Mueller Report To Be Released As Picture Book For Democrats

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WASHINGTON – Democrats are having a hard time understanding what “No Collusion” and “No Obstruction” means. So to help them more easily understand Robert Mueller’s report and conclusions, Attorney General William Barr will release a version of Mueller’s findings in a picture book format. “I hope with the addition of illustrative pictures, the explanation of no collusion and no obstruction on the part of the president will be easier for them to comprehend,” Barr told reporters after a congressional hearing today. “Because, so far, they’re just not getting it.” “We’re…

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Trump Closes Michigan Rally With Tribute To Ted Nugent

Michigan

GRAND RAPIDS – The raucous crowd attending President Trump’s rally last night were treated to a surprise concert to close the event, when the president paid tribute to Michigan rocker and MAGA supporter Ted Nugent. After hitting all the right political notes, Trump delighted his audience by performing a number of the Motor City Madman’s hits. The president performed his versions of Nugent classics such as Stranglehold, Free-For-All, Dog Eat Dog, Wang Dang Sweet Poontang, Stormtroopin’, Wango Tango, and Cat Scratch Fever. Details are sketchy as to whether Uncle Ted…

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Dems Worry Trump Exoneration May Set Up 3-Tiered Justice System

WASHINGTON – Leading Democrats, as well as leading Democratic mouthpieces in the media, are worried that an exoneration of President Trump in the Mueller Report may set up a dreaded 3-tiered justice system in America. House Judiciary Committee Chairman Jerry Nadler, “Nads” for short (the guy’s only 5′ 4″), explained his Party’s worry about the president’s vindication in the Russian collusion investigation. “Right now, we have a 2-tiered justice system. We have one for Hillary Clinton and her people, and one for everybody else.” “If Robert Mueller doesn’t indict President…

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Democrats: Cohen Testimony Gave Us A Lot To Daydream About

WASHINGTON – Not having a firm grasp on reality anyway, congressional Democrats were satisfied with testimony they heard from former Trump lawyer Michael Cohen this week. Most agreed that his version of lies about the president “gave them a lot to daydream about.” Rashida Tlaib (D-MI) commented, “Mr. Cohen bolstered my imagined perception that the president is a racist and bigot, and that I’m not. That’s how I choose to see things. Like with the Russian collusion, just because it’s a hoax, doesn’t mean that it doesn’t make me happy…

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Democrats Hinge Hopes On Ex-Trump Lawyer Droopy Cohen

Cohen

WASHINGTON – In a desperate attempt to nail President Trump, Democrats in Congress are hoping his former lawyer, Michael “Droopy” Cohen, can give them some good dirt to use against him. The atmosphere during Cohen’s testimony has been electric, with yawns and letdowns aplenty. House Democrat Elijah Cummings announced that Cohen’s testimony today is being sponsored by No-Doz Maximum Strength Alertness Aid. Droopy, a convicted liar who will be behind bars soon, had half the chamber napping before he finished his opening statement. In fact, Cummings brought in Eeyore, he…

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Elizabeth Warren Floats Reparations For Dems Traumatized By Trump

NEW HAMPSHIRE – Ancestry guru and 2020 Democratic presidential candidate, Elizabeth Warren, publicly floated the idea for reparations for the first time yesterday. At a campaign rally here, she announced that Democrats deserved reparations for the suffering they have been forced to endure during this Trump presidency. “I know the calendar says 2019,” Warren bellowed, “But for all us Democrats, we’re stuck on November 9th, 2016. The day after the greatest injustice my people have ever had to face!” Still unable to move on, SacagaWarren made her case for reparations.…

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Bernie Sanders Launches Bid To Not Be President In 2020

VERMONT – Senator Bernie Sanders announced today that he will indeed seek to not be the president in 2020. He enters a crowded field of progressives seeking the Democratic nomination in 2020, but he has more experience losing than the others. “I know I won’t win,” Sanders gruffly admitted, “But I love the attention. I want to allow all the college students to ‘Feel The Bern’ one more time and enjoy the ride. My plan has always been to announce my bid, go through the process, spend millions in other…

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Trump Declares National Emergency To Deal With Ocasio-Cortez

ROSE GARDEN – President Trump today announced he is declaring a national emergency to deal with the arrogance and stupidity of new congresswoman Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (AOC). Because Congress has refused to deal with the annoying, know-it-all bartender, the president has been forced to act on his own. “Even though congressional Democrats refuse to accept the dire situation that AOC’s weak intellect poses to our country, to protect the interests of sane Americans, and to preserve the safety and well-being of our nation’s gassy cows, I am declaring that her warped…

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Trump Proposes Literally Building Wall Over Pelosi’s Dead Body

WASHINGTON – Hoping to avoid another shutdown, President Trump today proposed literally building his border wall or barrier directly over Speaker Nancy Pelosi’s dead body. According to his plans, her body would become the cornerstone in any future border structure. “You can tell by looking at her that she probably doesn’t have a lot of time left anyway,” a White House aide admitted. “She’s always threatening the president, saying, ‘You’ll get your border wall over my dead body!’ We’re just offering to take her up on that offer.” The president…

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Good Times: Stacey Abrams To Give State Of Union Rebuttal

Abrams

GEORGIA – Former Good Times actress Stacey Abrams has been tagged to deliver the Democrat Party’s rebuttal to President Trump’s state of the union speech on Tuesday. Abrams, who has been acting since the 1970’s, most recently lost her bid to become the governor of Georgia. Stacey acted under the stage name Esther Rolle on the hit sitcom, is best known these days for her stance that illegal aliens should be allowed to vote in US elections. She cray-cray. She’ll no doubt accuse the president of being a heartless, evil,…

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