TIMES SQUARE – Preparations are being made here to use the traditional New Year’s Eve crystal ball drop to ring in 2019 if Chuck Schumer’s glasses fail to drop off his nose by midnight on the 31st. However, President Trump decreed that the new year does not officially begin until Schumer’s glasses fall completely off his face.
Washington insiders can gauge the state of their Democratic party at any given time, based solely on the position of the Senate Minority leader’s glasses on his nose. As Schumer becomes more insane and unhinged, his glasses inch farther down toward the tip of his nose.
With Chuck and Trump battling over a border wall versus a partial government shutdown, the president is having fun pushing Schumer’s buttons.
“Chuck has threatened that unless I end my demand for a wall, the shutdown will be long and drawn out. Be my guest. His glasses have been getting awfully close to the end of his nose lately. I thought it would be fun to push the guy over the edge.”
“So, I’m not going to officially recognize 2019 until we force those stupid things off that ski slope he calls a nose. We’re getting close, I can tell you that. It’ll be a special moment for everybody!”