Biden Blames Trump, Bourne Supremacy For Recent Mass Shootings

bourne

IOWA – Speaking to campaign crowds, former VP Joe Biden accused President Trump of being responsible for stoking Bourne supremacy with his rhetoric and inspiring two recent mass shootings in America. Many thought Biden meant “white supremacy” in his remarks, but this is Joe Biden we’re talking about. A reporter at the event questioned Obama’s vice president with this exchange: Reporter: Mr. Vice President, when you say ‘Bourne Supremacy’ do you mean to say ‘white supremacy?’ Biden: What did Jason Bourne do to everyone he didn’t like? Reporter: He killed…

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Biden Vows To Make Word ‘Malarkey’ Popular Among Youth Again

DETROIT – In the second Democratic debate this week, 2020 hopeful Joe Biden vowed that one of his first duties as president would be to make the word ‘malarkey’ cool again with the nation’s young people. That’d be just swell. “The word has dropped out of favor, and that’s a shame,” Biden told CNN’s Don Lemon. “I think once kids see how hip I am, they’ll want to start copying me and my coolness. In case you can’t tell, kiddo, I’m really with it.” Biden told Lemon he envisions the…

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New Un-American Airline To Fly America-Hating Dems To Foreign Countries

NEW YORK – President Trump is helping to fund and launch a new carrier that will predominantly relocate American-hating, progressive Democrats to other countries. The new venture will be called Un-American Airlines. Representatives AOC, Ilhan Omar, Rashida Tlaib, and Ayanna Pressley have been offered free, first-class seats on the inaugural flight later this year. Un-American Airlines will cater to those on the radical Left of today’s Democratic Party. All flights will be piloted by illegal aliens. In addition, the entire fleet of aircraft will use racism as fuel because, while…

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Trump Warns Iran: Don’t ‘Go All AOC’ On Me

go all AOC

WASHINGTON – As tensions escalate between the U.S. and Iran, President Trump issued a warning to the rogue regime’s leaders today. He sent out a tweet with stern words for Ali Khamenei, regarding the country’s threats to continue enriching uranium: “Don’t go all AOC on me.” The reference to Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (AOC), the know-it-all freshman congresswoman from New York, is gaining new acceptance. In fact, the American Psychiatric Association has recently adopted the phrase as an acceptable way to refer to a patient who is “acting insane, over-reactive, and melodramatic…

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Mayor Pete: I Will Wipe Out College Student Beer Debt If Elected

FLORIDA – Trying to keep up with all the ways 2020 Democratic hopefuls are promising to wipe out all uncomfortable facets of modern life, Mayor Pete Buttigieg has joined the chorus. Pete wants to pass reparations for all the money college students spent on beer and alcohol during their university days. “Look, Bernie wants to wipe out financial distress with college loan forgiveness. Kamala Harris and Squaw Warren want to wipe out racism by making reparations for slavery and the hard times the white man gave the red man. Hell,…

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Kamala Harris Promises Cure For Resting Bitch Face If Elected

bitch

CALIFORNIA – Joe Biden promises to cure cancer. Elizabeth Warren promises to cure the scourge of her American Indian people, smallpox. Bernie Sanders vows to cure capitalism. Beto wants to cure male whiteness. Kamala Harris needed a hook. Now, she has one. “If elected, within my first term, we will rid the country of resting bitch face (RBF),” Harris matter-of-factly told a rally crowd this weekend. “I myself have suffered from that debilitating ailment all of my adult life. So I know first hand that it’s extremely difficult to fake…

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Mueller: Trump Did Not Not Break Law, Doesn’t Find Him Not Innocent

WASHINGTON – Special Counsel Robert “Muddy” Mueller issued a last, for now, statement on his famous report on Russian collusion and obstruction of justice by the Trump campaign. His statement today made his findings as clear as mud. Waxing on the 14th Amendment to the US Constitution, Mueller reaffirmed that, “In America, a person is presumed innocent unless I can’t not un-exonerate them. Look it up, people. I didn’t make the law up.” “Muddy” then started really making things up. “Under the 71st Amendment, the law provides for a presumption…

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DNC Vows To Cap Number Of 2020 Candidates At 50

candidates

WASHINGTON – Saying they realize they haven’t quite checked off every identity political box that the Left has created with their candidates so far, the Democratic National Committee (DNC) has announced that they will cap the number of possible presidential candidates at 50. “Sadly, we can’t let everybody and their mother compete for a chance to beat President Trump,” DNC head Tom Perez acknowledged. “In fact, Kirsten Gillebrand asked us if she could enter her mom in the race to unseat Trump when she filed her paperwork. We had to…

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Fran Lebowitz Doesn’t Want Trump Murdered By Saudis, Just Dismembered

Lebowitz

NEW YORK – Author Fran Lebowitz, appearing on Bill Maher’s progressive talk show, wished the Saudis would kill President Trump. She hoped the Saudi family would murder him like they did that reporter, Khashoggi. Here’s Fran’s quote: “Whenever I think about this and what he really deserves, I think, we should turn him over to the Saudis, his buddies. The same Saudis who got rid of that reporter. Maybe they could do the same for him.”  However, since she’s a liberal, Lebowitz claims she was misinterpreted. “Look, I didn’t mean…

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