Chief Justice Roberts Left Hanging After Failed High-Five Attempt

WASHINGTON – President Trump’s impeachment trial in the Senate got off to a rocky start this week. On Thursday, Chief Justice John Roberts was left hanging by Senator Chuck Grassley during a failed high-five attempt. Justice Roberts thought the gesture would lighten the mood in the Senate chamber, but the mood soon changed to horror when Senator Grassley failed to reciprocate on the high-five. “I wasn’t sure whether to go in for a bro hug or a simple handshake,” Roberts later said. “The high-five move was a last second decision.…

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Dems Question Kavanaugh ‘Let It Be Lowenbrau’ Yearbook Comment

yearbook

WASHINGTON – Senate Democrats are still demanding explanations for some cryptic entries contained in Judge Brett Kavanaugh’s high school calendars and yearbooks. Despite a looming vote on his confirmation to the Supreme Court, certain Democrats say questions about Kavanaugh’s past continue to raise red flags for them. Senator Cory Booker wondered, “In May of 1982, the judge wrote ‘Tonight, let it be Lowenbrau.’ Who or what is Lowenbrau? A classmate? A secret party place? He needs to answer this. Is it related to the ‘Devil’s Triangle,’ or a type of…

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Bradley Manning’s Alter-Ego to Run for US Senate in Maryland

BALTIMORE – The boy named Chelsea/Bradley Manning, who was jailed for stealing classified government documents, before being given a get-out-of-jail-free card by Barack Obama, has filed paperwork to enter and lose the race for a U.S. senate seat in Maryland. Bradley, who pretends to live as a woman, said that if he wins the senate seat in November, he may decide to become a congressman instead. “I might decide to switch.” He plans to run as a Democrat, of course. Manning believes his experience in stealing classified information will be…

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Amid Allegations, Dustin Hoffman Banned From Ever Making Alabama Senate Run

MONTGOMERY – Civic leaders throughout Alabama are reacting tonight to allegations of sexual misconduct by Hollywood actor Dustin Hoffman, who is being accused of making unwanted sexual advances to several young women – including one who was a teenager at the time. The charges mean that Hoffman, 80, will never be allowed to run for an Alabama senate seat, no matter how badly he might want to. Newly-elected senator Dougie Jones said the state cannot handle another Roy Moore fiasco. State politicians admitted they’ll have to keep a sharp eye…

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Reebok Honors Liz Warren With “Nevertheless, She Perspired” Shirt

Reebok

CANTON, MA – In case you missed it, last week on the floor of the US Senate, Mass. Senator Elizabeth Warren was chastised for rebuking fellow Senator Jeff Sessions in the lead up to his confirmation as the new Attorney General. The incident lead to local athletic manufacturer Reebok releasing a new t-shirt to show support for Warren. Her tormentor? Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell. While Liz feels she was unfairly targeted, McConnell gave his explanation of what happened: “Senator Warren was droning on and on about some letter she…

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Senate Shuts Up Liz Warren for Violating Free Screech Rules

WASHINGTON – Senator Elizabeth “Angry Owl” Warren was told to shut up and sit down as she continued to screech about fellow Senator Jeff Sessions on the Senate floor last night. “Angry Owl” is Warren’s given Cherokee Indian name. Warren had been trash screeching Senator Sessions because she doesn’t want to see him get approved to become our next Attorney General. She was first warned that she was crossing a decorum line in the Senate chamber, at which point she turned her head completely around and freaked out those in…

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