ACQUITTED! 7 GOP Senators Given ‘Insurrection: Traitor Edition’ Board Game Instead

insurrection

WASHINGTON – President Trump has been acquitted of inciting the Jan. 6 riots on Capitol Hill. The sham impeachment trial is over. The waste of Americans’ time is over. But some politicians won’t be going home empty-handed. Seven Republican senators voted to convict Trump, along with every Democrat. At least these ‘Sappy 7’ GOP turncoats will be taking home the ‘Trump Insurrection: Traitor Edition‘ board game as a consolation prize. Senator Chuck Schumer said after the acquittal, “We want to thank these seven senators for playing. Obviously, we’re disappointed that…

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Biden Signs Exec Order Refilling DC Swamp To Pre-Trump Levels

DC Swamp

WASHINGTON – Joe Biden signed his most important (to the Democrat Party) executive order in his first week in office. The Only Good DC Swamp Is A Full DC Swamp order was signed Friday in the Oval Office. Members of the administration, fellow Democrats, and the mainstream media all cheered the signing. During the Trump administration, the president drained the Swamp about 39%. But that left the majority of the swamp to remain an ongoing breeding ground for anti-American corruption. And now that Democrats have total power, many creatures banished…

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Joe Biden Calls For Establishing Dept. Of Feigned Democratic Outrage

feigned

WASHINGTON – As he prepares to assume the presidency, Joe Biden is already planning changes to our government structure. One addition he wants to make – the creation of the Department of Feigned Democratic Outrage. “We need a central agency that controls narratives, releases talking points, and perpetuates double standards. One that ensures that Democrats ALWAYS jumps the shark when it comes to faking outrage at our opponents,” a weary looking Biden told reporters. “For instance, just this week, President Trump held a rally that was followed by minimal violence…

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Chris Cuomo, Don Lemon Slam Pro-Trump Protests For Doing It Wrong

pro-Trump

CAPITOL HILL – CNN anchor-bros Chris Cuomo and Don Lemon were disgusted at what they saw at the US Capitol this afternoon. A pro-Trump crowd stormed the House and Senate chambers to protest certifying November’s election results. Then things got ugly. However, the two Democratic hacks said the pro-Trump supporters were ‘doing it wrong.’ Cuomo said, “I don’t know what I’m looking at! This is not a protest. I’m not even sure how to describe to our viewers what I’m seeing right now.” “I know,” a disgusted Don Lemon replied.…

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Chris Christie Refuses To Rule Out Running/Losing Again In 2024

NEW JERSEY – Former Gov. Chris Christie left the double-wide French doors open to running for president again in 2024. He said he wouldn’t rule out running, and losing again, even against President Trump. “President Trump is a meanie. He hurt my feelers. So now, I come out against everything he does,” Christie told reporters. If Donald does decide to run in 2024, I’ll be there to suck a bunch of the air out of the room.” The former governor explained that because he sucks, it just makes sense for…

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SCOTUS Rules ‘This Whole Constitution Thing Has Been Done To Death’

WASHINGTON – The Supreme Court ruled Friday afternoon that following the Constitution has run its course. A majority of justices, including so-called “conservative” justices, decided that voter fraud in US elections is no big deal. Chief Justice John Roberts declared, “This whole following the Constitution thing has been done to death. So Democrats cheated with mail-in ballots and rigged voting machines? If Texas doesn’t like that, they should cheat harder next time. I thought they did everything bigger in Texas anyway?” New justice Amy Coney Barrett said, “I didn’t feel…

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Trump Eats Bowl Of Covid, Chugs Gallon Of Liberal Tears Just Before Discharge

liberal tears

WALTER REED – Just before being discharged, President Trump requested one last hospital meal before heading back to the White House. The president is being discharged following a successful treatment for Covid-19. Trump requested ‘a heaping bowl of coronavirus and a gallon of liberal’s tears.’ The president said he’d gotten quite an appetite during his stay and that Walter Reed Hospital has excellent chefs. According to his chief-of-staff Mark Meadows, “The president scarfed down the entire bowl of the virus. He washed it down by chugging the entire gallon of…

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Leftists Claim Founding Fathers Signed Blank Sheet Of Paper, Called It Constitution

blank

TWITTER – Liberals on Twitter slammed President Trump for what they claim is a picture of Mean Orange Man signing a blank sheet of paper. The picture was supposed to show that the president is still working, despite his ongoing treatment for coronavirus at Walter Reed Hospital. There is no way to tell from the picture what the president was signing, or if it had something printed on it. That hasn’t stopped leftists from taking to Twitter en masse to say the photo was staged. Since leftists are praying (some…

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Media Furious After Doc Says Trump Tested Negative For ‘White Supremacy’ In Hospital

white supremacy

MARYLAND – Doctors treating President Trump for covid-19 at Walter Reed Hospital gave an update on the president’s condition today. However, members of the press were outraged at what else the doctors said. Throughout the health update, there wasn’t even a mention of whether the president had denounced white supremacy while receiving treatment. CNN’s Jim Acosta was driven to tears after the presser. “All they gave us was information on treatments, the president’s mood, oxygen levels. Who cares about that?” “There was not one mention by the doctors that the…

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CNN: Authorities Intercept Package Of ‘Mostly Peaceful’ Ricin Meant For Trump

package

NEW YORK – It was learned on Saturday that a package addressed to President Trump earlier in the week contained the toxic poison ricin. Fortunately, law enforcement agents intercepted the package before it reached the White House. While the poison can be deadly to humans, even in the smallest amounts, CNN is reporting that the ricin has been tested and was deemed to be ‘mostly peaceful.’ Mostly peaceful ricin is apparently a new strain of the poison. So new, in fact, that law enforcement didn’t know about it. “This is…

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