WASHINGTON – President Trump signed an open-ended pardon this week for former assistant to then Vice-President Dick Cheney, Lewis “Scooter” Libby, and anyone else who happens to be named Scooter. Libby allegedly blew the cover of some chick who worked for the CIA.
The president said no one should have to go through life with the name Scooter. “I know it’s not his legal first name,” Trump said, “but that’s how everybody knows him. It would be one thing if you had a friend when you were five-years-old who everybody called ‘Scooter’ as a nickname. But he’s a grown-ass man! That’s enough punishment on its own.”
The pardon will close a very sad chapter in Scooter Libby’s life and career, and will give hope to other Scooters out there – some of whom still live in the shadows. “For anybody saddled with the name Scooter, especially adult men, I hope this gives them a new lease on life,” Trump added.
“Life is hard enough with a normal name. But, Scooter? If I get nothing else accomplished with my presidency, at least I can say I righted this wrong. And any parents thinking about naming their child ‘Scooter’…..stop it. Just stop.”
The pardon President Trump signed will serve as a preemptive “get out of jail” card for any person named, or nicknamed, “Scooter,” and any crimes they may have committed or may be accused of committing in the future.