Trump Eats Bowl Of Covid, Chugs Gallon Of Liberal Tears Just Before Discharge

liberal tears

WALTER REED – Just before being discharged, President Trump requested one last hospital meal before heading back to the White House. The president is being discharged following a successful treatment for Covid-19. Trump requested ‘a heaping bowl of coronavirus and a gallon of liberal’s tears.’ The president said he’d gotten quite an appetite during his stay and that Walter Reed Hospital has excellent chefs. According to his chief-of-staff Mark Meadows, “The president scarfed down the entire bowl of the virus. He washed it down by chugging the entire gallon of…

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Leftists Claim Founding Fathers Signed Blank Sheet Of Paper, Called It Constitution

blank

TWITTER – Liberals on Twitter slammed President Trump for what they claim is a picture of Mean Orange Man signing a blank sheet of paper. The picture was supposed to show that the president is still working, despite his ongoing treatment for coronavirus at Walter Reed Hospital. There is no way to tell from the picture what the president was signing, or if it had something printed on it. That hasn’t stopped leftists from taking to Twitter en masse to say the photo was staged. Since leftists are praying (some…

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Media Furious After Doc Says Trump Tested Negative For ‘White Supremacy’ In Hospital

white supremacy

MARYLAND – Doctors treating President Trump for covid-19 at Walter Reed Hospital gave an update on the president’s condition today. However, members of the press were outraged at what else the doctors said. Throughout the health update, there wasn’t even a mention of whether the president had denounced white supremacy while receiving treatment. CNN’s Jim Acosta was driven to tears after the presser. “All they gave us was information on treatments, the president’s mood, oxygen levels. Who cares about that?” “There was not one mention by the doctors that the…

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CNN: Authorities Intercept Package Of ‘Mostly Peaceful’ Ricin Meant For Trump

package

NEW YORK – It was learned on Saturday that a package addressed to President Trump earlier in the week contained the toxic poison ricin. Fortunately, law enforcement agents intercepted the package before it reached the White House. While the poison can be deadly to humans, even in the smallest amounts, CNN is reporting that the ricin has been tested and was deemed to be ‘mostly peaceful.’ Mostly peaceful ricin is apparently a new strain of the poison. So new, in fact, that law enforcement didn’t know about it. “This is…

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Nancy Pelosi Uncovers Massive Underground Hair Salon Racket

hair salon

SAN FRANCISCO – As if 2020 couldn’t get any more bizarre, now Nancy Pelosi has uncovered a massive, underground hair salon racket that few Americans are aware of. And despite Pelosi’s discovery, there’s no telling how deep this salon set-up goes. The Speaker of the House claims she was lured into a San Francisco hair salon under false pretenses that she was above the law. You see, hair salons were closed down at the time due to the current coronavirus pandemic. “I suspect this goes all the way up to…

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Dem Convention Emcee Eva Longoria: Last 4 Years Has Left My Hair Diminished, Divided

MILWAUKEE – The gloomy Democrats kicked off their convention Monday night. The virtual event’s emcee was former Desperate Housewives star Eva Longoria. And the actress wasted no time in attacking President Trump. “The past few months have tested us all,” Longoria began. “It’s been tougher for some of us than for others. But it isn’t just the past few months. The past four years has left my hair diminished and divided. When will this national nightmare end?” Eva recounted how living under an oppressive Trump administration has affected the graying…

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Joe Biden Shouts ‘Get Off My Lawn!’ At Interviewer Asking About Cognitive Tests

DELAWARE – Democratic presidential candidate Joe Biden showed his grumpy side in an interview today. During an interview with a CBS reporter, Biden was confronted with the cognitive elephant in the room. The reporter asked Joe if he had taken any cognitive tests to measure his mental fitness to be president. The former VP lost his cool and snapped back at the reporter. “Get off my lawn!” Biden shot back. The nonsensical response caught the reporter by surprise. “I’m not on your lawn, sir.” Biden shot back, “Are you one…

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Skip 2020 Debates? Biden Says He Hasn’t Skipped In Years Due To Mobility Issues

skipped debates

DELAWARE – Due to his questionable mental competence, Democrats are freaking out over the possibility of Joe Biden debating on a stage with President Trump. His supporters, including the media, are now urging Joe to skip all debates. Period. Biden says he can’t do that. “I haven’t skipped in years. It’s harder to skip when you get older. I wish my handlers would be more understanding about that. A few years ago, I could walk briskly, trying to make it look like I was jogging with Barack. But I don’t…

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Biden Camp Offer Max Headroom As Stand In For Joe During Debates

Max Headroom

DELAWARE – Aides to Joe Biden’s 2020 campaign are doing whatever they can to avoid his having to debate President Trump in person. Now, they’re offering up 80’s pop culture personality Max Headroom as an alternative. The suggestion comes after the Trump campaign declined televising all debates from Biden’s basement. Greg Schultz, his campaign manager, explained why Headroom might be a suitable “debate double” for Biden. “First, they look exactly alike,” Schultz said. “I believe many of our younger Democrats wouldn’t be able to tell the difference. Also, Max is…

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Got GOYA? Angry Leftists Launch New Hispanic Food Company ANNOYA

CALIFORNIA – GOYA Foods Company is under attack by deranged American leftists after the CEO of the Hispanic Food brand expressed support for President Trump. In response, the Left, led by Hollywood celebs, have decided to launch their own brand of Hispanic foods – ANNOYA. Annoying the public is what liberals and progressives do best. They’re currently pushing a national boycott of GOYA because of their Trump Derangement Syndrome. The new brand promises to be “so woke it will give you insomnia” according to those pushing the boycott. Democrat Alexandria…

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