Elizabeth Warren’s DNA Test Reveals She’s 82.6% Liar

dna

MASSACHUSETTS – Using the DNA test from genetic profiling company 23andMeCherokee, Senator Elizabeth Warren released results that shed light on her ancestry. Warren has insisted she’s got Native American heritage in her bloodline. However, recently submitted DNA tests prove she likely has less Native American heritage than the average white woman in America today. Daniel Farraday, a geneticist with 23andMeCherokee, revealed, “The closest we could come to pinning down any real Indian connection to Mrs. Warren was that we believe her great-great-great-great grandfather may have met a Cherokee tribe member when the…

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MSNBC’s Velshi Tries To Flag Down A Few Viewers For Show

NEW YORK – MSNBC host Ali Velshi tried frantically this week to get the attention of anybody that might have any interest at all in a little show he does with co-host Stephanie Ruhle. Judging by the ratings, Velshi’s antics fell way short. Ali waved his arms wildly, inadvertently slapping Ruhle in the face several times, and waking her up from her on-air nap during the show. Ruhle opened her eyes slightly, but never lost her normal, resting bitch face expression. “I was just trying to get anyone who may…

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Socialist Ocasio-Cortez Demands Free Tuition To Electoral College

tuition

NEW YORK – Democratic socialist Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez said this weekend that the Electoral College should not be exempt from the push for free tuition to all colleges and universities. “Students should have the right to attend any college they wish – tuition free – and that includes the Electoral College,” Cortez told a town hall crowd. Democrats in the audience cheered her proposal. “Of course, I don’t, like, really know how things actually work in the real world.” Hillary Clinton has called for the Electoral College to be torn down.…

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Midterms: Registered Democrats to Receive Torches, Pitchforks After Voting

pitchforks

WASHINGTON – Forget those “I Voted” stickers that voters are usually offered after casting their ballot. They’re so 2016. This November, voting Democrats will each receive torches and pitchforks as they exit polling places. The Democratic National Committee announced Sunday that the giveaway will help Democrats be ready to join their local rage mob if midterm election results do not go their way. However, DNC chairman Tom Perez stressed that voters will have to provide their own fire starter and/or kerosene. “We can’t afford to supply everything,” Perez noted. “In…

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Dems Question Kavanaugh ‘Let It Be Lowenbrau’ Yearbook Comment

yearbook

WASHINGTON – Senate Democrats are still demanding explanations for some cryptic entries contained in Judge Brett Kavanaugh’s high school calendars and yearbooks. Despite a looming vote on his confirmation to the Supreme Court, certain Democrats say questions about Kavanaugh’s past continue to raise red flags for them. Senator Cory Booker wondered, “In May of 1982, the judge wrote ‘Tonight, let it be Lowenbrau.’ Who or what is Lowenbrau? A classmate? A secret party place? He needs to answer this. Is it related to the ‘Devil’s Triangle,’ or a type of…

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Liberal Women Flock to Salons Demanding ‘Disheveled’ Ford Hairstyle

WASHINGTON – Salons around the country are being flooded with appointments from liberal women who now want the disheveled, ‘in your face’ hairstyle sported by Judge Kavanaugh accuser Dr. Christine Blasey Ford. During her Senate testimony recently, Ford’s untamed hair seemed to have a mind of its own. The hairstyle craze is said to be the biggest since Jennifer Aniston’s “The Rachel” back in the 1990’s. Even effeminate, progressive males are booking appointments to get the hot look. #MeToo feminists say benefits of the new hairstyle include repelling men, appearing distressed,…

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Dr. Christine Ford Explains Her Fear of Testiflying

testiflying

WASHINGTON – Many people have a fear of flying, but Dr. Christine Blasey Ford, Judge Brett Kavanaugh’s accuser, suffers from a unique form of this phobia. She is cursed with the fear of “testiflying.” Dr. Ford is allegedly paralyzed with a fear of flying if it involves her traveling to testify about her past. Her lawyers have attested to her affliction. Fortunately, Ford’s fear of flying can be conquered by attaching a sunny destination with beautiful beaches to the end of a flight. “Everyone knows a plane doesn’t crash when…

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Democrats Now Claim Farm Animals Assaulted By Brett Kavanaugh

assaulted

CESSPOOL OF WASH. DC – In their bid to claim Judge Brett Kavanaugh sexually assaulted nearly every living creature as a younger man, Democrats are just getting started. They next plan to out several farm animals they claim Kavanaugh tried to have sex with back in the day. Senator Chuck Schumer is demanding today that the FBI (Farm Bureau of Investigations) conduct a thorough check into these new assault charges. The new allegations center around Goat Boy and several unnamed chicks. The chicks all say they wish to remain anonymous.…

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Kavanaugh Accuser Pens ‘Senate Hearings For Dummies’ Book

PALO ALTO – Christine Blasey Ford, the accuser of President Trump’s supreme court nominee Brett Kavanaugh, has written the latest in the “Dummies” book collection: Senate Hearings for Dummies. She wrote the book during her down time while stalling to commit to testify before the Senate Judiciary Committee. In a bid to stop him from becoming a Justice on the highest court, Ford has accused Kavanaugh of getting handsy at a party in the early ’80’s. Here are a few excerpts from the book: It’s best to not have ANY corroborating…

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Senate Judiciary Agrees to Ford-Kavanaugh Steel Cage Death Match

Ford

WASHINGTON – Saying it’s the only fair way to end the stalemate between Christine Blasey Ford and Judge Brett Kavanaugh, the Senate Judiciary Committee agreed to a winner-take-all steel cage death match between the two. Ford has accused Kavanaugh, a Supreme Court nominee, of getting overly frisky with her 36 years ago. Senator Chuck Grassley told reporters, “I think Brett will take her pretty early on. But to make the match fair, we’re going to allow Ms. Ford to have one of her lawyers (or Senator Dianne Feinstein) present in…

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