Bernie Sanders Launches Bid To Not Be President In 2020

VERMONT – Senator Bernie Sanders announced today that he will indeed seek to not be the president in 2020. He enters a crowded field of progressives seeking the Democratic nomination in 2020, but he has more experience losing than the others. “I know I won’t win,” Sanders gruffly admitted, “But I love the attention. I want to allow all the college students to ‘Feel The Bern’ one more time and enjoy the ride. My plan has always been to announce my bid, go through the process, spend millions in other…

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Trump Declares National Emergency To Deal With Ocasio-Cortez

ROSE GARDEN – President Trump today announced he is declaring a national emergency to deal with the arrogance and stupidity of new congresswoman Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (AOC). Because Congress has refused to deal with the annoying, know-it-all bartender, the president has been forced to act on his own. “Even though congressional Democrats refuse to accept the dire situation that AOC’s weak intellect poses to our country, to protect the interests of sane Americans, and to preserve the safety and well-being of our nation’s gassy cows, I am declaring that her warped…

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Trump Proposes Literally Building Wall Over Pelosi’s Dead Body

WASHINGTON – Hoping to avoid another shutdown, President Trump today proposed literally building his border wall or barrier directly over Speaker Nancy Pelosi’s dead body. According to his plans, her body would become the cornerstone in any future border structure. “You can tell by looking at her that she probably doesn’t have a lot of time left anyway,” a White House aide admitted. “She’s always threatening the president, saying, ‘You’ll get your border wall over my dead body!’ We’re just offering to take her up on that offer.” The president…

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Good Times: Stacey Abrams To Give State Of Union Rebuttal

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GEORGIA – Former Good Times actress Stacey Abrams has been tagged to deliver the Democrat Party’s rebuttal to President Trump’s state of the union speech on Tuesday. Abrams, who has been acting since the 1970’s, most recently lost her bid to become the governor of Georgia. Stacey acted under the stage name Esther Rolle on the hit sitcom, is best known these days for her stance that illegal aliens should be allowed to vote in US elections. She cray-cray. She’ll no doubt accuse the president of being a heartless, evil,…

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Nation Mourns Jeff Flake’s ‘No To 2020 Prez Run’ Decision

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ARIZONA – An already divided country is reeling after former senator Jeff Flake officially announced today that he will not be running for president in 2020. Flake announced his decision as it was revealed he has taken a job with CBS News. The new position will mean Jeff will add nothing of value to the network’s offerings, which will be a continuation of his career in Congress. But how does the country move forward after such a shocking development? Millions of Americans live by the creed of WWJD (What would…

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116th Motherf**king Congress Officially Sworn In

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WASHINGTON – Newly elected Democrats completed the swearing-in of the 116th motherf**king Congress last week. And judging by early reviews, this new Congress promises to be a real sh*tstorm. Incoming Detroit congresswoman Rashida Tlaib put the swearing-in ceremony in perspective. “Look, I get that taking the oath is a dignified and f**king solemn occasion. So, I really had to hold back today. I swore I wouldn’t swear today, but, what the f**k? I hate that (Trump) motherf**ker!” Tlaib said her main focus during her first term in office will be…

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Never-Trumper Mitt Romney: Please, Call Me Jeff Flake

WASHINGTON – Thanks for nothing, Utah! Incoming “Republican” senator Mitt Romney started off the new year by slamming President Trump. He criticized the president’s character, and said Trump has lowered the bar for what it means to be president. “They don’t call me ‘Mittens’ for nothing,” Romney grinned. “I’m taking the gloves off with the leader of my own party. My wife gave me a set of balls for Christmas.” Ann Romney had given her husband a pair of ping pong balls, which suited him perfectly – plastic and lightweight.…

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Book Excerpt: Michelle Obama’s ‘Twas the Night Before Christmas

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WASHINGTON – Former First Lady Michelle Obama has been feeling hopeless ever since she and her husband left the White House almost two years ago. In this excerpt from her recent book Becoming, Michelle recounts her thoughts one night, during the last Christmas Eve the Obama’s spent in power. Her retelling of a classic holiday story paints a picture of frustration and fear that she felt in the wake of the election that fall in 2016: ‘Twas the night before Christmas, when in the White House, Not a creature was…

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Trump To Ring In 2019 When Chuck Schumer’s Glasses Drop

TIMES SQUARE – Preparations are being made here to use the traditional New Year’s Eve crystal ball drop to ring in 2019 if Chuck Schumer’s glasses fail to drop off his nose by midnight on the 31st. However, President Trump decreed that the new year does not officially begin until Schumer’s glasses fall completely off his face. Washington insiders can gauge the state of their Democratic party at any given time, based solely on the position of the Senate Minority leader’s glasses on his nose. As Schumer becomes more insane…

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Chris Christie Pulls Hammy, Out Of Running For Trump Chief Of Staff

Christie

WASHINGTON – “I don’t run. If I’d known there was going to be running involved, I would’ve ended this speculation much sooner,” former New Jersey Governor Chris Christie said. He was responding to news today that he was being considered for President Trump’s next Chief of Staff. Christie’s people released a statement saying he was “taking himself out of the running for the Chief of Staff position.” The disgraced governor doesn’t do anything that involves running. “I think that’s pretty apparent,” he told reporters. “I can stroll, like I did…

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