Joe Biden: If I Were President, I’d Call In Those Starship Troopers To Put End To Riots

WASHINGTON – Joe Biden, the intellectual leader of the Democratic Party, doesn’t think President Trump is serious about ending the violence and rioting that has exploded in the wake of George Floyd’s murder. He disagrees with the step-by-step approach the president has taken. “If it were me,” Biden said, “I wouldn’t fool around with having cops and state troopers first, then adding the National Guard, then threatening to bring in the military. Man, I’d bring in those Starship Troopers right off the bat. Those guys that beat back the alien…

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Pelosi Slams ‘Morbidly Obese’ Trump, Praises ‘Former Victoria’s Secret Model’ Stacey Abrams

morbidly obese

WASHINGTON – It’s common knowledge that House Speaker Nancy Pelosi lives in her own little world. So it was no surprise this week when she slammed President Trump for being ‘morbidly obese.’ She then went on to praise the imaginary governor of Georgia, Stacey Abrams, for being the picture of good health. Abrams is being considered as a VP pick for Democrat Joe Biden. Pelosi thinks Abrams would be a fine choice for the position. “In total contrast to the president, Ms. Abrams is the epitome of fitness and good…

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Arrogant Prick Blasts Trump’s Virus Response For Not Being As Smooth As His Obamacare Website Debut

arrogant prick

WASHINGTON – During a virtual commencement speech to brainwashed students, an arrogant prick took veiled swipes at President Trump’s response to the coronavirus outbreak. “These folks in charge don’t know what they’re doing,” the arrogant prick told his audience. “Their response to the current pandemic has been weak, sloppy, and a model of inefficiency. Compare that to the flawless roll out of my Obamacare website during my first term. I, I, I, uh, I, I, uh, rest my case.” For those who might not remember, the Obamacare website launch was…

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VP Pence To Head Up Murder Hornet Task Force, Dems Call Trump Bee-ist

WASHINGTON – Coronavirus is still a huge issue in our society, but America has a new foe to deal with on top of it – the Asian Murder Hornet. They’re pretty scary creatures with a painfully, toxic sting, and an appetite for destroying honeybees. But the murder hornets haven’t dealt with an enemy like Donald Trump yet. Today, the president appointed VP Mike Pence to lead a new task force against the murderous hoard of insects. And Democrats are not happy about it. “The president is doing what he did…

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Lysol Enlists Bill Engvall To Give Liberals Their Signs, Warn Them Not To Inject Disinfectants

disinfectants

ENGLAND – The maker of Lysol disinfecting products is having to remind liberals on Twitter not to take their cleaning products internally. The move came after President Trump made an off-the-cuff remark about disinfectants possibly being something that could kill the coronavirus. Conservative and independent Americans did not freak out over the president’s comments. They know better than to inject a disinfectant into their bodies. But progressives in the States are not as bright as their counterparts. They ran to social media to insist the American president was telling people…

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Barack Obama Says He Would Have Talked Coronavirus To Death By Now

talked to death

NEW YORK – Former President Barack Obama emerged from his life of luxury today, just long enough to criticize President’s Trump handling of the current pandemic. He chastised Trump for his travel bans, inability to stop the pandemic in its tracks, and not taking China at its word. “If Joe (Biden) and I were still in office, I would have bowed to the Chinese leaders numerous times – even if they weren’t telling us the truth about the disease – and I certainly think I could have talked the coronavirus…

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AOC Slams Trump For Not Using Presidential Magic Wand Against Virus

WASHINGTON – Democrats in Congress are continuously slamming President Trump for not instantly curing the coronavirus that is plaguing mankind at the moment. Many are reminding the public that a Democrat would have already eradicated the disease, were they in the White House. Representative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez can’t believe the president isn’t doing more to protect Americans. “Like, it’s common knowledge that the Speaker (Pelosi) has her magic gavel. And the president has, like, this presidential magic wand. I see no evidence that he’s used it to solve this coronavirus crisis.…

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Nancy Pelosi, House Dems Showing Classic Impeachment Withdrawal Symptoms

WASHINGTON – Democrats on Capitol Hill have been seen twitching, sweating, and acting paranoid lately, but the cause has been unclear until now. Speaker Nancy Pelosi confirmed today that she’s been suffering impeachment withdrawals since the failure of the Senate trial to impeach President Trump. “I can’t hardly sleep, I’m not eating much, I can’t sit still or concentrate on anything these last 10 days,” Pelosi admitted. “So, over the weekend, Adam Schiff, myself, Eric Swalwell, and other members of our caucus went to a clinic to find out what…

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Pelosi Tears Up Bingo Cards After Failing To Win At SOTU

WASHINGTON – Speaker Nancy Pelosi is having a bad year. Everything she touches turns to crap and she can’t seem to catch a break. Tonight, she was seen tearing up her bingo cards behind the president. Whether it’s the Trump impeachment trial, Bingo, the Iowa Caucus fiasco, or a triumphant State of the Union (SOTU) speech, she keeps ending up on the losing side. President Trump had handed the speaker some bingo cards just before starting his State of the Union speech Tuesday night. The cards were to keep Nancy…

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Angry Dems Insist That “Acquittal” Means Trump Still Has To Quit

acquittal

WASHINGTON – In a last ditch effort to snatch victory from the flames of defeat, Democratic impeachment managers are insisting that President Trump would still have to leave office – even in the event of a likely acquittal in his Senate trial. Democrat House manager Adam Schiff spelled out the logic during his party’s closing arguments. “House manager Mr. Nadler and I have screwed this impeachment inquiry six ways to Sunday. We know that. In fact, I can’t imagine this hearing going more badly unless Senators Mitt Romney and Susan…

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