Texas Democrats Take Inaugural Flight Of Coward Airlines To DC

Coward Airlines

AUSTIN – Texas Democrats took the first flight on Coward Airlines on Monday, as the fledgling carrier made its debut. The airline touts itself as “the choice of cowards and anybody looking to shirk their responsibilities.” The skittish politicians were fleeing their responsibilities to vote on a voting reform bill in the Texas House. The inaugural flight from Austin to Washington, D.C. was mostly uneventful, though pilots did announce they were having to fly lower to avoid turbulence and/or encountering any rogue quorums. Coward Airlines looks to cater to deadbeat…

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Heads Of ERCOT Explain Their Incompetence During Texas Freeze

ERCOT

TEXAS – Two top officials with ERCOT (Electric Reliability Council of Texas) have tried to explain how they failed Texans during the recent Great Freeze. Millions were without power and/or water for days during the storm. Lives were lost due to their incompetence. Board members Beavis & Butt-Head, both of whom live outside of Texas, held a press conference to defend their actions. Mr. Anderson, a member of the ERCOT’s Executive Team, also answered for his failures. Beavis: Huh, huh, he said member. Butt-Head: Uhhhhh, mem-ber of Excuses Team…oh yeah,…

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Biden: Texans Can Achieve Unity By Huddling Together For Warmth

WASHINGTON – President Joe Biden always says he’s going to bring America together. The so-called Great Healing. He has no ideas on how to make that a reality, but that never matters. But as millions of Texans shiver through another frigid day without power and water, Biden sees an angle. He says that Texans being forced to huddle together just to keep warm is promoting unity. “When you’re freezing your balls off, you don’t care if the people next to you, keeping you warm, are Republicans or Democrats,” Joe told…

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Whatawinter! Texans Wrap Vehicles Around Whataburger Locations To Keep Them Warm

whataburger

TEXAS – The ongoing severe cold and snow event here is causing Texans to take drastic action. As temperatures plummet to record lows, people around the state are joining forces to protect what is dear to them. And that means Whataburger. The hamburger champ in Texas has fueled families here for decades. The burger chain is known for being open 24/7. So, as other businesses closed due to deteriorating weather conditions, people started showing their love. Thousands of Texans swarmed Whataburger locations with their cars and trucks, wrapping around locations,…

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SCOTUS Rules ‘This Whole Constitution Thing Has Been Done To Death’

WASHINGTON – The Supreme Court ruled Friday afternoon that following the Constitution has run its course. A majority of justices, including so-called “conservative” justices, decided that voter fraud in US elections is no big deal. Chief Justice John Roberts declared, “This whole following the Constitution thing has been done to death. So Democrats cheated with mail-in ballots and rigged voting machines? If Texas doesn’t like that, they should cheat harder next time. I thought they did everything bigger in Texas anyway?” New justice Amy Coney Barrett said, “I didn’t feel…

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Texas Worried BETO Yard Signs May Overwhelm Landfills

CRUZ TERRITORY – Now that the election is over, waste management officials in Texas are worried about all those BETO yard signs littering the Lone Star State. They aren’t sure the state’s landfills can handle that much extra trash. Manuel Flores, site manager for Texas Disposal Systems, thinks the state should sell the signs back to Hollywood celebrities. “They paid for most of those signs. Maybe we could sell them back for pennies on the dollar. Then it’s their problem. We’re also looking at working a deal with some other…

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