Fran Lebowitz Doesn’t Want Trump Murdered By Saudis, Just Dismembered

Lebowitz

NEW YORK – Author Fran Lebowitz, appearing on Bill Maher’s progressive talk show, wished the Saudis would kill President Trump. She hoped the Saudi family would murder him like they did that reporter, Khashoggi. Here’s Fran’s quote: “Whenever I think about this and what he really deserves, I think, we should turn him over to the Saudis, his buddies. The same Saudis who got rid of that reporter. Maybe they could do the same for him.”  However, since she’s a liberal, Lebowitz claims she was misinterpreted. “Look, I didn’t mean…

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Ocasio-Cortez Reveals Her Swanky DC Apartment Is Haunted

WASHINGTON – Congresswoman Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez’s life just keeps getting stranger. Now, she reveals that her fancy DC apartment is haunted. The democratic Einstein showed Instagram fans this week evidence of a monster that lives in a hole in her sink. “I’m, like, freaking out all the time when I’m here,” she whined. “My place is bougie, but it’s a house of horrors. It’s definitely haunted.” Even after having some features in her apartment identified and explained to her, the New York politician didn’t sound convinced. “They’re telling me this is…

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AG Barr Releases Soundtrack to Mueller Report For Dems Needing Context

soundtrack

WASHINGTON – Robert Mueller and leading Democrats have been whining that Attorney General William Barr’s summary of the Mueller Report didn’t properly convey the context, substance or mood of his findings. So the AG is now releasing a soundtrack to go along with the report. “I hope a little mood music helps them better understand there’s no there there,” Barr said. The Attorney General has hired famed composer Hans Zimmer to produce the score. A list of tracks on the soundtrack has been provided below: No Collusion, No Obstruction (What…

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Maxine Waters Impeaches Nanny, Hairstylist, Gardener All In Same Week

CALIFORNIA – Congresswoman Maxine Waters (Deranged-CA) has a one track mind that only leads to impeachment. She’s consumed by it. So much so that just in the last week, she’s impeached her own nanny, hairstylist, and gardener. The workers were caught off guard by the move. “She just walks around muttering ‘Impeach 45,’ ‘Must impeach!’ or ‘I’ll impeach all you bastards!’ whenever she’s here at the house,” the nanny said, speaking in broken English. “Last weekend, she had insomnia. I heard her counting impeachments to try to fall asleep. I…

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Carbon Dating Confirms 2020 Democrat Front-runners Are Ancient

carbon

WASHINGTON – We knew they were old. Now, science has confirmed it. Following carbon dating on Democrat presidential hopefuls Joe Biden and Bernie Sanders, the 2020 front-runners are indeed from a bygone era. Measuring carbon isotopes from the political fossils, scientists determined Biden and Sanders date back to between the late Cenozoic period and the #MeToo era. This geo-political period was known as a time when most creatures were not yet “woke.” The results of the tests reinforces the notion that the two men are ancient in the minds of…

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Real Housewives Of Game Of Thrones Trounces GOT8 Ratings

WESTEROS – The Game of Thrones final season premier was a ratings juggernaut for HBO. That was before the after show – The Real Housewives of Game of Thrones. Tens of millions tuned in to watch the drama, backstabbing, and alliances of their favorite women from the show. In tonight’s episode, Cersei Lannister couldn’t deal with the fact that Queen Daenerys found her white overcoat ‘off the rack’ at a Valyrian discount market. “She can afford whatever she wants. I couldn’t bear to show my face in one of those…

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Ocasio-Cortez: Lincoln Might Be Alive Today If US Had Gun Control In 1860’s

Lincoln

WASHINGTON – Noted historian and climate guru Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez was interviewed in a town hall meeting on MSNBC recently. While rambling from issue to issue, making it up as she goes, she had a very “Cortez” take on Abraham Lincoln. “You guys, Abraham Lincoln may very well be alive today if we’d only had sensible gun control measures in effect in the 1860’s. John Wilkes Booth wouldn’t have been able to obtain his AR-15 in the first place. But, like, they didn’t even have universal background checks back then,” AOC…

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#MeToo? Joe Biden Admits Past As Shampoo Fragrance Secret Shopper

WASHINGTON – He’s having to come clean now that he’s about to run for president in 2020. Creepy Joe Biden has now admitted that repeated photos of him sniffing women’s hair was all just part of the job. “I was a shampoo fragrance secret shopper for several decades,” Biden admitted in a statement on Friday. “You can understand now why I was getting so close and handsy with all those women. But I couldn’t blow my cover. I’d lose the $100 gift certificate they gave me for each survey I…

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Pretend Scientist and Pretend Sane Person Meet At SXSW

AUSTIN – In a fairy tale meeting at this year’s SXSW event, a man who pretends to be a climate expert and a woman who pretends to be a sane person – as well as a climate expert – got together to showcase their stupidity. Bill Nye the Science? Guy, and socialist darling Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez dazzled a SXSW crowd with apocalyptic stories about climate change and how, together, they could combine their powers to save the world. Wonder Twin powers, activate! “She blinded me with science!” Nye exclaimed after hearing…

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Ghostbusters Called To CPAC To Eradicate Ghost of John McCain

NATIONAL HARBOR – At the 2019 Conservative Political Action Conference (CPAC) yesterday, guest speaker Michelle Malkin summoned the ghost of John McCain. Malkin wanted to rid the Party of McCain’s lingering presence. Attendees also wanted no part of that specter and quickly called in the original Ghostbusters. Cause….who else ya gonna call? Peter Venkman, Winston Zeddemore, and Ray Stantz quickly showed up to deal with the situation. Ghostbuster Egon Spengler was with them in spirit. As the three discussed crossing the streams to dispose of the ghost of John McCain…

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