Omarosa Violated ‘Lowlife Statute’ With Secret WH Recordings

WASHINGTON – Disgruntled former White House aide Omarosa Manigault Newman is potentially facing legal jeopardy for violating the little-known ‘Lowlife Statute.’ She did so when she admitted in her new book that she secretly recorded Chief of Staff John Kelly in the White House Situation Room. The Lowlife Statute, an obscure law found under Chapter 4 – Backstabbing the President, Section 20MAGA20, subsection b(1) of the federal penal code, states that: “Anyone who is labeled a ‘Lowlife’ by the president, after said lowlife has been dismissed from their government position…

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CNN Furious After Trump Calls MSNBC Bottom of Fake News Barrel

ATLANTA – CNN personalities are furious after President Trump called MSNBC “the worst of all” when it comes to fake news outlets. His comments took place at a rally this weekend. It was bad enough for the network when Trump supporters made CNN reporter Jim Acosta cry at the event. Now this. Their bad weekend got worse when the president gave the worst news outlet title to MSNBC instead. CNN has long prided itself on being the leader in fake news, and their ratings bear out that fact. But the…

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Lawyer Michael Cohen Achieves Dream Of Becoming Recording Artist, DJ

WASHINGTON – Working under the name “DJ Droopy,” former Trump attorney Michael Cohen has revealed that he always hoped to become a professional disc jockey or recording artist. His dreams are now coming true. Cohen has recorded 183 sessions between himself and various clients (including a few with President Trump) and word is that he’s putting together a mix-tape of some of the tracks to present to Robert Mueller. Though almost through with the editing process, a release date for the new material has not yet been announced. Cohen, who…

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Supreme Court Retirement Sends Shingles Up Chris Matthews’ Leg

shingles

MSNBC – As news of Supreme Court Justice Anthony Kennedy’s retirement came across the MSNBC fake news desk – along with the realization that President Trump will get to pick his replacement – host Chris Matthews said he felt shingles running up his leg. “As the reality of this moment in our nation’s history sunk in,” Matthews stated, “I felt this intense, itching rash running up my leg. It was completely different from the tingle Obama gave me. This time, there were fluid-filled blisters involved. It was disgusting. “And the…

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Maxine Waters Wants Separate Restrooms, Drinking Fountains For Conservatives

Waters

LOS ANGELES – Insane congresswoman Maxine Waters (D-Dumbass) today called for conservatives and Republicans to be treated like second-class citizens. She told supporters to harass Trump supporters in restaurants, department stores and gas stations, and everywhere else they can. “These people (Trump supporters) don’t deserve to be treated like the rest of us!” she shouted to a crowd of social justice warriors. “In fact, they need to be forced to use separate restrooms and drinking fountains, in my opinion. Personally, I can’t stand to be anywhere near them.” Maxine has…

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Immigrant Child Cries Because Trump Can’t Make Her Country Great Again Too

US SOUTHERN BORDER – Time magazine has immortalized the image of a young immigrant child as she first learns that Donald Trump cannot be president in her home country – and can’t make her country great again too. The picture, showing the American president engaged in a conversation with a Central American toddler, captures the moment the realization hits the youngster that Trump cannot be in charge of her country as well. “I’m sorry, sweetie, but if the terrible leaders in your country would just follow my example, they could…

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Imprint Left After Trump Defeats France’s Macron in Thumb Wrestling

imprint

CANADA – At this week’s G7 summit in Quebec, French President Emmanuel Macron tried to assert his dominance over President Trump by engaging in a surprise thumb wrestling contest. The dual lasted less than 7 seconds and left an imprint of Macron’s digit on Trump’s hand. According to White House spokesperson Sarah Sanders: “The president did not appreciate President Macron’s sad attempt at trying to out-alpha him. When Mr. Macron launched his unprovoked thumb wrestling attack, President Trump used several rope-a-dope thumb maneuvers to quickly subdue Macron and end the…

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TBS’s Samantha Cee-Word Learns a New Big Word

Samantha

NEW YORK CITY – Unfunny Full Frontal show host Samantha Bee/Cee (depending on whether she’s being a Bee-otch or a C–t that day) learned a new, big word yesterday. She immediately used her TBS show to workshop the latest addition to her limited vocabulary. She used the term “feckless c–t” to describe Ivanka Trump during an immigration rant. “I had never heard the word ‘feckless’ until it showed up on my cue cards,” Samantha admitted today. “We have some really smart writers on our show. It’s a perfect word to…

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CNN: Stormy Daniels Secures Release of 3 NoKo Hostages

hostages

THIS IS CNN – In the early morning hours, as President Trump welcomed home three American hostages who had been held captive in North Korea, CNN cut to the chase and presented the facts of their negotiated release as it exists in the CNN newsroom. “We’re pleased to report that it was in fact Stormy Daniels who – having flown to North Korea on a plane that crashed in the sea – escaped injury, soldiered on to Pyongyang, and secured the freedom of these three captive Americans. CNN will have…

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Republicans Complete Trade With Progressives, Kanye for Joe Scarborough, Others

LOS ANGELES – On the eve of the 2018 NFL Draft, the nation’s Republican base has inked a deal with progressives that has rapper Kanye West going to the Right. In the trade, the Left acquires MSNBC Beavis-look-a-like Joe Scarborough, CNN’s Anna Navarro, and three Never-Trumpers to be named later. Kanye filed for free (thinking) agency earlier this week when he tweeted comments supporting President Donald Trump. The rapper even posted pics of his autographed, red MAGA hat – an object whose sight affects those on the Left the same…

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