WH Giving Mops, Buckets To Psaki, Others For Cleaning Up After Biden Speeches

cleaning up

WASHINGTON – Every time President Biden makes a speech, there’s a ‘clean up on aisle 46’ needed. Joe says whatever Joe says and then his communications team has to come out and clean up his mess. Jen Psaki is basically his janitor at this point. Biden’s latest mess is calling for regime change in Russia. Speaking about Putin, the president said “For God’s sake, this man cannot remain in power.” So now, the White House has handed out mops, buckets, and cleaning supplies for Psaki and friends to use when…

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So Far, Biden’s ‘Sanction Grenades’ Are Failing To Stop Putin’s Invasion Of Ukraine

Ukraine

WASHINGTON – Joe Biden believes the sanction is mightier than the sword. He believes a well-placed sanction is deadlier than any military weapon. Russia doesn’t know who they’re tangling with in Biden, do they? The US president urged the world to give his ‘sanction grenades’ a “month or so” to maybe work. Biden reminded the poor citizens of Ukraine today that he’s a tough guy. And he’s not afraid to sanction the hell out of Russia. “I will unleash my entire arsenal of sanctions on Putin and his military, at…

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VP Harris Asks Biden To Stop Giving Her Such Hard Assignments

assignments

MUNICH – Vice President Kamala Harris is absolutely tired of being given hard assignments from President Biden. The VP is currently masquerading as someone who has a grasp of foreign policy, but fooling no one. She keeps using big words like “absolutely” to impress other leaders. But since failing after each job she’s been given as VP, Harris is tired of the charade. “When they told me I was being picked for VP because of my color and my vagina, they didn’t tell me I was going to have to…

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Biden Warns Russia That Invading Troops Better Be Masked Or Hell To Pay

invading

WASHINGTON – President Biden had an intense, hour-long phone call with Russia’s President Putin yesterday. Biden warned the Red Menace they’d better be masked and vaxxed before invading Ukraine. The US president insisted it was just a matter of common courtesy. “Look, we’re on the tail end of this covid….you know, the thing,” Joe told reporters. “But I told President Putin that allowing unmasked, unvaxxed soldiers to invade Ukraine could set us back months if the invasion turned out to be a super-spreader event. That’s a scenario even my military…

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Russia Threatens To Invade Ukraine Unless Spotify Cancels Joe Rogan

Joe Rogan

MOSCOW – Everybody’s favorite threat this month is to demand Spotify cancel Joe Rogan or they’ll do something. Mostly, it’s been musical dinosaurs threatening the music service with pulling their song catalogs from the platform. All because they say podcaster Joe Rogan is spreading disinformation about Covid-19. The most recent threats have come from Dr. Neil Young, formerly of the clinic named ‘Dr.’s Crosby, Stills, Nash and Young.’ Also, Dr. Barry Manilow, Dr. Peter Frampton, and Dr. Joni Mitchell have demanded Rogan be silenced. We believe they’re doctors because they…

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Democrats Enter Insanity Plea in Lawsuit Against Trump, Russia, Wikileaks

WASHINGTON – In a political head-scratcher this week, the Democratic Party filed a lawsuit against President Trump’s 2016 campaign, the country of Russia, and Wikileaks. The suit accuses the three entities of colluding to make Hillary Clinton suck so bad that she lost the election. Shortly after filing the lawsuit, spearheaded by DNC chair Tom Perez, the party entered a plea of insanity for itself. Typically, a defendant would be the one entering an insanity plea in a case, but this is the Democratic Party of 2018. Perez said in…

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CNN Anchors Admit They Just Like Saying Words “Collusion,” “Dossier”

dossier

ATLANTA – Numerous CNN personalities have admitted off-camera that they understand there is really no evidence of cooperation between Russia and the Trump campaign during the 2016 election cycle. They just really like saying the words “collusion” and “dossier” (doss-i-eh). Alisyn Camerota explained, “I especially like the word ‘dossier.’ It makes me feel European and sophisticated. I even feel like I should be sticking my pinky finger out when I pronounce it! To be honest, I don’t even know what it means, but I read what they put on the…

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CNN Viewers Confused: “Is Russia Story BS or a Big Nothing-Burger?”

nothing-burger

ATLANTA – CNN is having a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad week. And their viewers are too. Undercover videos, released by Project Veritas this week, have shown a CNN producer calling the Trump/Russia story “bullsh*t.” Meanwhile, network contributor Van Jones calls the story “just a big nothing-burger.” CNN’s viewers are left scratching their heads. “Well, which is it?” viewer Brett Kaufman asked. “If the next person comes out and says ‘there’s no there, there,’ I’m going to kick somebody’s can down the road. I won’t know what the hell…

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Attorney General Sessions’ Russian Bombshell: “I Enjoyed Rocky IV”

Russian

WASHINGTON – In a bombshell report by the press wizards at CNN, audio has been uncovered showing just how deep the connection is between Attorney General Jeff Sessions and his involvement with Russia. In a 1990 interview, Sessions admitted he was a fan of Rocky IV. “I enjoyed Rocky IV and the epic battle between the Italian Stallion and Ivan Drago, the Russian fighting machine,” Sessions told a reporter. “The way Rocky pulled off a ‘David vs. Goliath’ win, during those Cold War days, was just what America needed at…

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Fly on Hillary’s Face During Debate Sent by Russia’s Putin

ST. LOUIS – Those watching the second presidential debate noticed a fly land on Hillary Clinton’s face, just as the candidate was delivering another round of bullsh*t to the audience with her answer to a question. Robby Mook, Clinton’s annoying, 15 year-old campaign manager, said he believes the fly landing was the work of Russians. “Everybody knows Putin and the Russians will stop at nothing to see Hillary defeated. Not even Trump could have pulled this stunt off.” The stealth fly, still on the loose tonight, landed just above Hillary’s…

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