Nancy Pelosi, House Dems Showing Classic Impeachment Withdrawal Symptoms

WASHINGTON – Democrats on Capitol Hill have been seen twitching, sweating, and acting paranoid lately, but the cause has been unclear until now. Speaker Nancy Pelosi confirmed today that she’s been suffering impeachment withdrawals since the failure of the Senate trial to impeach President Trump. “I can’t hardly sleep, I’m not eating much, I can’t sit still or concentrate on anything these last 10 days,” Pelosi admitted. “So, over the weekend, Adam Schiff, myself, Eric Swalwell, and other members of our caucus went to a clinic to find out what…

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Pelosi Tears Up Bingo Cards After Failing To Win At SOTU

WASHINGTON – Speaker Nancy Pelosi is having a bad year. Everything she touches turns to crap and she can’t seem to catch a break. Tonight, she was seen tearing up her bingo cards behind the president. Whether it’s the Trump impeachment trial, Bingo, the Iowa Caucus fiasco, or a triumphant State of the Union (SOTU) speech, she keeps ending up on the losing side. President Trump had handed the speaker some bingo cards just before starting his State of the Union speech Tuesday night. The cards were to keep Nancy…

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Angry Dems Insist That “Acquittal” Means Trump Still Has To Quit

acquittal

WASHINGTON – In a last ditch effort to snatch victory from the flames of defeat, Democratic impeachment managers are insisting that President Trump would still have to leave office – even in the event of a likely acquittal in his Senate trial. Democrat House manager Adam Schiff spelled out the logic during his party’s closing arguments. “House manager Mr. Nadler and I have screwed this impeachment inquiry six ways to Sunday. We know that. In fact, I can’t imagine this hearing going more badly unless Senators Mitt Romney and Susan…

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Impeachment: Chuck Schumer To Have Cousin, Amy, Write Democrat Closing Arguments

arguments

WASHINGTON – Senate minority leader Chuck Schumer is desperate. Despite his furious spinning, he knows his party’s opening arguments bombed on the big stage. Now, he’s hoping his cousin, comic Amy Schumer, can add some life to Democrats’ closing arguments next week. “Look, I know Adam Schiff and Jerry Nadler aren’t the most charismatic guys,” Schumer told reporters this weekend. “I, personally, along with the mainstream media, think they’re two of the finest orators to ever grace the Senate chamber. But it’s clear that the majority of senators are not…

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Adam Schiff’s Eyes Deemed Existential Threat To TV Viewers

ATLANTA – Researchers at the CDC (Centers for Disease Control and Prevention) are warning those who attempt to watch the Senate impeachment trial. Beware, your sanity could be at risk. Scientists say Congressman Adam Schiff’s eyes are an existential threat to viewers. “We want to especially warn millennials, those susceptible to hypnosis, and other young Democrats,” Dr. Roy Stanton explained. “Mr. Schiff has already spoken for many hours in the opening days of the impeachment trial. Already, reports are coming in from across the country that liberal viewers are being…

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Dems Split On How They Should Embarrass Selves In Impeachment Trial

WASHINGTON – The impeachment trial of President Trump started today in the Senate. However, even at this late date, there is deep division within the Democratic Party over how to best embarrass themselves and the party during the course of the trial. Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer explained that members had several options in their arsenal. “Well, first, I want to congratulate Speaker Pelosi for doing a masterful job of embarrassing Democrats in the House, and even making this opportunity possible. “Secondly, I hope we can make her proud here…

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House Pallbearers Carry Impeachment Articles To Senate In Pretend Casket

Senate

WASHINGTON – It was somber and prayerful. Stone-faced Democrat House impeachment managers served as pallbearers today as they carried Speaker Nancy Pelosi’s two articles of impeachment to their final resting place in the Senate chamber. The procession consisted of six Democrats, with an additional manager following behind in case Jerry Nadler was unable to complete the journey. The Democrats pretended they were transporting the articles in an invisible casket that only they could see. Asked if he was worried whether pretending to have an imaginary casket might look weird to…

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Chief Justice Roberts Left Hanging After Failed High-Five Attempt

WASHINGTON – President Trump’s impeachment trial in the Senate got off to a rocky start this week. On Thursday, Chief Justice John Roberts was left hanging by Senator Chuck Grassley during a failed high-five attempt. Justice Roberts thought the gesture would lighten the mood in the Senate chamber, but the mood soon changed to horror when Senator Grassley failed to reciprocate on the high-five. “I wasn’t sure whether to go in for a bro hug or a simple handshake,” Roberts later said. “The high-five move was a last second decision.…

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AOC: Congress Must Limit Trump’s Ability To Cause Earthquakes In Iran

WASHINGTON – Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, preeminent thinker for today’s Democrats, is outraged over President Trump’s recent actions regarding Iran. But she’s not just mad about him taking out American-hating terrorist Soleimani last weekend. “Ok, like, so Iran retaliated against us by launching rockets at our bases in Iraq….which they had very right to do. But within hours of their strikes against us, the president caused 2 earthquakes in Iran. AND a plane crash on top of that!” Cortez charged. “We’re better than that. Why does he even do that?” she continued.…

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Liz Warren: I Would Have Impeached Soleimani Rather Than Killing

Soleimani

CAMPAIGN TRAIL – Senator Elizabeth Warren, half-Iranian herself, slammed President Trump this weekend over his drone strike that killed Iran’s terror leader Qasem Soleimani just days ago. “Personally, I would have impeached the mother****er…and then had a beer, rather than killing him.” Warren explained that being impeached is a fate worse than death, even if one hasn’t officially been impeached. “Look, I don’t know what Nancy (Pelosi) is thinking, but Democrats consider the president impeached. Our low information voters consider him impeached. That’s all that matters.” “Can you imagine the…

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