AOC Wants Planes, Trains and Automobiles Outlawed Within 10 Years

planes

BRONX – It’s the Green New Deal. It’s designed to save the planet. It’s the brainchild of a deranged lunatic. And it involves banning all copies of the 1987 movie Planes, Trains and Automobiles for some reason. The lunatic behind the plan? The one and only Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (AOC), the newly-elected socialist who should be in an insane asylum rather than in Congress. Her Green New Deal has the abolition of anything that runs on an engine as its main goal. “This movie is a negative influence in our culture…

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Trump Proposes Literally Building Wall Over Pelosi’s Dead Body

WASHINGTON – Hoping to avoid another shutdown, President Trump today proposed literally building his border wall or barrier directly over Speaker Nancy Pelosi’s dead body. According to his plans, her body would become the cornerstone in any future border structure. “You can tell by looking at her that she probably doesn’t have a lot of time left anyway,” a White House aide admitted. “She’s always threatening the president, saying, ‘You’ll get your border wall over my dead body!’ We’re just offering to take her up on that offer.” The president…

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Good Times: Stacey Abrams To Give State Of Union Rebuttal

Abrams

GEORGIA – Former Good Times actress Stacey Abrams has been tagged to deliver the Democrat Party’s rebuttal to President Trump’s state of the union speech on Tuesday. Abrams, who has been acting since the 1970’s, most recently lost her bid to become the governor of Georgia. Stacey acted under the stage name Esther Rolle on the hit sitcom, is best known these days for her stance that illegal aliens should be allowed to vote in US elections. She cray-cray. She’ll no doubt accuse the president of being a heartless, evil,…

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Nation Mourns Jeff Flake’s ‘No To 2020 Prez Run’ Decision

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ARIZONA – An already divided country is reeling after former senator Jeff Flake officially announced today that he will not be running for president in 2020. Flake announced his decision as it was revealed he has taken a job with CBS News. The new position will mean Jeff will add nothing of value to the network’s offerings, which will be a continuation of his career in Congress. But how does the country move forward after such a shocking development? Millions of Americans live by the creed of WWJD (What would…

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Medical Assn Approves AOC Diagnosis As ‘Diarrhea Of The Mouth’

CHICAGO – Diarrhea of the mouth is kind of a long diagnosis, but so is Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez’s name. So long and annoying that many have started referring to her as simply “AOC.” Now, the Board of Trustees at the American Medical Association have honored the freshman socialist politician with her own affliction. In a vote of 15-6, the board approved adding the diagnosis of AOC in medical textbooks and journals to apply to any patient exhibiting symptoms of “diarrhea of the mouth.” This is an irritating condition, and one in…

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Mackenzie Bezos on Megyn Kelly’s $69 Million Score: That’s Cute

AMAZONIA – When news hit this week that NBC had settled with Megyn Kelly, and agreed to pay her $69 million to be rid of her, the dollar amount was staggering. However, not everybody was impressed. Mackenzie Bezos, the soon-to-be-ex-wife of Amazon founder Jeff Bezos, found the news amusing. “$69 million? With an M?” Bezos asked. “That’s cute. I wish her well. I just don’t know how anybody survives on that amount, to be honest.” Mackenzie prefers to have a B with her illions. She could end up with around…

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Nation Understands Border Issue Better After Beto Dental Cleaning

dental

EL PASO – Robert “Beto” O’Rourke blessed the country today by having his dental hygienist explain the complex border situation during a dental appointment. He live-streamed his appointment on Instagram. Liberals were blown away by the experience. 23-year old Summer Baxter said, “I’ve heard all the oral arguments from both sides about the border security and immigration issues. Not like this, though. You know, from a dentist chair. You can bet I’m going to be finding out what my dental hygienist thinks the solution to climate change is at my…

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Book Excerpt: Michelle Obama’s ‘Twas the Night Before Christmas

night

WASHINGTON – Former First Lady Michelle Obama has been feeling hopeless ever since she and her husband left the White House almost two years ago. In this excerpt from her recent book Becoming, Michelle recounts her thoughts one night, during the last Christmas Eve the Obama’s spent in power. Her retelling of a classic holiday story paints a picture of frustration and fear that she felt in the wake of the election that fall in 2016: ‘Twas the night before Christmas, when in the White House, Not a creature was…

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Trump To Ring In 2019 When Chuck Schumer’s Glasses Drop

TIMES SQUARE – Preparations are being made here to use the traditional New Year’s Eve crystal ball drop to ring in 2019 if Chuck Schumer’s glasses fail to drop off his nose by midnight on the 31st. However, President Trump decreed that the new year does not officially begin until Schumer’s glasses fall completely off his face. Washington insiders can gauge the state of their Democratic party at any given time, based solely on the position of the Senate Minority leader’s glasses on his nose. As Schumer becomes more insane…

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Judge Kills Obamacare, Dems Given Board Game As Consolation Prize

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TEXAS – A federal judge here essentially killed Obamacare in a ruling last week. Sure, there will be appeals for years to come. But what’s a Democrat to do in the meantime? Fortunately, the judge reminded them they will always have the Obamacare board game as a consolation prize. The judge recommended that Democratic leaders work on coming up with a plan that isn’t unconstitutional and forced down the throats of Americans. Then he thanked them for playing. The board game Democrats are left with is sure to be a…

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