Push-Up Joe Wants Presidency Decided By Pectoral College

IOWA – We all know Democrats hate the Electoral College. They want mob rule. But Joe Biden believes the fairest way to settle the race for the presidency is with a push-up contest, with the winner being decided by the Pectoral College. “Look, Jack, I can do push-ups with the best of ’em. Ask Corn Pop, Squiggy, or Jelly Jam Joe from my old neighborhood,” Mr. Biden insisted. “You all may have noticed that each time I feel threatened by a question in a public setting, I always go to…

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Singer John Legend, Who’s Not An Oncologist, Calls Trump A Cancer

HOLLYWOOD – Singer and recent winner of the Sexiest Woke Man Alive 2019, John Legend, today labelled President Trump “a cancer that needs to be removed.” It should be noted that Legend is NOT an oncologist. Dr. Bernard Fischer, a real oncologist, disputes Legend’s diagnosis of Trump. “I can tell you without a doubt that the president is NOT a cancer. In fact, he doesn’t need to be removed from office, or anything else, really.” The Dr. continued, “I can’t ruin old songs by re-writing them to adhere to today’s…

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Impeachment Witnesses Worry Maybe They Weren’t Arrogant Enough

WASHINGTON – Now that open impeachment hearings have concluded, many of the “star” witnesses who appeared before Adam Schiff’s Quid Pro Quo Show worry that maybe they weren’t arrogant enough during their testimony. They were supposed to bring down President Trump. They failed to move the needle on public opinion in favor of impeachment, and may have done more damage to their side in the process. Each of the witnesses assured the nation that they were smarter than everyone else. That they knew better than the president when it came…

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Adam Schiff Adds Skullduggery, Chicanery To List Of Trump Impeachable Offenses

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WASHINGTON – On the eve of his one-man impeachment show, Democrat Adam Schiff has added several new charges to his list of what could constitute impeachable offenses committed by President Trump. In addition to collusion, extortion, conspiracy, and bribery, Schiff has added “skullduggery” and “chicanery” as behaviors that he hopes will bring down the president. Asked if he truly believed the new charges rose to the level of being impeachable, he answered, “Impeachable offenses are what I dream up and say they are.” Schiff, who prides himself on being a…

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Dems Blast Trump For Killing Rather Than Impeaching Terrorist Al-Baghdadi

WASHINGTON – Impeachment fever remains high with Democrats. Even as President Trump told the world that ISIS founder Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi had his ticket to Hell punched by American forces, Democrats were unimpressed. “He didn’t need to kill the guy,” Nancy Pelosi stated. “Al-Baghdadi would have suffered a fate even worse than death if he had been impeached. You know, we could have censured him in the House or something, but killing him seems so harsh.” The Impeachment King himself, Adam Schiff, added, “Baghdadi was just trying to find his…

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Mitt Romney On Alter-Ego Pierre Delecto: I Wanted A Cool Nickname Like Beto

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UTAH – Beta-male Senator Mitt Romney has been busted for using a fake Twitter account to advance his anti-Trump efforts on social media. Is Romney a coward for doing this? Yes. Does Romney crave attention from the same establishment media that destroyed his presidential run in 2012? Yes. But Romney says the real reason is more innocent. “I just wanted a really, really cool nickname. Like ‘Beto,’ he explained. “I’m a beta-male, just like Beto, and being Pierre Delecto gives me the courage to say things online that I’m not…

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Biden Threatens To Have Reporter Fired Within Six Hours For Ukraine Question

LOS ANGELES – While answering questions from reporters this weekend, 2020 Democratic candidate Joe Biden became irate when a question was asked about his Ukraine/Hunter Biden scandal. He immediately threatened the offending reporter with causing his employment termination within six hours if the reporter didn’t withdraw his question. A visibly pissed Biden reacted to the Ukraine question, saying, “Kiddo, I’m not gonna respond to that. Look, I make one phone call and I’ll have you fired within six hours. How dare you question my nepotism skills! You wanna walk back…

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Democrats Reveal How Trump Whistleblower Complaint Originated

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WASHINGTON – Everyone wants to know how details of a conversation between President Trump and a foreign leader were leaked through a whistleblower. The New York Times is now reporting that the information was given to Democrats through a complex chain of hearsay that went like this: The Times also said the above method mirrors the papers’ own procedure for making up stories and then citing “anonymous” sources. Democrat Nancy Pelosi would only tell reporters they were tipped off to the whistleblower complaint by a brave girl named Simone. And…

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Fearing Wrath Of Trump, Hurricane Diverts From Mar-A-Lago Path

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FLORIDA – Hurricane Dorian wants no part of President Trump. The powerful storm was churning right toward south Florida, and the “Winter White House,” when its projected path suddenly veered northward, avoiding the resort that the president frequents. “I was having a good time freaking out the entire state of Florida,” Dorian said, “When all of a sudden I looked ahead and realized I was heading straight for Mar-a-Lago! I said, ‘Oh Shit!’ and immediately changed my future path. I know this abrupt change of course will likely piss off…

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Biden Blames Trump, Bourne Supremacy For Recent Mass Shootings

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IOWA – Speaking to campaign crowds, former VP Joe Biden accused President Trump of being responsible for stoking Bourne supremacy with his rhetoric and inspiring two recent mass shootings in America. Many thought Biden meant “white supremacy” in his remarks, but this is Joe Biden we’re talking about. A reporter at the event questioned Obama’s vice president with this exchange: Reporter: Mr. Vice President, when you say ‘Bourne Supremacy’ do you mean to say ‘white supremacy?’ Biden: What did Jason Bourne do to everyone he didn’t like? Reporter: He killed…

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