Amid Allegations, Dustin Hoffman Banned From Ever Making Alabama Senate Run

MONTGOMERY – Civic leaders throughout Alabama are reacting tonight to allegations of sexual misconduct by Hollywood actor Dustin Hoffman, who is being accused of making unwanted sexual advances to several young women – including one who was a teenager at the time. The charges mean that Hoffman, 80, will never be allowed to run for an Alabama senate seat, no matter how badly he might want to. Newly-elected senator Dougie Jones said the state cannot handle another Roy Moore fiasco. State politicians admitted they’ll have to keep a sharp eye…

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Conyers, Franken to Lead Congressional Committees of Perverse Politicians

Conyers

WASHINGTON – Self-anointed ladies men, Michigan congressman John Conyers and Minnesota senator Al Franken, have been picked to head the newly created (but much needed) Congressional Committees of Perverse Politicians (CCPP). Conyers will serve as the top Democrat on the House side, while Franken will preside over gropers in the Senate. Conyers, known for taking meetings with staffers in his underwear, says the committees will focus on teaching members of both parties how to spin accusations, smear accusers, and write pretend apologies so they can weather bad press but keep…

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Dems Offer Reward For Anyone Finding Their Moral Authority

WASHINGTON – Democratic Party chair Tom Perez has posted an ad in the DC classifieds offering a reward to anyone who knows the whereabouts of the party’s moral authority. Unaware that Democrats lost their moral authority during the Clinton-Lewinsky years of the 1990’s, Perez is hoping someone out there can shed light on its current location. “I’m actually a little embarrassed,” Perez admitted. “We’ve been acting holier than thou when we slam Republicans about their alleged scandals, while looking the other way at misdeeds committed by our own, but I…

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