, congressman from Detroit since the Middle Ages, has a new accuser who says he put his hand up her skirt during a church service. Conyers’ pastor wondered if the congressman may be hard of hearing. “I remember that sermon, and I clearly said to the congregation, ‘If the spirit moves you to, put your hands up high,’ not ‘put your hands up thigh.’ Personally, I don’t see…

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Obama Retirement: “I’ll Take Time to Reflect on What Americans Did Wrong”

reflect

WASHINGTON – As President Obama gives his “exit” interviews before leaving office in January, he’s been asked what some of the first things he plans on doing are, once he’s settled in his Washington D.C. mansion. As the modest man he’s always been, Obama said he’s going to do some deep introspection and reflect for a while, before writing a book. “I’m going to do two things, primarily. First, I’ll spend a great deal of time looking at myself. Our new place in DC is being fitted with wall-to-wall, floor-to-ceiling…

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